Confused about what I want

[BRNR]

Thanks Snodderly - I have before done a lot of this....with the exception of the school which is what I am hopefully going to do today. The insurance doesn't cover this, and it is difficult because with two kids I would be looking at $100 each session if not more...

I am going to stay strong although this is killing me. I will find my boys someone to talk to.

[BRNR]

You can speak to your h about it, but I don't think he'll see the light on this because in the mlcer's mind, the kids are fine and will bounce back w/o any problem.

Hi Snodderly - Thank you for the advice. I called his school and spoke to his teacher and guidance counselor. The GC gave me a number to call that may be able to offer services to assist and the GC also will talk to my son to see if that is his current issues or not. I suspect it is as the timing of everything fits to around Easter and that is when i stopped talking to H and the last holiday we spent as a family (sorta), and about the last time I directed a conversation with the kids about what is going on.

Right now my two sons are at odds with the sitch. I have been trying to involve their Dad in functions, but only if they and he wanted to. Right now, my one son (S14) does not want to include H and is leaning on the side of not wanting to do anything with him. He has openly expressed to me that he doesn't like going with Dad over the weekends, and is tired of going back and forth between us two, and that Dad's house is boring. My youngest is the exact opposite, with the exception of the boring part. He agrees, going to Dad's is boring and he never wants to do anything.

I am hurt that it seems that the only person gaining any satisfaction of this separation is H. To further the matters, because of me trying to get my bearings, detaching, PMA, GAL, etc., I don't feel that I want my H back either. Which I know will kill the boys if my H would ever have a change of heart and/or come out of this.

My children have been priority number one, but with so much indecision and feelings all over the board, I don't see a wrong or right thing to do anymore.

uuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Portia]

Hello my girl B

So sorry you had a rough day. I know this is not easy on anyone especially the kids.

I often feel just like you. How is it that I am left with anxiety attacks and he is "in love". That it is one thing to leave and want a different life but to go after that in the most destructive way possible is baffling. They abandon common sense and common decency and just keep pouring salt in that wound.

We are strong women. And with that comes a very strong sense of right and wrong. So screw 'em. Let's look after us and have a good weekend.

Take care of you.

[BRNR]

it is one thing to leave and want a different life but to go after that in the most destructive way possible is baffling. They abandon common sense and common decency and just keep pouring salt in that wound.

My mantra from day one. I just don't understand this.

[BRNR]

Happy May everyone!!!!

I took a break from posting on the boards for me and my kids. I feel like we are getting over the rough spots and are starting to live that FULL life without H, and I was taking some time to bask in the awesome life that me and the kids will have.

Just a non-update. Nothing has changed with the sitch, no signs, no positivity, no arguments. I have really learned how to take a back seat to everything and "try" to really take some deep breaths and not let H bother me anymore. My trigger as of late was my kids, and now that I know that, I am learning not letting that bother me either.

I will say that my patience was tested recently and all I could hear was Snodderly saying "be patient the answers will come". I am still not sure of all the answers just yet, and welcome opinions, but I know that they will be revealed when the time is right. This I definitely have faith in.

So recent challenge is over money and H's agreement of what he would pay. Most recently he has not provided money for a couple of things. I really did a 180 on this, okay, maybe a 160, but I definitely did a change. For one thing, I just stated that I hadn't seen the deposit. He said he thought he had and would do it in a few days. I left it alone, did not even respond. After realizing he didn't pay for the first thing I saw another thing was due as well. This I said NOTHING about. Well today, I got an "I am sorry" text, explaining what happened and when he can expect to deposit the monies. So the 180 is that I always handled the finances in the marriage. This time, he is all on his own, and came up with a plan that should work...and came to me and apologized all on his own.

Now, don't get it wrong, I still am in the whole believe none of what they say and half of what they do mindset, so I am going to remain just a little more patient and see if he rectifies things before I go down in financial flames...and file for support to get what is needed to keep me and the kids going. But I do see this as him showing a little glimpse of some type of responsibility by letting me know on his own. I don't know, maybe I am just looking for a positive in a negative situation.

Anyway, really enjoying life this past week/weekend. The boys have opened up more about the sitch. Also told me how much they miss me when with H and love when the three of us are together.

I will say that I have been doing a lot of internal work on me lately. Finding what makes me happy, learning how to de-stress and cope with my anxiety, loving all the wonderful things in my life, PMA, and even learning how to show compassion to H. I am doing worlds better at work and day-to-day living. Eating, sleeping, and enjoying my time alone and with my kids.

I think H is starting to notice me as he has made a few comments here and there, but nothing particular, just that he noticed something was new and it looked nice on me.

Don't really have much more to say. At this stage, I know that what is supposed to happen will happen. I am just living my day and whatever comes I will deal with at the time.

Hope everyone is doing well. AJM and Snodderly, I think you would be proud. I am feeling way detached these days, and I am hoping it is not just a brief moment. Also, I read a lot of what is going on with the other sitches...Portia, RH, T2'd, and Mizjjd. I do have hope and pray for all of you as well as myself that our sitches will have the best possible outcomes.

HUGS to all you guys and gals...Take Care!!!

[reachingHigher]

Hi BRNR,

What a positive update! You are taking care of you, your kids, your mental health, your life!

I'm glad to hear the happy theme in this update!

Hugs,
rH

P.S. Thanks so much for the "let it go" advice the other day on my thread. I really needed that and it came at just the right time!

[Portia]

Hey B,

You sound great!

I know that evrey bit of detachment comes very hard earned - but so worth it!

Hugs!

[BRNR]

Thanks Portia and RH for your words of kindness.

Writing this morning because I am having a little of an emotional set back.

Last night I went to Divorce Care class. I hadn't gone the past couple of weeks because I needed a break. Well, the class went well, but the topic was emotional aspects of divorce on children. Sent me into a tizzy emotionally. Luckily, it seemed to be confirmed that I am doing the best I can with my children, I am even avoiding all the wrong things to do. So I am really glad that I am giving 1000% on that topic.

But, the group updates are what really kills me emotionally...and then I start thinking of my sitch. I found myself back in love with my husband again. Remembering our 15 years together. I soooooo want my husband back in my life and my children's life. I was so tempted to email him last night, but didn't and went to sleep, which sleeping didn't go to well last night as I was emotionally reeling.

It kills me that it seems my H is so angry all the time. I have been putting my best foot forward and am pleasant and positive when he is around all the time, but nothing seems to make him happy, at least not that I have seen. He doesn't spew, but he doesn't crack a smile not even when he sees the boys.

I miss my old H. He would have a permanent smile on his face as soon as he woke up in the morning.

I guess I am feeling a little hopeless today. There are no connections anymore, no interactions as a family, no conversations, even about the weather. This makes me feel like I am lost. I feel like there is nothing more I can do...and I want to know that I am doing my all to save myself, my children, my H and my marriage and family.

I feel that it may look to my H as if I have given up on our marriage and family and it may be pushing him further away instead of bringing him closer. Is there a time when too much space is no good? What more can I do? I know the answer is nothing, I just wish I saw something. Something that showed that we, or even the children, were still in his heart.

So lost in an emotionally state this morning, but still good everywhere else. I miss MY husband. I can't even say that he is that person anymore, and seems too content on keeping things the way the are if not worse.

My son said a few days ago that Daddy came to them and said that he was sorry things were the way they are and that me and him would never be together again. OUCH!!! Could he really be that happy with OP that he would throw everything away like this? I know, fog. But sometimes I wonder if I am deluding myself. Maybe a life with us was something he never wanted. 15 years, down the drain...emotional pain and damage all over the place...things said and done that will have long lasting if not forever effects. UGH!

I am not sure I can endure anymore, but know it would be worth it if I keep pushing along. Patience is wearing on me, my faith is dwindling, and my fears are surfacing. I even fear a reconciliation as I know all the hard work that would have to be put in and I don't even know if I am doing any of the work I need to do now. And what IF (big IF) we did, and that failed too. I don't think I could go through this again. That is a big fear for me.

Maybe I am just emotionally drained and physically tired. Sorry for the rant this morning.

I know there is so much more I feel and could say, but what is the point. The one person that I want to say it to the most, wouldn't and couldn't care less. The one person who would give me a big hug, comfort ME, and tell me everything will be okay is gone...and I am starting to feel like he is gone forever.

Okay, soooooo who wants to whack me with one of those virtual 2x4's????

[Portia]

No 2x4s from me, just love and support.

I soooooo want my husband back in my life and my children's life. I was so tempted to email him last night, but didn't and went to sleep, which sleeping didn't go to well last night as I was emotionally reeling.

B, I struggle with that quite a bit, both the non-contact and the no sleeping. I put one foot in front of the other but then all of a sudden it hits me that I am walking away from my old life step by step. This new life doesn't feel quite right just yet.

I guess I am feeling a little hopeless today. There are no connections anymore, no interactions as a family, no conversations, even about the weather. This makes me feel like I am lost. I feel like there is nothing more I can do...and I want to know that I am doing my all to save myself, my children, my H and my marriage and family.

I feel that it may look to my H as if I have given up on our marriage and family and it may be pushing him further away instead of bringing him closer. Is there a time when too much space is no good? What more can I do? I know the answer is nothing, I just wish I saw something. Something that showed that we, or even the children, were still in his heart.

So lost in an emotionally state this morning, but still good everywhere else. I miss MY husband. I can't even say that he is that person anymore, and seems too content on keeping things the way the are if not worse.

I hear you here, too. The person who always feels like doing nothing and patiently waiting will get nowhere. The need to do something, anything to shake up the situation. Knowing that will probably get me nowhere. Of course we miss our partners. But it does feel like it is adding insult to injury when they seem to be fine without us. Do they miss us at all? Logic would say that they must - a little, at least. But they sure don't show it.

Maybe a life with us was something he never wanted. 15 years, down the drain...emotional pain and damage all over the place...things said and done that will have long lasting if not forever effects. UGH!

B, do not let him rewrite your history. Of course he wanted to be part of the family. He did stay 15 years. No one stays in an unhappy situation for 15 years. The difficulty for me is fearing that I am no longer what he wants. In fact, of all the words he said to me (and there were many) those are the words burned into my brain: You are not what I want.

I know there is so much more I feel and could say, but what is the point. The one person that I want to say it to the most, wouldn't and couldn't care less. The one person who would give me a big hug, comfort ME, and tell me everything will be okay is gone...and I am starting to feel like he is gone forever.

Forever is a long time. Did you see all of this coming? Maybe he will surprise you again, but in a good way this time. You share a bond, children and shared a life together. That counts for a lot.

You mentioned that you see each other every day because of the kids. THAT counts as an interaction. Small, yes but still, contact and a chance to DB. In DR (I think), one of the goals set out was to make these interactions count when they occurred with the simple goal of increasing the time of the interactions until conversation was pleasant and comfortable. Can you use this to make baby-steps?

The truth is, any way that you can slice it and dice it, MLC is the pits.

[BRNR]

Thanks Portia for all you said and for the love and support.

Not really sure what to say. But I do want to answer a couple of your thoughts and questions.

NO, I did not see this coming. So when I say NEVER, it is really my way of accepting what this is, the end of my marriage, life as I knew, family, etc.

And yes, I see H daily, but he is distancing himself more now...rushing the kids out the door, waiting in his car, or walking out hurriedly. So while I am very pleasant and polite, the only people who seem to want to extend the convo are my boys who hang on to me and every word as they all walk out the door.


Another thought I had and want to get opinions from everyone who has one to offer....is self creating interactions with the MLC'er wrong? I don't want to invade his "space", but my dilemma really stems from and for our boys. They are desperately resenting going over H's. They are always bored and more often seem to not "like" Dad. I was thinking about breaking up the monotony for them by inviting them to do small and short activities on H's weekends, while also inviting H too! All with H's permission of course. Like I am thinking maybe to invite them to go get ice cream, or lunch, or bowling, or something. I would take the boys irregardless if H wanted to go, but could this create more bad than good? IDK. I guess I just want to see all the perspectives and/or consequences of this before I do anything.