Hi 2Chi! I was reading a few posts back and wanted to chime in. Hope you don't mind.
Quote:
Journaling-- I had a talk with H tonite about parenting stuff. I realize that I am very adamant about the kids having a nighttime routine. I brought it up and he was defensive from the start. I knew I must've said it wrong or missed something.
Came to find out he felt that I hadn't appreciated all the work he had been doing these past couple months. Since I started working evenings, he handles the evening "routine" and I didn't start the talk with affirmations (remember his LL-WOA!)
I struggle with these conversations since I don't know how to have constructive talks. I used to expect it to go my way and if it didn't, it wasn't productive. I'm learning to find balance.
I found myself saying, ok, well then what do you think should change? (in a nonjudgemental way).
Sometimes being honest about your feelings, and your struggles, and your growth is the best way to approach delicate situations or difficult conversations. The piece in the quote box hi-lighted in blue is a good example of where you might be a little more open in explaining yourself and what you are trying to be careful of and why it is a struggle for you.
Opening yourself up a little more in this way is showing vulnerability and understanding and a desire to communicate in a way that is not combative or hurtful. Acknowledging the effort your H is putting into parenting is apparently HUGE for him. Use this to your advantage as you try to find common ground.
Maybe approach the subject by acknowledging the work he has done. Then share some of the areas you are struggling with and instead of saying something like "it must be this way" or "I expect things to go that way", try soliciting his input. Perhaps something like, "for me, I feel most at ease when I know the kids are on a predictable schedule". "You seem to have that part down when I am at work, do you have any ideas on how we can make that work all the time?"
I know it sounds formulaic and will probably be uncomfortable at first but perhaps an approach like this might be helpful. Once you get that part down, then you can venture into other delicate areas using a similar approach. Specifically in the area of trust.
I hope this is helpful.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Hi 2Chi, I hope you are feeling better today? Thank you for all of the support you have been giving me on my thread. I really appreciate it ((((((( )))))))
Sending you love....
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thank you Bustingout and IO for stopping by. I really appreciate it. I see this as receiving my LL-quality time ;-)
Journaling.... Today was a peaceful day. I have to thank myself for that. I could've stirred the pot but I kept myself busy and focused on myself. I'm doing much better at this.
Let me tell you why I could've stirred the pot...
H n I sleep in separate beds. He sleeps with S4 and I sleep with D1. I woke up to nurse D1 at 4am and shortly after heard his cell ring. He answered and it was a very very quick conversation.
Before I would've done one of the following, or all of them!
1-walked into the bedroom and asked him who he was talking to. Asked to see his call log.
2-next morning I would've brought it up. also, asked to see his call log.
3-I would've obsessed about it all morning and not gone back to sleep.
4-I would've been giving him the cold shoulder all day.
Instead, I remembered that whatever is going on with that phone call is none of my business. If she called then he needs to handle it. He continues to make plans about our future as a family and he hasn't left so whatever he's doing is again, his business.
I've learned the hard way not to try and control a situation or manipulate it to go my way. Instead I'm allowing things to fall where they may.
If she is in the picture and I become aware of it without looking for it, (and it disrupts my serenity) that's when I will decide how to get my serenity back.
For my kids sake, I need to be in a calm place. Praying, meditating, talking to other's not involved in my sitch,etc helps a lot!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I know you will think about it still :), I would...but the fact that you choose to do the above shows a lot of growth and determination. Sometimes when thoughts pop back into my head I repeat "I can only chose what my actions are, I cannot choose for others." It helps me to remain on my non controlling zen path
Ruby, It's been a week and I haven't put much thought into it. As a matter of fact, I didn't remember about it until I read you post. Goes to show you that I've done a better job at detaching than I thought.
Journaling I've kept up with my mtgs. I am also working a lot more. I leave at 4p and don't get home til 9p so I miss dinner and bedtime routine. This has really forced me to be ok with giving up control of the kids at this time. I try to remind him how much I appreciate him taking on the responsibilities without my help.
I had a bit of a challenge last night when I got home and noticed D1 hadn't been bathed in 2 days and she was wearing the same clothes to sleep. Errrr! I had to detach and let it go.
Thankfully I have continued to go to my mtgs during the day when I can't go to one at night. I do not want to fall back to old behavior.
My dad is visiting and that's always a challenge for me. My dad and I are a lot alike! We are NOT caretakers. He leaves crumbs on the table and spills stuff on the floor. Doesn't flush the toilet. Feeds my kids cookies after I brushed their teeth. Let's them sip from the last drops of his coffee that is super sweet. My kids love it!
Before I was a mess when my dad visits. Now I appreciate him. My dad is getting older and he won't be able to travel as he does now. My kids get to see him a few times a year and I'm fortunate they have a relationship with him.
H used to calm me down before but now I find myself calming him down. H loves a clean house and since they are both here and I'm more hands off, H is starting to roll his eyes. It's really funny.
I am hormonal and find myself easily irritable. I want to get into it with H but I'm working at STFU! Also, I WANT MY LOVE TANK FILLED! heck I'll settle for 1/2 a tank!!
This weekend plans, Fri-Disneyland and BILs graduation; Sat-mtg, work, Step study mtg, neice's bday bash; Sun-work, relax
Have a great weekend everybody!!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
What I need to see from H before I move one step forward towards R.
-terminate his commitment to the gym. I'm not saying he can't go to the gym but not commit to teaching classes, especially since it's 4 times a week.(I don't feel comfortable bringing this up until I know he wants to R since it's been an issue of ours for a very long time)
-include me in his FB account.(This can't be isolated. It has to be with another item on the list.)
-*See his call log from the computer (not his cell).
-no lies. not even "white" lies.
-*read the 5LL and After the Affair.
-*letter to OW. i thought that after all this time I wouldn't want him to do it anymore, but I still do.
*I've told him that i need to see this to move closer to R but he hasn't done it.
What do you all think? I don't want to move forward. I'm afraid. I don't trust him. **SIGH**
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Is the gym thing really a deal breaker? I know guys for whom it is really important and non-negotiable. What is it that you're wanting that the current gym regime interferes with? Can you focus on that?
