Another way to look at it: if a heroin addict said "I really want to get clean, but what do I do when the drugs are right there on the table and I want them so badly?"
You'd probably say "you need to decide to walk away or give in and remain addicted."
Trying to get into the WAS' head is an addiction, and you are hooked.
It takes that much discipline to stop
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks for the replies you guys. I've read on CBT's thread too. I need to ratchet up the discipline, and will come up ith a couple canned excuses to remove myself from the conversations.
"Most importantly, understand and convince yourself of the damage you are doing by getting into these conversations."
This!! I know and that's why I don't want these conversations to drag on. I will prepare exits for sure and more importantly I will do my best not to engage in them
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Sorry I've been dark again...not really intentional.
W and I have been having some other serious discussions. I know I have been supposed to be leaning out, but she has been talking... I know, I know better. Ugh, I'm an idiot at times.
Recap is, she feels that her decision to leave was right, but, feels confused at times about her life, what she wants, missing us and our life, etc, but she can not comit to anything. This has led to me saying I want to hear what she has to say, go to a therapist too (she brought that up again) and we should try....These conversations and opinions have gone as all of you would expect... Her response in text was: "I am willing to talk to you and with you, and with the help of a therapist, to figure out how we got here (broken), what led to me leaving. If we can clearly understand each other in that area we both can make a decision on the future"
She now wants to come over tonight to talk to me about reasons why she left, and then presumably go from there on how we want to proceed...going to a therapist and starting to talk.
I'm struggling with all this...perhaps I expect too much from her? We are in two different places, and I also can't deal with the emotional roller coaster of all this blame from her. However, I know that she deserves to have her say about how she felt and feels. And if there is ANY chance for us in the future, that this is the first step on that road.
My brother this to me: "You want and expect her to say, yep, I'll go to a therapist and TRY with the goal of fixing our marriage. But, she says she can't comit to that bc she feels the marriage is broken, or she would have stayed. You feel she isn't willing to try, he, she wants to talk to you about why she left, and go to a therapist and start talking about you guys....that IS her trying, even if she doesnt fully realize or admit it...it's just as much as she can give...right now...she's told you that. You or her don't know what may come of therapy...maybe you guys just become friends, or maybe you work through your issues, and are stronger and happier...I'd do it with a smile on my face if she offered to talk and to go, but it's up to you"
What do you guys think? Really looking for as much advice as possible. I've told her to come over tonight at this point.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Nope... We would have to find one. We went to one for 3 months close to 3 years ago, and while she helped us with some things. In hindsight, she failed to help us with the issues that led to this sitch.
Ok. Here are few things. 1. I think going to therapy could be a good thing. I agree with your brother, to me that's a little step for her. My W has said that if she were to go to counselor again it would be to get direction on these thoughts and feelings she is having. Your W very well might need the same thing. 2. Having said that. It is of upmost importance that you find a pro-marriage counselor. Best way to do that is to find a Christian counselor. Ask around. Research reviews on Internet. 3. Once you go see this therapist or counselor, make sure that both of you are comfortable with them. If not, find another one.
My W and I have found a counselor who is pro marriage and that we both like. If we end up back that it is about progress not having an amicable divorce she knows that. Hopefully you can find the same thing Chris. Good luck
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Thanks for the advice. I really fear deep down that my W has this as the next step in the plan...I guess that's my hesitation, that she is so against trying. It makes me fearful and think that she can then just say "Well, we tried... No other choice now but to divorce" I'm mind reading there, but, it's hard not to.
She also said to me this weekend about us trying.. I said "If we try and fail, then we've lost nothing, except effort" and she said "If we fail, then you'll blame me and say that is really what I wanted, to not fix us" I wonder if she is picking up on my mind reading and hesitancy?
Don't mindread! That sounds like typical WAW language right there. If you are not ready for therapy then don't do it.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
