darth vader and i

[2thepoint]

I went to see a counselor today. The minute I walked into the office I felt anxiety. I'm not sure what I was expecting to happen today. IC focused on accepting and moving on. Did I want to instead hear.. There's always hope? I don't know. I feel as though I've regressed. It's difficult because I feel that I'm not quite done with my M and the logical side of me says.. "Are you crazy???"

Most people tell me I'm too nice.. I should kick him to the curb.. I deserve so much better.. I know they say these things because they love and care about me. But I wonder..

Fear of the unknown is just that, fear. I think we all long for what is familiar, what is comfortable, what is known. But when forced to face our fears, we recoil... or we face them head on and plow forward into the great unknown. It is not easy to face our fears head on. This I know!

I remember a time when I was a teenager. I went hiking with some friends. We came upon a waterfall and a small but deep pool of water. There was a rope hanging down from the top of the waterfall into the pool below. If you grabbed hold of the rope and put your feet against the back wall of the waterfall, you could sort of walk/climb up to the top. It was quite challenging, especially since the water was splashing in your face the entire length of the climb and the back wall was covered in slippery algae.

Anyway, we all made our way up to the top of the waterfall and then the task before us was to jump off and into the pool below. It was maybe a 25-30 foot jump and as I mentioned, the pool although deep, was small, surrounded by granite walls on 3 sides. The best way down was to simply step off.

Each of my friends made the jump, hooting and hollering as each made their way over the edge. For me though, fear unlike any I had ever felt had completely consumed me. I just couldn't make the jump. I was scared out of my mind. It was too high, the pool was too small. I was sure I'd hit one of the granite walls. Then I was subjected to all the name calling and ridicule that only boys of a certain age can inflict upon each other.

It took me 45 minutes of sitting at the top of the waterfall before I finally mustered the courage to step off. Of course after I made the jump I was kicking myself for taking so long.

My point is, no you are not crazy and you have every right to be fearful. And if you aren't done, then there is nothing wrong with that either. The thing is, you still need to move forward. You still need to jump. You still need to see what else lies ahead for you. Maybe it is a R with your H. Maybe not. But you will never know until you fully and completely let go and take the plunge.

I know it is not easy. I am faced with a similar decision as you. And just as before, I am scared. But eventually I will jump. It is just a matter of time.

Hang in there, BF!! And yes, you do deserve happiness!!