I hope I didn't upset you with my last post. You were divorced just a couple of days ago and i am so deeply sorry if you felt like I was insensitive. it was not my intention at all.
No, not at all KG. And I'm a bit ashamed to let you in on my dirty secret. I don't believe that I'm D-ed at all. It still doesn't seem real to me.
Seems like it happened somehow 'outside' of me. Even when I read it here, as in your words above.
Maybe I am really in trouble, mentally.
Or maybe it's a good sign. i don't feel any different at all. No huge catastrophe ensued after the J uttered the words. Maybe that's all there is to it.
But anyway....
I understand your need to post to vent (I do all the time) and work through stuff you are struggling with (i do so as well). The amazing thing about this forum is that it is truly a safe place to to express our deep, deep, hurt and have people that actually get it, can empathize and offer support. Isn't it?
Oh, Yes! Where would we be without it?
I have followed your sitch for a long time trying to offer that - empathy and support because I feel I GET IT. I feel like your sitch and mine are similar in many ways... I know and I really appreciate all the support and help you've given me.
Yes! You have absolutely every right to post to vent and work through stuff you struggle with and you should continue doing so! It's part of the healing process. You mentioned that you also post because you want a different perspective and that is what I am trying to offer you...
When we focus on our spouse's actions, the hurtful thing they do and say and we try to understand their motivations, we start speculating and mind-reading, which causes anxiety and more pain for us. It can also become a habit and we can get stuck. And so I fear you getting stuck... I fear that your life may become on hold, watching and waiting for your H's next move. I fear so because I have been there - stuck for a very long time...
Yep, I fear this too. I felt I was moving on a little with reduced contact with him over last several months. But this D episode and his subsequent change dragged me back in. Hopefully it's only temporary!
Coincidentally, Advina and Accuray were discussing some of this just today in her thread. And Ad summed up so well what I want to say, that I am going to steal it from her thread for you (and me!):
"But enough complaining has to eventually lead to doing or it becomes an obstacle to improvement. Venting has its place but also its limits."
Again, I agree. I imagine, though, that I am going to have to vent and complain during the settlement process that is coming up too. XH has shown himself to be extreme in his attitude to finances. I really need to hear others' views and to vent my dis-belief at what he says and does. I feel I'd go crazy otherwise. After settlement, I imagine there will be nothing much to keep us involved with each other. No need to vent if I don't have to have anything to do with him - and that will be a choice I can make.
That is the perspective I was trying to bring today... Because that is what DBing is about, isn't it? It's about focusing on ourselves to become the best person we can FOR US. It's about not letting our lives or emotions depend on what our spouses do or say. It's NOT easy and it doesn't happen overnight, but one thing that can help us build momentum to get closer is to break our own cycles. Breaking the cycle of letting our thoughts focus on our spouse for too long, breaking the cycle of talking to others about our Hs frequently and breaking the cycle of writing about their actions too much ... When we practice bringing our thoughts back to the present moment, to what we are doing, to the good things we have today, to what is working in our lives, it's easier to stop thinking so much about them and thus, we take a step closer to detachment.
Yes, I do hear you. And I agree. Although, you can see my attempt to justify my actions above.
I want that for me, for you and for everyone on this forum. That is why I asked you about your GAL activities - because they also help us create momentum forward until we can get to a better place and I was worried, based on your posts, that you were not helping yourself in that area. So I am very, very happy to hear about all your GAL activities - they sound great and enriching and I want to give you kudos and encourage you to keep it up!
Thanks. They're not really all that great, but I'm working on getting out and about more.
I am also glad to hear that you have clarity re. what you want financially. I know what it is to live with the anxiety and stress of not knowing how you will pay the bills next month, so yes, financial issues have to be dealt with. So no, of course it's not terrible to want him to pay back all the money he has taken. (I actually asked for the same thing in the legal document my L is sending to my H this week.)
Yet my question to you was really about what you wanted out of your own life to be happy, separate from your H. Why separate from him? Because if your wants, needs and goals for your life are based on what he does or doesn't do, then it means you have no power...
So what if the things you want from him don't happen? What will that mean for NLW? Because the truth is that most of the things you listed as your desires are unfortunately out of your control. Yikes, I don't want to go there. I will probably lose the house. S14 will not be able to continue at his school. I will not be able to retire in 5 years time, let alone 10 years, and when I do, I will be living on a meagre income. The financial sitch is grim for me unless I can get something back from XH. Hence my focus on that aspect.
Look, my own request for money to my H is what I think is fair... I included it in the document because this is a negotiation and this is the time to ask for what I want. Yet I am completely clear and at peace knowing that I might not get ANYTHING. Why am I ok with letting go of that after fighting it for so long? Because I have made new life plans and goals that are independent of all of those D issues and of anything my H may or may not do. I am finally looking ahead to a future based on me and my kids... My H said we are no longer US over two years ago and I am finally ready to take control of a life based on ME, my happiness and work on becoming the best person I can be FOR ME. Because I deserve it and it's within my control...
So, what does NLW want out of life to become happy and become the best person she can be? What can you do today to help you get there?
I understand, but really, at this point, i just need money to maintain a decent existence for me and the kids. Food, petrol, school and medical costs, pay all the bills. I really can't think past these imperatives at the moment. I could kid myself by planning to write a best-seller (a la JK Rowling) or hoping to stumble across Prince Charming. But the reality for a massively in-debt 55-yr-old single mother of 2 teenagers is quite different.
I hope I don't sound like I'm in victim mode; I'm not. But getting out of this financial hole has to be my focus atm.
