Take the hits and keep moving forward.

[T1000]

Thanks for chiming in AS. I'm a bit confused by your advise.

Right now I would like to carry on the fight and live happily ever after with W.

I don't like when people call this a "fight" because it implies that it's you against your W. The very thing she doesn't want is for you to oppose her. DB'ing is all about laying down arms and leaving your W alone, give her time and space. You want her to feel you're both on the same side. No pressure. No opposition. NO FIGHTING.

The reason I call it a fight is since Sunday it has been a battle inside my head. I want her but don't know if I can live with what has happened. I'm fighting the urge to contact her, I'm fighting my feelings. I know it's not me versus her. It's me versus me.

some time together, casually or with the kids.

The ONLY time you do that is when you already have plans. "W, I'm taking the kids to the zoo Sunday at 10:00, you're welcome to join us if you wish." If she says no, then shrug your shoulders and GO ANYWAY. Text her a pic of the kids standing next to a giraffe or post some on FB. Do not ask her on dates, and do not predicate anything you're doing on whether she goes or not. Because that's pressure, and she doesn't want pressure.

I thought that with her pretty much saying she's wants in and even though I'm struggling with recent events I thought spending time together might help. I think it says in DR something about generally spending time together to connect.

It's as if I'm dealing with infidelity (but not so strictly speaking) but she is not responsible for my feelings. How would I even begin to deal with this as it's described in the book if she doesn't have to accept any of the ramifications to the way I feel?

Wow, I can scarcely believe I'm reading this!! You don't think your W is responsible for your feelings do you? If you do, then you are way down the codependency rabbit hole and you need to find your way out ASAP!! Two books for you- "Codependent No More" and "The Happiness Trap".

Yes and no.
I am ultimately responsible for my actions and therefore my feelings.
It's a fact if she hadn't slept with OM I wouldn't be feeling this way.
If I steal a guys car and he is angry would I not be responsible for the way he feels at all?

I tried Co-Dependance no more a few weeks ago. At the time I couldn't concentrate. It felt like I should be concentrating on other areas in my life.

Everyone tells me I need to not show her any of my hurt.

Right. In DR MWD talks about acting "as if". Here are a few of the 180 tips that talk about this:

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

The last few times W and I spoke it was about her thinking we should start again.
I told her I didn't know if I could get past her being with OM.
I told her I wanted space and time to get my head straight.
I don't understand how "Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them" applies here.


I thought recent events would have changed the playing field somewhat, maybe not.
Maybe my head is just too screwed up right now to get it.