AJ, this entire ordeal has been so disorienting. I was sure about who I was and how others saw me until the spew started. I was so shattered initially that I started believing all of it. I felt like a fraud. I had always been admired for being honest, loving and kind, but when my STBX started blaming me for his decision to leave because I was "controlling" and "wonderful to everyone but him," etc. I didn't know myself anymore. He told me that I made rules and then broke them. The worst was when he said the boys would have a father if it weren't for me. I couldn't process what I heard. I felt destroyed and worthless. I felt responsible for my boys' pain. Once I started detaching I saw myself clearly again. I am the person that I always believed I was only more evolved now. I know I was very loving toward my STBX, but understand why he has to believe otherwise. His version of me and our marriage hurts.
As for the legal stuff, it's hard. I'm tired of it all. It goes against who I am. It's expensive. I could have paid for a year of college with what this has cost already. I just want to continue to raise my boys in the only home they've ever known. I don't want them to have another major change. I want to stay near our neighbors who look out for us. This is the part that I can get pretty upset about if I don't keep myself in check. I'm having a hard time staying the course. I feel like I could buckle under the pressure.
My attorney is once again submitting a settlement offer. It's unlikely that it will be accepted. We've been at this for months. The only way to try and get a fair resolution is to go to trial, but that can be dicey. It is very likely that the judge will order the house to be sold, which is what I'm trying to avoid. It will be difficult for me to buy another home without making a major move to a less expensive area. I start operating with a lot of fear when I think about it.
I just want the divorce to be done so I can focus on my family. My mom is very sick. She's been fighting stage IV breast cancer throughout all of this and is running out of treatment options. She was recently admitted to the hospital because of breathing issues. Spots on her lungs were found. Several weeks before that she fell and broke her shoulder. There is metastasis in her bones so they may not heal properly. It's devastating.
