Right now I would like to carry on the fight and live happily ever after with W.
I don't like when people call this a "fight" because it implies that it's you against your W. The very thing she doesn't want is for you to oppose her. DB'ing is all about laying down arms and leaving your W alone, give her time and space. You want her to feel you're both on the same side. No pressure. No opposition. NO FIGHTING.
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Even though it still stings I feel like asking her is she wants to spend some time together, casually or with the kids.
The ONLY time you do that is when you already have plans. "W, I'm taking the kids to the zoo Sunday at 10:00, you're welcome to join us if you wish." If she says no, then shrug your shoulders and GO ANYWAY. Text her a pic of the kids standing next to a giraffe or post some on FB. Do not ask her on dates, and do not predicate anything you're doing on whether she goes or not. Because that's pressure, and she doesn't want pressure.
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It's as if I'm dealing with infidelity (but not so strictly speaking) but she is not responsible for my feelings. How would I even begin to deal with this as it's described in the book if she doesn't have to accept any of the ramifications to the way I feel?
Wow, I can scarcely believe I'm reading this!! You don't think your W is responsible for your feelings do you? If you do, then you are way down the codependency rabbit hole and you need to find your way out ASAP!! Two books for you- "Codependent No More" and "The Happiness Trap".
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Everyone tells me I need to not show her any of my hurt.
Right. In DR MWD talks about acting "as if". Here are a few of the 180 tips that talk about this:
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
