darth vader and i

[labug]

Can you believe we've been around these boards not quite 2 years? Sometimes it seems much longer.

bf, I still get those waves of sadness. I've been being gentle with myself, practicing my self-compassion since the death of my brother and then last week we had a scare with the dog. He's old and he's work, but he's been with us for 14 years...

Anyway, I guess I'm saying I understand and I wonder sometimes if it will ever completely go away.

[BFloat]

bug, i really can't believe the time frame. it feels like a lifetime ago and yet it also feels like it was just yesterday. i'm sad to hear about the difficult time you've been having.. sometimes it feels that we can't catch a breath before something else happens.. and then suddenly one day you stop and think.. i actually feel happy.

it's been an odd couple of days. H and i have not engaged in our normal conversations in a long time. the kinds of conversations where we're laughing at something funny.. or talking about some movie.. but on monday we actually had one of those moments. it started out with me asking him how to get songs off my ipod (it's been driving me nuts!) so he figured it out for me. then he wanted me to watch a movie trailer because he knew i would be excited about it..

anyway.. we had joked about moving etc. what life would look like.. i mentioned in passing that i would love to learn to do ocean kayaking.. so H said.. i guess we're moving in a joking way. but as he was leaving, he said to me "i would support your decision to move. there's really nothing left for me here anymore, except maybe my dad". i thought it was an odd comment. because i wonder about OP? can't imagine she would be too pleased with him moving to follow his ex even if it were for the kids.

i honestly didn't expect to hear from H again until probably fri when he's watching the kids. that's sort of been his MO lately. he goes silent. but this mornng, bright and early.. he txts me "have a good day". it was so random. he use to send me these types of txts when we would chat all night but, we haven't for a long time so i was really surprised.

i'm basically just documenting. i don't want t put too much thought into it because i don't want to start wondering what it all means.

i have an appt with a new IC tomorrow through work. i get 5 sessions and then i guess i'll see if i want to continue. i'm hesitant because last time it was clear that i was trying to work on my M. i'm sort of nervous to see what will be revealed now.

i think i'm rambling. i think about all these things.. read all the threads throughout the day.. i always have the intention of posting later in the evening but next thing you know.. it's late and i just want to go to bed. like now.. it's 0130. sigh.

[sayitaintso]

Anyway, I guess I'm saying I understand and I wonder sometimes if it will ever completely go away.

True Love never dies IMO

[BFloat]

SIAS.. I read something the other day that has made me wonder if this is how I feel..

I think a part of me will always be waiting for you..

Omg. As I'm writing this.. I looked up and there is a guy that looks so much like H that I'm laughing to myself. Lol!!! Seriously trippy. Even his mannerisms are the same. Too funny. Ok.. Didn't expect that comical break.

Anyway... 0640 this morning, get a txt from H saying he wished he could get back in time (from work) to take S to school. Weird.

I'm not sure what I'm doing these days.. I'm not sure where I'm at.. So many questions. And one of the things I'm trying to do us just to lay low.. Let the quiet moments take over.. And try to refocus on my life and what I want. I'm trying not to make decisions based solely on emotions and hopes and expectations..

Ok. Have to end this post.. I can't think because H double is back and I keep wanting to laugh.

[BFloat]

When I got home, my dishes were done and the garbage was taken out. That was a nice surprise. It took me a second to figure out what had happened. I guess H came by to pick up some stuff and decided to do some stuff for me? He usually just comes and goes without batting an eye at the mess.

Also, he went by S's school at lunch to visit him. H has mentioned in the past that he wants to do it but nothing ever materializes. So it was nice when S said H came by and they had a picnic.

I went to see a counsellor today. The minute I walked into the office I felt anxiety. I'm not sure what I was expecting to happen today. IC focussed on accepting and moving on. Did I want to instead hear.. There's always hope? I don't know. I feel as though I've regressed. It's difficult because I feel that I'm not quite done with my M and the logical side of me says.. "Are you crazy???"

Most people tell me I'm too nice.. I should kick him to the curb.. I deserve so much better.. I know they say these things because they love and care about me. But I wonder..

[BFloat]

I meant to say.. That ultimately it's not about me deserving better. So I find these types of comments made me feel a bit better in the beginning but now when I hear it, I know people say it with good intentions but, it doesn't help me to think.. Yeah! I'm better.

I don't know if I make any sense. I deserve happiness.. I don't deserve better.

[keep_going]

BF,

Yes, our friends and relatives tell us to move on because they care and don't want to see us hurting anymore. I figured that for me, it worked better to stop talking about my H or sitch to many of them because I just didn't want to hear the comments...

BF - Only YOU get to decide when you are done and whenever that is - in a minute, in a year or in a decade from now, it is OK.

I don't think that your feelings are a sign of a regression. This journey is not linear and some days you feel like a million bucks, or like you have moved on and are happy and some days you are down on yourself or you miss the H you fell in love with...

Be kind to yourself and don't worry too much about "where you are today", because right now you are exactly where you are supposed to. Hang in there!

(((((((((BF)))))))))))

[2thepoint]

I went to see a counselor today. The minute I walked into the office I felt anxiety. I'm not sure what I was expecting to happen today. IC focused on accepting and moving on. Did I want to instead hear.. There's always hope? I don't know. I feel as though I've regressed. It's difficult because I feel that I'm not quite done with my M and the logical side of me says.. "Are you crazy???"

Most people tell me I'm too nice.. I should kick him to the curb.. I deserve so much better.. I know they say these things because they love and care about me. But I wonder..

Fear of the unknown is just that, fear. I think we all long for what is familiar, what is comfortable, what is known. But when forced to face our fears, we recoil... or we face them head on and plow forward into the great unknown. It is not easy to face our fears head on. This I know!

I remember a time when I was a teenager. I went hiking with some friends. We came upon a waterfall and a small but deep pool of water. There was a rope hanging down from the top of the waterfall into the pool below. If you grabbed hold of the rope and put your feet against the back wall of the waterfall, you could sort of walk/climb up to the top. It was quite challenging, especially since the water was splashing in your face the entire length of the climb and the back wall was covered in slippery algae.

Anyway, we all made our way up to the top of the waterfall and then the task before us was to jump off and into the pool below. It was maybe a 25-30 foot jump and as I mentioned, the pool although deep, was small, surrounded by granite walls on 3 sides. The best way down was to simply step off.

Each of my friends made the jump, hooting and hollering as each made their way over the edge. For me though, fear unlike any I had ever felt had completely consumed me. I just couldn't make the jump. I was scared out of my mind. It was too high, the pool was too small. I was sure I'd hit one of the granite walls. Then I was subjected to all the name calling and ridicule that only boys of a certain age can inflict upon each other.

It took me 45 minutes of sitting at the top of the waterfall before I finally mustered the courage to step off. Of course after I made the jump I was kicking myself for taking so long.

My point is, no you are not crazy and you have every right to be fearful. And if you aren't done, then there is nothing wrong with that either. The thing is, you still need to move forward. You still need to jump. You still need to see what else lies ahead for you. Maybe it is a R with your H. Maybe not. But you will never know until you fully and completely let go and take the plunge.

I know it is not easy. I am faced with a similar decision as you. And just as before, I am scared. But eventually I will jump. It is just a matter of time.

Hang in there, BF!! And yes, you do deserve happiness!!

[BFloat]

2pac.. you always have the best stories.

the kids are staying with H at his new place for the first time. i had my moment of sadness but i think i have been preparing for this moment for so long that now i feel kind of numb. at the same time, i think we're finally opening another door..

it's been a tough couple of weeks contemplating what i'm doing. H has been around doing little things. dishes.. cleaning up the front patio.. things he use to do but stopped after BD. the kids have been having a tough time. both S and D miss H but i think it's harder for S. he says he's afraid he won't see H anymore.. he's afraid he won't see me anymore.. worries that if we move he won't see H.. all these things that must be so scary and heartbreaking for a 6yr old. so one night when we were driving home.. i asked S if he wanted to call H. but he didn't want to. i asked if he wanted to see if H was home (at his new place). we ended up dropping by there and i think H finally saw how much S is hurting. because when S teared up and told him how much he missed him.. H teared up too.

i have so many things on my mind. one of which is considering a big move. one that i think would benefit S. H says if i'm moving.. he's coming too. in fact, he's been looking up job prospectives and things to do.. we use to always talk about moving.. to hawaii.. seattle.. toronto.. H would always look up stuff.. do a pros and cons list.. and in the end, i would always chicken out. because i was afraid of what lay ahead.. afraid of leaving my family..

but now when i look back.. i wonder what i was waiting for.. and today i feel that maybe i just need to take a leap of faith and just jump. but i'm wondering if a part of me is holding on to the hope that H and i will magically R once we've moved.. that scares me.

i need to focus on right now. i'm sad because the kids aren't here. but i so need a kick in the pants to get my life going. i have been wallowing in my own sadness for a while now that i've forgotten to create my own life. am i a woman only a fool would leave?

[BFloat]

looking over my finances.. doesn't look pretty. i guess the really tough talks are about to begin.. so not looking forward to it.