How do they do it? That's the 65 million dollar question, right? I watched as mine re-remembered her past to line up with what she wanted to do. I watched as it went from "it's me" to "it's you! That's why I HAVE to leave" to her marrying the OM a few months later. I may have been blindsided, but honestly I don't think she could have done the things or spewed like she did if she had not convinced herself that it was all my fault and I "deserved" every bad thing she could think of. I see it as her "rebuilding" herself after the "moment of clarity" or whatever it's referred to as.
There are no winners. That's true. But honestly, I can say I don't miss her or the life that would have represented with her in her current state. My W is dead and gone. What remains is only a shell of that person. I saw an angry and scared person walk out the door (2x).
How can they do what they do? I haven't a clue, but I suspect they couldn't if they didn't view things that way. And no, a healthy person wouldn't do what they are doing. That's really what this is about - them trying to become healthy. To become a whole person. It's sad, but it's fascinating at the same time.
Protecting yourself and your kids is the best you can do, honestly. You have to let them go on this trip regardless of the outcome. Like you, I took too much blame at the beginning. I took too much of the spew and internalized it. I took it personally. But it's not personal. It's them.
If you keep that perspective, it's a different view of what's going on and you may find that the "why" no longer really matters in the scheme of things. The "what" is what you can deal with and the rest will be what it is.
I find the irony of this, like many others, that although my ex left, I'm the one that has to leave the relationship. Even years later, I find her trying to find a way to communicate (negatively, but just the same it is trying of a sort.)
Bigger picture, he'll do those things and come up with ways to justify. If he's like mine, he'll find over and over again that what he thought, wasn't accurate, so he'll readjust the "story" and the sep agreement will change. If you let it. I got to a point where I would give no more. No matter how many times she changed it, my answer was no. Until she finally agreed to the settlement. I think in her mind it was a way to let go and "move forward." I suspect your H is having the same struggle because once he agrees, that's it. And once he agrees, he loses control and his greed. He loses his "anger dumping ground." He doesn't appear ready to let that go so it may be up to you to cut that ability and take that away. You don't deserve to be treated that way. You really don't.
This is the time to make sure that you look out for you and your family. Not him. He won't be happy regardless, I can tell you that. He could get everything and not be happy about it. So put that aside and fight for what you deserve from it. Because it's a negotiation you may have to ask for more than you'll get. Be mindful of that. That's how negotiation works: you ask for the sky, and give back the clouds to keep the rest. Don't be hesitant to ask for it. Don't be angry or spiteful about asking or even demanding. No emotion is needed for negotiation. In fact, the first one to get emotional about something loses it most often.
Don't be hesitant. You can always give stuff back later when it's yours to give
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
