I am really trying to follow the DB techniques and your advice. The few days away really helped me, and I am really trying to focus on me and D first and foremost. That will make me a better person for whatever happens. I obviously still want my W and M back, but, there is no quick fix here. It can't be "microwaved"
Journal:
Went to W new place last night to quickly see D and drop off a doll I brought her from my trip. I was very excited to see her and she me. She is the world to me.
I made sure though that I looked good when I went, and W noticed. W: is that a new shirt? You look fantastic. You really do. M: yeah, it is. Thanks, I feel really really good. How are you doing? How was your day? W: I'm okay, not sleeping all that great, mind always going. Work is okay. BTW, the dog wold not listen to me, she ran away once, and would not settle down for me at night at all while you were gone. She was pacing around, etc. M: oh, okay. She doesn't run away on me at all, still listens really well. To be honest, she doesn't settle down well at night, and has been like that since you left. (background, my W was the 'alpha dog' with our dog, and the dog would go to bed at when my wife did, so her routine is completely off at night) W: Oh my...I guess I've wreaked havoc in everyone's life. And maybe some day I'll be ale to figure out why I made the decision. M: you haven't wreaked havoc...well, okay, that's a fair statement. This has been hard on everyone, including you most of all I suspect. What do you mean, someday figure out why? He (me) is standing right in front of you, it was the marriage. W: No, it wasn't all you or the marriage. The marriage was a big part of it, but, I don't know all the reasons. I know I don't know who I am, or what I want. I don't know what I want from my job, where I want to live, or what I really want from life type thing. M: what do you mean by where you want to live? As in another city? (I had to ask as I was worried about D) W: oh no, not that at all, I never want to live in any other city, I wouldn't try to move away from you with her. That's not what I meant... (Mind reading I know, but, this makes me think about the conversation she had w/ me on Thursday night that I posted Friday...about how she feels comfortable here in our house and feels like she should be here still at times...) M: Okay, thanks for explaining that. I'm sorry you're going through this and can't imagine how it's making you feel. W: I feel like I have no roots now. Like I'm floating through life. I never thought I would be this age, living in a small apartment as a single parent. We had always had "our" life. There are plenty of nights I sit here and want to cry about this, and I do. The other days and nights that I don't cry, I just survive.. I just exist. M: oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I've never wanted you to feel sad or be hurt..ever. If you want to talk about anything, I will listen..but, I can't solve your problems, as much as I wish I could, I can't. You made this decision and you need to figure out what is what. But, you know I am always here, day or night for you. W: I know, and I don't know what to say to you. I can't commit to anything with you and us because I don't know who I'll be in 6 months. I wish I could tell you, give me six months to figure myself put, then we'll go work on figuring us out...but, I don't want to give you false hope... I don't know who I will be or what I will want... I feel completely like I'm floating through life right now. M: I understand. I won't ask you to commit or do anything you feel youre not ready to. In fact, i feel myself changing through the exploration I'm doing because of this. So, I understand, because, I don't know who I will be in 6 months either. I think I'll just be a better version of me, and will feel the same way for you and us, but, I can't guarantee that to you either. W: I know, and that's something I may have to live with... M: I am going to keep going to my therapist. W: Me too. Do we still want to go see one together at some point? M: absolutely if you do. I'm wondering though if there is any need for us to rush to go? Or should we keep doing our own individual and sort of playing by ear? We may gain more perspective with time? W: I think that's fine...I just can't commit to anything...to us right now. M: I understand...I do. I can't guarantee everyone either, we're really broken, but, what I can commit to you for is that I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere....and i want to talk.. I think we shoud talk...when youre ready to talk. W: I know, and I want to talk, and I'll start talking when I can. M: that's all I can ask of you, no more then that...im here when you're ready.
I the pn talked to D and played for awhile and when I left, W gave me a hug.
I dont know what to make of all this.., I'm trying to not engage, but, there have been times in the last week where she has, and I feel I should talk when she does... Or should I not? It's also confusing because, she'll have conversations like this, then the next day, the wall will be back up. I guess I need to keep trying to detach, so it's not a roller coaster based on her emotions. This is ALL so hard!
