Still treading water #4

[Grizz]

Thanks for the advice Spartan. It's true. I don't really think she is or would do anything on purpose to hurt the kids. However I don't think she realizes how difficult this is going to be. Her parents D when she was young and have always remained really close even true friends. I have always thought that was odd but oh well. But this is the picture that she has of D.

Moving on to today. W shows me a place that she thinks she is going to move to. Asks my opinion. I say it seems fine.

Fast forward to tonight.... I initiate and we ML. I have had several discussions on here whether that is a good or bad thing to do. My decision for a while now is that if we can ML without really messing with my mind then I will do it. The odd thing this time was that she would not kiss me. She actually said that she would prefer to not kiss. I just said ok and we continued. At the start she said that we probably shouldn't do it because "this doesn't make things any easier".

I definitely don't think this changes anything but it was nice to be close to her again.

[Grizz]

FY, thanks for the comments. Yes, W is dead set on moving out. I really do think that we need that. We are going nowhere fast. It's just that if she does leave I believe that the odds of R actually decrease. But, it's nice to hear your story that refutes that. I just really hate it for my girls.

[uRworthy]

G, personal choice about whether to stay intimate or not.

As far as your girls, I am not going to sugarcoat it, it is going to be hard.

But, as long as you are ok, they will be,too. They will be looking to you as their touchstone. They just need to feel safe and loved.

They really are resilient, bless them.

You have been given the wonderful gift of showing them how to navigate through life's turmoils. Show them well.

Let them see how you do it through courage, strength and dignity.

[Grizz]

uR, thanks for the encouragement concerning the kids. I just dread the day that we have to tell them that W is leaving.

A little journaling:
Weekend went fairly well. I did some good GALing. Saturday did stuff with the girls. W went to work. W came home and I went to a coworkers wedding. Actually had a really good time. Today took girls to church ( W working). W calls after church and asks to eat with us. Why? I could do so much better if she just let me be. Guess I will get this opportunity soon enough though since she is moving out. Lets see if I still feel the same way then.
We let the girls fall asleep in our bed tonight. All four of us laying together. W stayed about an hour after girls went to sleep to watch TV with me. Again why? After the show was over she gets up and says "good night" and leaves. That just feels like she is just spitting in my face. I do so much better when she is not around. It drives me crazy that she acts like nothing is wrong. Ugh, just venting.

While I am venting lets say one more thing. W has practically stopped helping out around the house. We were always lucky. It truly was a 50-50 split with chores our entire marriage. Cooking, laundry, cleaning, getting kids ready for bed, etc. W does very little now. Initially I picked up the slack but recently I have let things slide and you can tell. She just doesn't seem to care. Oh well. Just more of how she has changed.

[AnotherStander]

W has practically stopped helping out around the house. We were always lucky. It truly was a 50-50 split with chores our entire marriage. Cooking, laundry, cleaning, getting kids ready for bed, etc. W does very little now. Initially I picked up the slack but recently I have let things slide and you can tell. She just doesn't seem to care. Oh well. Just more of how she has changed.

My W did the same thing before S. I think it's their way of reinforcing to us that they're leaving. The one difference is I did pick up the slack. I took everything over. I did it for me, not her. I wanted to make sure I could handle everything before she was gone, and also so I could get feedback/ input from her if I needed it (like all those darned washer/ dryer settings, my W/D look like space shuttles).

[Grizz]

So W calls me today and asks me to find out what I am going to do about the house. (Refinance, get cash out to pay her part of equity, make her payments to cover equity, etc). She wants her name off of the deed and wants her money.

This led into some serious discussions about D and how we were going to split everything. Later she texts me that she is not trying to be difficult. I replied that I know she is not, this all just hurts. She says the longer we drag it out the more it will hurt and that we just need to do it.

W comes home tonight and is more friendly than she has been in a long time. That's great but I don't really feel like being her friend right now. This seems like the final step. If I refinance the house I see no chance in R.

It will be interesting on Saturday. Both girls are going to a sleep over leaving W and I home alone. That hasn't happened since BD. I bet she finds something to do.

Rough night. Not sure i even want to try anymore.

[uRworthy]

I'm so sorry, G. I know it is so tough to hear all that.

The thing is she needs to see this through.

But no one knows what the future holds.

I know it is so hard. I do. But this is her journey.

And it is yours, too.

You need to get yourself good and strong to get through it. Your daughters are going to need their daddy.

They are watching you, G. Show them well.

[Grizz]

Thanks uR. And yes, this is hard stuff. I pouted last night. I know I said I wouldn't. And my goal was for 6 weeks. But last night after our divorce discussions I just didnt want to talk to her. She tried talking and I listened but didn't really pay much attention. I know, I screwed up. She was crying last night about leaving her job and I could have consoled her but I chose not to. Mistake I think.

D4 was crying this morning wanting W to paint her finger nails and she told her she didn't have time. I told D4 that I would do it. This made W cry this morning. She thought it was a jab at her but it really wasn't. If I would have said that a year ago she would have said yes let dad do it and not thought anything else about it.

So I texted her just now and told her that I wanted to apologize for upsetting her this morning and that I truly did not mean to hurt her. Don't know if I should have apologized or not but just thought to a friend an apology was in order. She said thank you.

I have to stop giving the silent treatment when I am mad. That is more of the same. And that ain't workin.

[uRworthy]

Ya think? LOL!

G, you really need to get a handle on all this. For you and your daughters.

I mean, you can keep doing more of the same, but that just gets you....more of the same.

Forget about what she would have done a year ago. This is the reality for right now.

Be the man you know you can be, G. For you. Each day, you gotta strive for that. Some days you make it, some you dont, but that should always be the goal.

Your daughters are watching. I promise you that. What do you want them to see?

And if your w ever looks toward you in the future - who do you want her to see?

A man who gives the silent treatment and pouts? Or someone who is strong, humble, and capable.

Your choice, always. Choose well.

[Grizz]

Thanks uR. I so wanted to continue the silent treatment today because I am still hurting but the good news is that I didn't. I engaged her and she engaged me in conversation. It was very hard to talk to her as a friend while remembering what she said to me a few days ago. Just swallow my pride and move on.

What is even harder is that she had a work party today and had this smokin black dress on. She still does it for me. Always has. That just makes it so much more difficult to be around her. It is torture. What man wouldn't want her. Ugh!