The more I go through this process, the more I think I may be a person who just doesn't know how to communicate. While I do admit that I wasn't "trying" to DB during our conversation, I had no idea that I was so belittling or disrespectful of her feelings. I honestly thought I was more or less nuetral. From listening to you both, I clearly was not.
Here is one issue that I am realizing I definitely have. I don't think I know how to validate without reciting it from a script. I don't think that makes me a bad person. I honestly don't feel that I am. It does however make me a bad communicator, especially where wife is concerned. Take this for example:
W:I guess we both wish we could have changed each other. I wanted you to treat me like you loved and cared for me while we were together and you want me to try now that we are apart. Maybe we just we not meant to be.
W:I know you dont accept my choice but for once in our marriage please respect my wishes to move on. I am sorry (husband) but that is what I want. I havent waivered on that at all.
How would I respond to that, validate her feelings and make her feel that I am truly supportive? I didn't realize that my actual repsonse was that bad. Obviously it was.
I am also having a really tough time making small talk, just like AS suggested. I feel a little closed off myself, because deep down I feel that she just wants us to hate each other. That makes it tough for me to try to engage her in a fun loving, light hearted way. I just end up being short and to the point.
Today, W was out in the property visiting. She had daughter, but we were supposed to do a swap for the evening. I really focused when I went out there and engaged her friend in fun small talk. I also played with the kids and acted very upbeat. W addressed me in a nice cordial way. It was a decent interaction. No doubt in my mind in a healthy marriage, when I left both women would have said, "what a great guy". However, later in the afteroon W was driving out of the driveway. I waived at her and although she did waive back, she did it with a scowl. That is just hard for me. I understand why she feels this way. I understand why it is happening, but that doesn't make it any easier for me (being a bad comminucator and not truly knowing how to validate) To address her in a way that will spark interest. I mean every time I open my mouth is seems I am making the situaton worse and not even realizing it. I simply don't know how to respond.
When W says something like "I don't love you and I want to be divirced as soon as possible", How do I even start to turn that around? Do I just smile and be happy go lucky? What would I even say? How would I even respond?
I am just lost....completely lost. I don't even know how to act anymore.
