Oh man, this is the second thread I've seen today where a LBS is texting some crazy passive/ aggressive stuff to their WAS. I'll tell you what I told him, you've got to stop it! When you do that you're just convincing your W she was right in leaving you, that you haven't changed, that you'll never change, etc. etc.
"Hope you have time to enjoy the day Would love to take u for a ride on my bike one day"
STOP IT!!! She doesn't want to go out with you, hang out with you, touch you or ride with you. When you reach out like this it just looks weak and desperate to her.
"I have the rest of all your crap in the basement"
Don't ever call her belongings "crap". I learned that lesson from W way before our M got into trouble. I never realized it, but I called my belongings "stuff" and hers "crap". She really resented it and finally said something to me about it. I never did it again.
"Hey I know your [censored] angry about something but I'm not going to stop being who I am and be nice. God love all !!!!! As do I"
Very condescending. If you're so nice then show that to her through your actions.
"What the hell did i do so bad to you to be treated with total hate disrespect I know this it not who you are or maybe you are now Xo"
So much for being nice.
This passive/ aggressive stuff, it's just another form of control/ manipulation. If that was why she left then you're just reinforcing to her that you haven't changed. 25’s mantra: consistent actions + time = change your S can believe in. Have you shown her anything she can believe in? Look, I know you're hurting. But when you let that hurt turn into anger, you lash out at your spouse and you derail your efforts at reconciling. You have to process the hurt in other ways, not through anger. That's why we preach GAL here, it helps you process the grief. Run, bike, lift weights, go to the park, fly a kite, drive an R/C car, have dinner with an old friend, play bingo, go on a weekend vacation, etc. etc. Do things because YOU want to. Improve your PMA. Get your mind off your W and your sitch. THAT is the path to recovery. And guess what, while you focus on yourself your W suddenly finds herself with quiet time to think about her sitch. And she WILL think about it, a lot. Then she may look back. When she looks back, will she see an angry, vengeful you staring at her with black eyes? Or will she see a happy, content, strong you who is happily going about life without her? Because one will make her look back a little harder, and the other will not.
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but i found about 3 boxes her stuff in the house. alot a wedding pic's. Should I give them to her?
Yes, if she wants them.
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I also had a large bag of purple rose pedals and butterfly's i was going to use last year when she was still in the house for valentines day. should I sent them to her to. I do not want them.
Throw them out.
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I am doing the best i can to join groups and but it just does not seem to help.
There's no quick fix. You've got to work through the pain. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your W, because she is gone. The M you had is done. Have a good cry. Focus on GAL as I mentioned above. It works. You'll feel better a little bit at a time. It takes months, be patient. You've got to fix yourself first, then your W might look back.
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Is it just as hard for her?
Yes. She may not show it on the outside, but she's struggling.
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you have no idea how bad I am mentally.
Oh yes, yes we do! Most (if not all) of us have been there. Just give yourself time, you WILL heal. I know you want it fixed tomorrow, I did too. It doesn't work that way though. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some day you'll look back and be amazed to see how far you've traveled.
