Last night was interesting. Went and got the prescription filled for Celexa and on our walk with the dog she talked about all the feedback she has heard from people that used a low-dose to "get over the hump" for a few months. I listened and at the end, I asked if she wanted my opinion (instead of just giving it). She said sure and I told her (basically, that I thought it was worth a try).
At dinner things were going ok, then she mentioned a Coach purse she saw. I said Mother's Day is coming up, then tried to joke that I was relieved because gifts aren't one of her 5 LLs. She looked at me and said that she was really annoyed by that comment. I asked why and she said she didn't know, she just was. I dropped it but later, asked her to help me understand what I said wrong. She said that the fact that I am talking about 5LL's and acting like I am some expert just bugged her. She couldn't really articulate it, but I think it is more that therapy is supposed to be therapy, and I am talking about it too much. Point heard and understood! No R talk tonight!
Also, no wine last night. She consumed a lot Friday and Saturday visiting friends and going out. She needs to "dry out" so I need to forget about it for tonight as well.
She didn't tell me if she decided to take the Celexa or not and I am not going to ask. She knows my thoughts.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
One other thing. Over the weekend I finished reading Fireproof. I really liked it and found it inspirational for what I (many of us) are going through. A bit hokey in the end, but still a positive message. However, for my next book I decided to not do a relationship related book and instead am reading Down River, a mystery book my wife read and raved about. I realized that I am reading Fireproof, I am still reading Gottman's 7 principals, we are going through counseling, and I am on here a lot. In essence, I am totally immersed in this and that is translating through to being too immersed in it with her.
So, I ordered a different book style and that has been pretty fun reading something else.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
I know you know better and I think that the feedback you got from your wife was really good.
Unless they are open to it and actually asking for this type of feedback, people generally don't like feedback that somehow suggests there is something wrong with them.
Your W is likely getting a sense that you are both monitoring her AND "diagnosing" her. Which of course, is true. That's fairly common theme I think, when we recommend to LBS to have no R talk.
Until... the LBS can learn the difficult art of listening.
Focus on yourself and keep listening and your W will slowly believe that you are not analysing her and... in her mind... judging her...
I think you are spot-on. My W knows that I am a very focused guy when I put my mind to something and the concept that I am applying that focus in ways she doesn't know, probably makes her feel manipulated, in addition to judged and analyzed.
The problem is when you fell you are getting pulled into the swirling sea, it is hard to see anything but water. Which is why I am reading a mystery.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
She said that the fact that I am talking about 5LL's and acting like I am some expert just bugged her.
I too made comments to W about relationship stuff I was reading early in our sitch. Why wouldn't I? We always shared everything between us, no secrets.
Well, she pretty much said the same as your W... "Just cuz you read something in a book doesn't mean it's going to work". and "Great, maybe that'll help you in your next relationship".
So yeah, like you, I also learned it's best to keep the "How we can fix things" talks to myself. She's done, remember? (for now, anyways)
Our job is to apply no pressure.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
For me, this was something that we learned together in therapy and I thought we had a shared appreciation. But, I understand the point about keeping it to yourself.
Unfortunately, we had a death in the family so we need to head out of town for two days for the funeral and will miss our therapy session Thursday and no other openings tomorrow or Friday. So, I will keep my yap shut and work on me in the meantime...
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
My condolences to you and your family. Please travel safely.
Smart man, i.e., working on you while away.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Last night was good. Came home and W made a delicious new healthy recipe. Went for an extra long dog walk and ended the day with a glass of wine. She talked a lot about moving to new town and I affirmed. I made a point of no R talk, nor did I ask her if she started on the Celexa. She will tell me when she is ready, or tell therapist when we are at therapy Monday.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Really good couple days. The funeral was a very nice rememberance of a great man. We stayed with my sister and her H and kids and had a nice time reconnecting (they live 5 hours away and know nothing of our sitch). Only first day bummer was wife was listening with headphones and reading along on her kindle so she might as well have been sitting in back. We stopped after 2 hours and I asked her if she was going to be on for the rest of the trip. She said she was almost done with the book and it is at the good part. It ended after an hour more, but I was pretty annoyed in the meantime (understand, she will say "Oh my god", or laugh, or gasp and cover her mouth while reading, and I have no idea what is going on).
But, she did hold my hand and put her hand on the back of my neck in the car (this is rare). Then yesterday we stopped in XYZ City en route home, she did some shopping, and we had a nice lunch at a burger place she "found on the internet" but I know is co-owned by tat-boy's old employer. That is a weird thing, because she is referencing things that I know she is seeing on his FB pages (because I go to them still, sorry guys) but it is like she is trying to bring me into that world. I think I am cool with it, but still working through it.
On the way home, kids had headphones on watching movies, so we were able to talk for a couple straight hours and it was great. I tried to always ask more questions and affirm and did pretty well. I did mention that I was happy that she ordered another mystery book yesterday and she didn't love that comment. I said I was just being honest and it led to a healthy discussion of why I said that, and to me asking her what I could do to help fulfill her fantasy (my therapist suggested this to me in one-on-one). I didn't mention tat-boy, the pictures I found, etc. just stayed focused on the books. She said it wasn't a fantasy as much as a genre she liked and Amazon kept suggesting related books. She said she didn't have any suggestions but would think about it.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
When she was on her girl's trip last weekend, I worked REALLY hard around the house, especially Sunday. She hadn't said much but during our ride yesterday made a point of saying how much she had noticed that and how nice it was. She was very specific on the things she noticed and I was surprised at the thought she had put into that. I really appreciated that and let her know.
Also, I made a point of making sure she got a sitter for Saturday night so we could go out for a nice dinner together. She did and what I was really pleased about is that there is a really fun music fest in our town this weekend and I know her best friend wanted the four of us to go together. She didn't even bring it up and said how excited she is for dinner together.
Two things I am really happy about. Manage expectations, manage expectations, manage expectations...
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
