Take the hits and keep moving forward.

[T1000]

Thanks for chiming in AS. I'm a bit confused by your advise.

Right now I would like to carry on the fight and live happily ever after with W.

I don't like when people call this a "fight" because it implies that it's you against your W. The very thing she doesn't want is for you to oppose her. DB'ing is all about laying down arms and leaving your W alone, give her time and space. You want her to feel you're both on the same side. No pressure. No opposition. NO FIGHTING.

The reason I call it a fight is since Sunday it has been a battle inside my head. I want her but don't know if I can live with what has happened. I'm fighting the urge to contact her, I'm fighting my feelings. I know it's not me versus her. It's me versus me.

some time together, casually or with the kids.

The ONLY time you do that is when you already have plans. "W, I'm taking the kids to the zoo Sunday at 10:00, you're welcome to join us if you wish." If she says no, then shrug your shoulders and GO ANYWAY. Text her a pic of the kids standing next to a giraffe or post some on FB. Do not ask her on dates, and do not predicate anything you're doing on whether she goes or not. Because that's pressure, and she doesn't want pressure.

I thought that with her pretty much saying she's wants in and even though I'm struggling with recent events I thought spending time together might help. I think it says in DR something about generally spending time together to connect.

It's as if I'm dealing with infidelity (but not so strictly speaking) but she is not responsible for my feelings. How would I even begin to deal with this as it's described in the book if she doesn't have to accept any of the ramifications to the way I feel?

Wow, I can scarcely believe I'm reading this!! You don't think your W is responsible for your feelings do you? If you do, then you are way down the codependency rabbit hole and you need to find your way out ASAP!! Two books for you- "Codependent No More" and "The Happiness Trap".

Yes and no.
I am ultimately responsible for my actions and therefore my feelings.
It's a fact if she hadn't slept with OM I wouldn't be feeling this way.
If I steal a guys car and he is angry would I not be responsible for the way he feels at all?

I tried Co-Dependance no more a few weeks ago. At the time I couldn't concentrate. It felt like I should be concentrating on other areas in my life.

Everyone tells me I need to not show her any of my hurt.

Right. In DR MWD talks about acting "as if". Here are a few of the 180 tips that talk about this:

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

The last few times W and I spoke it was about her thinking we should start again.
I told her I didn't know if I could get past her being with OM.
I told her I wanted space and time to get my head straight.
I don't understand how "Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them" applies here.


I thought recent events would have changed the playing field somewhat, maybe not.
Maybe my head is just too screwed up right now to get it.

[azguy]

Maybe my head is just too screwed up right now to get it.

No disrespect intended, but I think you _are_ quite emotional and very wound up about what you have found out. The person I see on here doesn't seem to be thinking in the same way as the T who was posting before you learned the info about the W and the OM. . . . and that's normal and okay.

What worries me is you are talking about what you should do next while you are in this state. Take some time. There is no hurry here. Think about how you felt before this, and what your goals were.

[T1000]

You are right I am very emotional and wound up.

I'm trying to find a way to deal with this that doesn't just include time.
Not much advice out there about infidelity during separation. I guess that because very few would see it as infidelity. Whether it is or not that's what it feels like because I never really let go.

I will try and leave it.
I get the feeling my W is going to start badgering me one way or the other and all I will have to say that I'm not over something that I shouldn't need to get over.

[Papa4Life]

It stll stings, huh, T1000? That's norm. It's gonna take time, although that's not what you want to hear.

The next time she brings it up, you should probably ask what brought her to that point and then listen and validate. She'll probably say she was confused, lonely, and most likely that she regrets it. Guys are scum, let's face it, so all of our WAWs probably have vultures circling around overhead, sensing vulnerability and weakness. This guy probably means next to nothing to her, which is good because it means she was probably thinking about how easy it would be to ditch him if and when she decided to be with you again, which seems like the realization that she's coming to through all of this.

After she's said her piece then you can say that you understand what she said and thank her for her honesty. Then make it clear that the boundary that you need to set to protect yourself and your kids is that, if you want to work on reconciling, she must agree not see this guy or have Rs with any other guys, and that you would like to eventually seek MC. An STD test might also be wise, but play it cool on that point. It might come across as sounding like a punishment, but, well, there you have it.

In the meantime, do what you have been doing: go to the gym, watch GoT, Dexter, Breaking Bad. Let her initiate contact and try to maintain distance.

Oh, I just remembered: you've got to be careful about starting off too quickly with running. Your lungs might be able to handle it, but your muscles and in particular your joints need time to build up strength. Do you have an iPhone or Android phone? If so, you can download a running app (I use Personal Running Trainer and I'm loving it) that will lay out a schedule that will help you work your way up gradually. You start out running for a minute then walking a few minutes and repeat that a few times, and gradually you run more and walk less until you are just running from start to finish. It's much better than just running until you almost collapse, because that puts you on a fast track to runner's knee, which will require you to rest for a week and by the time you're done recuperating you'll probably have already lost interest. At any rate, I've been running for 3 months now and I can comfortably run 30 minutes at a stretch and I'm working on the 10k program now. That despite the fact that I had such pain in my knee after the first couple of weeks of going it alone that I had to see a PT to make sure I hadn't torn a ligament or something. She said what I just said: build up slooowly, take 48 hours between runs, and try not to do too much.

Hope this helps!

[T1000]

In a way it makes it harder if he meant nothing to her. The fact that she could have sex with someone she didn't care about bothers me.

I agree on the boundary regarding OM. The STD thing is tricky to bring up but extremely important whether it's punishment or not.

With the running I just thought the longer I run the more I'm filling up my time. I will pace myself next time. I have been looking at different routes to make sure I get back it a comfortable distance.

[T1000]

W phoned me before. She has scraped someone else's car (garage owner, car for sale). Asked me about the car insurance. I told her what she needed to know. End of conversation.


1 hour later I get a text:
Hi. just letting you know nursery fees for the boys have gone up by £160 per year and I now have to pay £25 to the council for rent a month and my benefits have been reduced so I don't have enough money to cover it. We are gonna have to look at how much you give me in order to cover my outgoings.
End of text.

Seeing as I'm in a very emotional state right now I could do with someone advising on how I should respond.

Legally I don't have to do anything. My L said that I don't have to pay her spousal maintenance. I give her 300 per month plus pay her car insurance 45 per month.
If she went to the CSA they would make me pay 342 per month but I could just cancel the car insurance so it's not in her best interest but she doesn't know this AFAIK The car insurance for her would be about 100.

Financially I cannot afford to give anymore. I'm in debt, in my overdraft and just get by on what I have left.
She has a gym membership. She has been decorating her bathroom and the kids room and with new fixtures and fittings.

What do I say??

I want to say:
I cannot afford to pay anymore than I am doing already.

I could add:
I cannot afford to pay anymore than I am doing already. I am looking into remortgaging the house. If I do I might be able to help a little.

I feel that she will respond negatively for obvious reasons. Threaten CSA etc.
I would like to point out that she shouldn't be redecorating her house if she can't afford but that will really antagonize her.
Last we spoke she was going away this weekend by train for a night out. That means train fare, hotel, spending money.

Whats my move?

[Fartiltre]

Hi T

I would love to be able to give you some strong advice on this one. I fear that tonight me and W will have the same discussion and I simply don’t know how to handle it (You can read it in my thread).

If I had to decide now I would text her:
"I understand and I would like to help you, but I am not able to do so. I have already cut my spending’s and I can't afford to pay any more than I am doing at the moment."


I would also consider telling her that this subject isn’t meant to be settlet by texts. (Just my opinion)

I am sorry I can’t help you anymore on this one, but hopefully a VET will drop by your thread!

I am glad to read that you are coming around on your sit!

[T1000]

Thanks Fatiltre

Your:
"I understand and I would like to help you, but I am not able to do so. I have already cut my spending’s and I can't afford to pay any more than I am doing at the moment."

Is better than what I wrote.

Unless I get anymore advice here, I think I will go with:
"I understand and I would like to help you, but I am not able to do so. My spending is very tight and I can't afford to pay any more than I am doing at the moment."

I see her for 10 mins on a Friday and an hour maybe on a Sunday. Not a lot of time to talk about things.

[T1000]

I sent this:
T1000: I understand and I would like to help you, but I am not able to do so. My spending is very tight and I can't afford to pay any more than I am doing at the moment.
16:24, Wife: Did you get your Dad to write that text for you?!!! Lol

Well you can afford to go to take your lessons each week and join a gym so your spending cant be as tight as you make it out to be. A roof, food, clothing, heating, electricity and an education is what your kids need.

I should have changed the wording a it more because it didn't sound like me.
She's talking about my Martial Art lessons. I don't do it every week but nearly. I haven't joined a gym yet. She must have heard or seen something about me going to the gym on my Facebook. I went once.
She is trying to guilt me with the roof/education speech.

She is a member of a gym.
She has been decorating her house, two rooms, one of them she got a painter in to do it. Got new things for both rooms.
She is going out at the weekend which includes train fare, hotel and spending money.
I know she has had quite a few nights out recently and that includes new clothes.
She is quite often taking the kids out to eat. I wish i could afford to do that so often.

I think my reply should be if you want to discuss this we should do it over the phone or when we see each other in person.

How should I respond?
She seems to think I have to break my life down to the bare minimum to suit her needs. I want to express all the above but it will antagonize her. Do I bring them up and justify my spending?

Help!!

[jp787]

[/i] what your kids need.[/i]

I find this interesting, not our kids, but your kids.