first of all, i can't even imagine how difficult it must be right now dealing with all the financial issues. so (((((( ))))) for that.
for what i can understand, you are now D'ed but there is still no CS agreement. am i getting that right? what i wonder is.. as i red KG's post etc.. i'm wondering.. have you thought about what you are planning on doing if the best case scenario doesn't work out? i don't mean to be bringing up all the negatives but, just judging from his history, the court may enforce CS but what is the likely of all the other money he has taken from the family savings?
i don't know.. i'm not sure if being accomodating.. being friendly, warm, empathetic.. i don't know how much they apply here. it's nice he took you out for lunch but i keep thinking, he's basically taking you out for lunch with your money (essentially money that should be going to CS, school fees etc).
maybe i'm totally out of line here.. i'm just worried about you since your ex-H doesn't seem to have clear boundaries.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
NLW, in your post you wondered if you were in trouble mentally, and I wanted to reassure you that denial of your divorce is your brain's way of getting its resources together before dealing with loss. It is a natural and necessary part of the grieving process. Feel your feelings and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thanks Ad. I've been feeling very weird about the D. It's so unreal.
I feel like the last 2 years have been more like a matter of weeks. Like I've been in a whirlwind and suddenly I've been dropped back down. Some strange woman told me H and I are divorced. I still feel like "You've gotta be joking! Him and me, D-ed? Never".
I suppose i'll get the hang of it eventually. It helps to hear you say that I'm doing what needs to be done to get through it.
There's a definite sense of relief, too, that the court process of D is over. That was traumatic, as was waiting for it to eventuate.
Journalling - I want to keep a sense of what changes in my sitch and the following (although focused on XH) represents more of the change that i saw starting on D day.
D17 and S14 are at home sick. XH rings D17 at 3.30pm to ask if he can bring specialty pastries from a little bakery we always frequented.
He asks her what she wants and then what S14 wants. He then asks her what mummy wants.
I was staggered. This is a man who has been spewing and spitting and hating me for the last 4-5 months. A week ago, he called me a "bunny boiler".
He came over with 3 pastries for each of us (yeah, I know BF, more spending of our money!) and was friendly and chatty.
He came into the kitchen where i was keeping out of his way and spoke to me. Even accepted a drink of water (big change!). He kept trying to include me in his interaction with the kids.
When he was leaving he said goodbye to the kids and then hung around at the door for so long that I eventually called out "Bye and thanks for the pastries". He responded in a friendly way. Said he would call again tomorrow.
Just like old times - but then again, so not.
Mildly interested in what's going to happen next. But no longer over-excited. Just keeping a weather-eye on.
NLW, this is definitely interesting development. Who knows what’s going on in his head. But, I would not put too much thought into this though. He might have changed his behavior towards you because you gave him what he wanted, the official D, and there nothing to fight against anymore.
I totally understand how you feel about D. My sitch is moving towards D full speed, I think. I think I’m starting to accept it, but there are moments when it all seems so unreal… still… after 10 months of separation… I just cannot believe that H would wants to divorce me.
The good thing is you don’t have to deal with his bad behavior any more. I agree with BF that you probably need to enforce the boundaries.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Lol. NLW.. I think my post to you was also a reminder to myself. It's nice to enjoy these gestures (especially when they are so far and few between). My hope for you is that exH is truly turning a corner and will be fair when it comes to logistics. I just mean to say to you (and my subconscious self) that it may change tomorrow.
We always hear.. Consistent change is what will convince the WAS that our changes are real.. As the LBS, we often grasp at these tiny changes in behaviour and forget the consistent part.
What kind of pastries? I bet they were yummy.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Today, XH tried to do the same thing as yesterday.
He rang D17 offering pastries again (savoury pies & cream and custard-filled eclairs, BF).
But I'd sent D17 and S14 back to school.
So he ended up calling D17 out of school to deliver her pastries in his car at lunchtime.
As usual, WTF?
In the meantime, I headed back to work with a new attitude. For the first time in nearly 2 yrs, I seemed to be able to forget my sitch and focus fully on work. Actually enjoyed myself.
Strangely, the D seems to have worked positively for me. Still can't believe it's happened, but a potent sense of relief is there.
Packed for S14 who leaves tomorrow for 3 days interstate at a big schools' music competition. He's not quite well enough to go, but is needed in the band. He's a bit emotionally fragile too, I reckon, so I hope he'll be OK. I'll miss him but it will give me a chance to get out on my own.
D17 and I ran into XH and OW at the supermarket on the way home today.
First time she's seen them together.
She was shaken. So was I.
Within 20 mins I got a text from him offering again to 'pick up the car and get a quote for repairs'.
Ha! How about you pay for some basics like food, clothing, schooling and medical first?
They make me sick. They have no shame - and no consideration for the children.
I think I will have to give up shopping here.
It's too awful anticipating that they might be around every next corner.
I didn't want to be the one hounded out of our village.
But it seems like I'm putting myself and the kids in unnecessary pain.
What a POS this man and that 'woman' are.
I wish I'd never met him. The sooner I can relegate him to the category of sperm donor, the better, I think. Feeling compassion for him and his crisis is bringing me and the kids nothing but pain and suffering.
Come to think of it, he didn't 'donate' anything. He's cost me a fortune.
Tonight I agree with his own assessment: He IS a scumbag, and they deserve each other.
