Confused about what I want

[BRNR]

Happy May everyone!!!!

I took a break from posting on the boards for me and my kids. I feel like we are getting over the rough spots and are starting to live that FULL life without H, and I was taking some time to bask in the awesome life that me and the kids will have.

Just a non-update. Nothing has changed with the sitch, no signs, no positivity, no arguments. I have really learned how to take a back seat to everything and "try" to really take some deep breaths and not let H bother me anymore. My trigger as of late was my kids, and now that I know that, I am learning not letting that bother me either.

I will say that my patience was tested recently and all I could hear was Snodderly saying "be patient the answers will come". I am still not sure of all the answers just yet, and welcome opinions, but I know that they will be revealed when the time is right. This I definitely have faith in.

So recent challenge is over money and H's agreement of what he would pay. Most recently he has not provided money for a couple of things. I really did a 180 on this, okay, maybe a 160, but I definitely did a change. For one thing, I just stated that I hadn't seen the deposit. He said he thought he had and would do it in a few days. I left it alone, did not even respond. After realizing he didn't pay for the first thing I saw another thing was due as well. This I said NOTHING about. Well today, I got an "I am sorry" text, explaining what happened and when he can expect to deposit the monies. So the 180 is that I always handled the finances in the marriage. This time, he is all on his own, and came up with a plan that should work...and came to me and apologized all on his own.

Now, don't get it wrong, I still am in the whole believe none of what they say and half of what they do mindset, so I am going to remain just a little more patient and see if he rectifies things before I go down in financial flames...and file for support to get what is needed to keep me and the kids going. But I do see this as him showing a little glimpse of some type of responsibility by letting me know on his own. I don't know, maybe I am just looking for a positive in a negative situation.

Anyway, really enjoying life this past week/weekend. The boys have opened up more about the sitch. Also told me how much they miss me when with H and love when the three of us are together.

I will say that I have been doing a lot of internal work on me lately. Finding what makes me happy, learning how to de-stress and cope with my anxiety, loving all the wonderful things in my life, PMA, and even learning how to show compassion to H. I am doing worlds better at work and day-to-day living. Eating, sleeping, and enjoying my time alone and with my kids.

I think H is starting to notice me as he has made a few comments here and there, but nothing particular, just that he noticed something was new and it looked nice on me.

Don't really have much more to say. At this stage, I know that what is supposed to happen will happen. I am just living my day and whatever comes I will deal with at the time.

Hope everyone is doing well. AJM and Snodderly, I think you would be proud. I am feeling way detached these days, and I am hoping it is not just a brief moment. Also, I read a lot of what is going on with the other sitches...Portia, RH, T2'd, and Mizjjd. I do have hope and pray for all of you as well as myself that our sitches will have the best possible outcomes.

HUGS to all you guys and gals...Take Care!!!