Say What??

[2chiquitos]

NLW-ugh! I hate that feeling. I hope you also find something to relieve that tension.

IO-non negotiable boundaries. That's what it is. I have to be clear about it, to myself.

Journaling--
I had a talk with H tonite about parenting stuff. I realize that I am very adamant about the kids having a nighttime routine. I brought it up and he was defensive from the start. I knew I must've said it wrong or missed something.

Came to find out he felt that I hadn't appreciated all the work he had been doing these past couple months. Since I started working evenings, he handles the evening "routine" and I didn't start the talk with affirmations (remember his LL-WOA!)

I struggle with these conversations since I don't know how to have constructive talks. I used to expect it to go my way and if it didn't, it wasn't productive. I'm learning to find balance.

I found myself saying, ok, well then what do you think should change? (in a nonjudgemental way).

I'm hoping this talk will help ease the tension I'm feeling since it's one of the topics I've been holding back on having.

I noticed that even turning on the wrong street builds up the tension.

[JuneReN]

Chiq-since you work evenings, why would you impose your schedule if he is taking care of night time routine? Am I missing something? If you feel a schedule is of utmost importance, this is something that is negotiable for sure, but let me ask, have the kids been crazy people since Dad has been doing it?
I agree that little kids need a schedule for sure, but I think there is room within it for compromise.

[needgrace]

I noticed that even turning on the wrong street builds up the tension.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((2C)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

be kind to yourself dear friend.

fear of making mistakes can be paralyzing.. i know that feeling well. for me, it shuts down my ability to be vulnerable and real and it makes me want to control things... i recently heard brene brown talk on shame and she talks about the connection between perfectionism and shame. it really helped me.

[2chiquitos]

IO-I have serious control issues when it comes to my kids. Something I'm working on...

NG-I heard at a mtg, "be gently with yourself." I'm trying...

Journaling----

Today I took S4 to the ER. When he gets a fever he needs to get his blood drawn to check his neutrophil count. It was surprisingly low and he was admitted. This hasn't happened since he was 2. His counts have been so good these past 2yrs that we thought we were out of the woods. Hematologist was considering weaning him off his meds.

So I'm home with D1 and H is spending the night at the hospital with S4. S4 is so attached to his dad. More than before. This whole sitch has brought them closer. It really is great. When they put in his IV S4 said, "I'm going to tell my dad they poked me." in his mopey face. H is a caretaker and S4 has caught on!

Since I last posted I went back to my Step 4 inventory and writing down my resentments. I started being resentful of H and MIL and decided to turn the focus back on me. I got a migraine thinking of all the things I had done that I was resentful for. I've been writing them down and realized some things about myself.

1- I have so much pride. If I fall off a pedestal I put myself on, I beat myself up for it. Pride definitely gets in the way of recovery!

2- I use humor to mask myself. In different circumstances I used humor to get attention. In the process I was also hiding my true self. (insecure, afraid)

3- I have serious control issues about raising my kids. Moms at the Al Anon mtg were reminding me to let go and allow my children to be loved by others. This is soooo hard!! I don't like my kids eating at MILs house or visiting people (w/ dad) that are not family. I don't want to go into detail but I am overprotective. I thought I had changed a lot since BD but I notice that I'm still holding on tight.

Other than that, H is still spending the night here. No PT other than hugs. He continues to sleep with S4. If S4 wakes up at night while H n I are watching TV, he cries for H. He's so attached to his dad. S4 tells D1, "when I grow up I'm gonna be big just like papi."

Wait there was PT though I'm not proud. He poked my muffin top when I bent down to put groceries in the fridge. I was shocked and pissed. But later I realized that Hs PT is in the form of a 10yr old boy. He is rough when he's affectionate with the kids. He's definitely not gentle. Kids are used to it!

Other than that I continue working PT and hope that I will let go of the kids when they are with H. I told him to please be patient with me about this since it's very hard for me.

Gonna rest. Tomorrow D1 and I will be with S4 at the hospital all day til H gets off work. Good night all!

[keep_going]

2Ch,

I am so sorry to hear about your son being in the hospital... I send you all my love, lots of hugs and I will be praying for him and all your family.

Hang in there - you are a very strong woman!

PS - Please call me if I can help you with anything while your son is in the hospital. I'll be happy to do it!

((((((2Ch))))))))

[labug]

I hope S4 is better today. ((( )))

Those inventories are hard to do. Facing ourselves is so difficult. I admire you for sticking with it and working on you.

[needgrace]

dear friend,

my thoughts and prayers are with you and your son. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((2ch)))))))))))))))))))))))))) i can not imagine how that must feel and i would well imagine that his medical history has created fears that are under what you identify as controlling behavior.

i admire your courage and honesty with your inventory. i find it helpful to create awareness around what is under the behaviors.. what fears, beliefs about self/others, hurts, shame created the behavior as a defense or way to cope.

love you and thinking about you sweet lady

[JuneReN]

Oh 2chiqs, I have a feeling you and I have a lot in common. I always had control issues with my kids...right up until BD 7 months ago....that's 16 years worth. Don't go down that path

I let go of control. I wanted S to be smart and well dressed and on schedule and etc and etc and etc all his little life. Thank God he is his own person, I could have seriously done some damage to the kid. But S16 turned out just as fine as the other kid who didn't impose all the control. If I could do it again, I would laugh and live a little more.

I never let H have any say and made him feel like moron Dad. Seriously, who wants to feel like that? I realize now that his opinions were just as valid as mine and should have negotiated rather than railroaded.

I use humour a lot as well. So easy to deflect and hide behind, isn't it? Especially when the humour is self deprecating, then you get to think negatively and make everyone laugh....double the fun....

But, when you devalue yourself, everyone else thinks it's okay to do so as well. H did this to himself constantly and then wondered why he felt so depressed all the time...

Pride...ah. I am prideful about my intellect, my kids, my home, and once, my marriage. Took my marriage being flushed to relieve me of all the others lol and just be thankful instead.

Positive energy for your S. He is in my thoughts (((( ))))

[bustingout]

(((((((((2)))))))))

Is S doing better...?

You are a strong woman and a dedicated mother. You are lovely.

[2chiquitos]

Thank you KG. I appreciate the offer ;-)

LaBug, YES the inventories are hard but I feel as though this is one of the biggest tools I've learned to recover. I hope to learn more about myself.

Thank you NG, Love you too! and yes my son's medical condition has created a lot of fears that are so hard for me to work with.

IO- YOU FEEL ME! lol! yes yes and yes!

Busting! So are you!!!

Journaling++++++++++++++++
S4 was discharged today. His counts shot up which is great. He was sooo excited when the his specialist came in to tell him the news.

I'm so happy to have him home. This experience puts things into perspective. I don't care about our sitch. I don't care that we're broke. I just want my kids to be healthy. That's the priority. Everything else comes 2nd.