The meds are clearly completely out of my system. I'm doing surprisingly well without them. Spring Break came and went (and H actually took off that week too. I was terrified I would want to kill him, but it went surprisingly well). Another grading cycle at work came and went, and now we are facing the last 5 weeks of school.
And here I am again, the last week of April, and H is out of town.
He's in Orlando. So that's some help. And D and I were there for a bit as well.
In case you didn't know this already, don't take a toddler to Disney World. It's stupid. Not because they won't have fun, they probably will, but the park is SO huge, and they require a nap (and mine will not do it in a stroller... SO MUCH TO SEE!! No, no, we need a crib) so you waste so much time getting to the park, only to need to leave the park within a few hours to go nap, then that takes forever, and then you go back and then they can't stay up and....
Anyway. Fun, but financially ridiculous (even with all the help). Thank goodness H's company covered some of the expenditures and we used some of H's "points" to get there and cover our part of the hotel. We got some good pictures and some good memories, but it was very strenuous on how we dealt with each other because we were both so stressed out.
No major fights to speak of. But the morning we left, I heard something on the radio and it set me off.
I didn't go into a flying rage or anything. Just obsessive thoughts. We've been working a lot on acceptance in IC. That I just have to accept that thoughts will come into my head that I don't necessarily want to have and how I just sort of... have to let them pass.
I have to acknowledge the pain.
I just never know when I'm going to be set off.
I watched a video of some dude in drag dancing to "Call Me Maybe" while doing Chatroulette. Hilarious, but made me think of 2 years ago when I was so lonely that I went on there. Nothing terrible or scarring happened (no, I didn't even see anyone's junk!), but it's the only time I've ever done that.
And then of course, the time of year. It was this Friday two years ago I found that receipt for condoms that still haunts me to this day.
I try to acknowledge all the good things we have. I know it may not seem like it on here, but if you want to gauge it, I've been posting here less and less (and, remember, not many people knew what was happening when it was happening, so this was literally my only place to vent for so, so long).
Our daughter is happy, healthy, smart, loving, and clearly feels cared for by the way she treats her stuffed animals and dolls.
We have a wonderful house that we've been in for less than a year. H is a rising star at work and is regularly chatting with CFOs and VPs, etc. etc.
I still love my job, and my job loves me. I had a super successful ARD today actually.
I know that the memories and pain will fade. It does on a regular basis. But my tolerance for his general crap is just so much lower than it used to be. And I do still feel contemptuous. Which I know is absolute arsenic for a relationship.
We are discussing a second child. For a few reasons. Primarily, we want our children to not be super far apart and I do NOT want to be pregnant past 35. Yes, I know I've got a few years, but who knows if getting pregnant the next time around will be as easy as the first time? It takes, on average, a year to conceive. Plus, who knows if this would be our last kid. I'm not a proponent for people having a kid in order to "save their relationship", but I think it's brought to light new strengths in each other that we didn't know before having D. Not to toot our own horn, but we both think the other person is a pretty awesome parent. There are other not so nice things we can say about how we do other things, but when it comes to our parenting, we are both very happy with each other. If all future offspring were to be like the first one (yes, I know, highly unlikely), we'd be happy with more than just 2.
Secondly, I know that it is the ultimate test. It is the worst f-ing double edged sword I can think of, but I do not trust him still to do the right thing in that situation. Yes, I understand that adding a kid to the mix is not AS big a transition as becoming a parent for the first time. And he knows his mistakes. AND he WANTS to make them better.
The logical side of me says, "he won't f it up this time. We've spent too much time and money fixing things. We've made mistakes, we've learned from mistakes, and H does tend to stick to lessons learned from big mistakes. If he masters this task, then my faith in him will be restored."
The f-ed up side of me says, "he still cannot handle being a grown up. He cannot handle me being the one in a vulnerable position. He cannot handle being the strong one."
I know that I will never REALLY know until we cross that bridge again.
