Yes, so familiar. I will take your advice. As long as he's willing to participate, I will view it as a positive. I'm so sorry for your pain and thank you for reaching out to me.
Tonight he became angry again (which, as I mentioned before, is rare for him) because I had a painter come over to do an estimate on the house last week.The painter called today with the numbers and H was home. The house needs to be painted, and H won't be living here, and I knew it would boost my spirits (and the kids) to see me taking care of the house and making things pretty again. I also want to be realistic that I might have to sell it within the next couple of years.
He was livid that I would do this without consulting him and started to cry. I assured him I had no intention of making a decision without him, but that I just wanted to get the cost to figure out how I could break it up over the summer (which is the truth.) Painting the house is something I've wanted to do for awhile--is it wrong that I am moving forward with things I've been wanting to do? He took it as a personal criticism--that he hasn't been doing enough and that I just want him out so I can move on with my life with the boys.
He's the one that just rented an apartment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Our life has been in limbo for the last year, I need to feel good about moving forward with things--he sees me as cutting him out of the picture.
He wants to move out and find his happiness, as he has told me. Is it wrong that I want to find my happiness here with the kids?
My head is splitting.
thanks for listening (((()))))
Me 47/H 47 M 19/T 21 S 11 S 11 BD #1: April 2012 H Moved out 11/2012 for 2 months BD #2: H "can't do this anymore, wants divorce" 4/10/2013 Retrouvaille 4/19/2013
Talking about how you feel is fine AS LONG AS you aren't accusing him of making you feel that way.
Once you start accusing or he feels that you are blaming him, he will turn nasty. Instead say... "I feel hurt and sad since he left. And I understand why and how you feel."
Validate and don't accuse.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
We are still participating in Retrouvaille follow-up sessions on Saturday nights and we are doing our dialogues nearly every night. We've missed 3 total. We are communicating more than ever before about our feelings, etc. We are not losing our tempers and sometimes can laugh about all of this.
But he has not changed his plans to move out. He says he is listening to everything and agrees with so much of it intellectually but cannot get his head around the notion that "love is a choice, or a decision." He doesn't buy it. He is waiting for the feelings to come back for me and they haven't.
Retrouvaille also talks about forgiveness and I have asked him for forgiveness via one of the writing exercises (for withdrawing from him, for not addressing his emotional needs, for withdrawing sexually, for not getting treatment sooner for my depression.)
He has not done the same exercise and, in fact, said he is not sure he needs to ask for my forgiveness. THis is just not the man I married. I just wonder what I am fighting for when he just seems so stuck.
It takes two to get to where we are and I have taken responsibility for my actions but he really has not done the same. I guess this is to be expected, right?
I am just tired. We have so many good things going for us as a couple and as a family. I was out with girlfriends last weekend who bitched about their husbands non-stop. I have never done that (only in my head!) and they seem so miserable. Here H and I are getting along better than ever, communicating in a whole new way, possibly opening up the door to a whole new way of living together and yet he can't commit.
Am trying really hard to just be patient but am not sure any more what I am doing. It's been over a year since the BD of ILYBIANILWU
(((thanks for listening)))
Me 47/H 47 M 19/T 21 S 11 S 11 BD #1: April 2012 H Moved out 11/2012 for 2 months BD #2: H "can't do this anymore, wants divorce" 4/10/2013 Retrouvaille 4/19/2013
I guess my question is: if his head is telling him one thing (that staying and recommitting is the right thing to do) but his heart is telling him another (that he just can't get the feelings back) -- what is the approach I should be taking as we continue Retrouvaille? Just continue to give him space?
I guess my question is: if his head is telling him one thing (that staying and recommitting is the right thing to do) but his heart is telling him another (that he just can't get the feelings back) -- what is the approach I should be taking as we continue Retrouvaille? Just continue to give him space?
I think RetroV applies a lot of pressure to the WAS. It's a really great program, but it is more geared towards struggling couples than couples in which one is totally done. Your H clearly has no interest in reconciling. If he wants to continue the dialogging then by all means do it, but do not pressure him with R talks at all. Just let him work through that on his own. I absolutely believe that as they say in RetroV- love is a choice. As Covey (7 Habits) said, love is a verb, not a noun. It's something we do, not an object laying around waiting to be picked up. Your H doesn't believe this right now and you can't convince him. Only he can convince him. So give him time and space, hopefully he'll figure it out.
Thanks Another Stander. Good advice. I have tried very hard not to apply pressure at all about the R and where his head is at on that. We have kept it to feelings during the dialogues. But of course he knows what I am hoping for, so that is hard for him.
