A New Me 2

[jp787]

IDK if posting the emails would be helpful or just let it go, idk.

Tonight I want to do something outside. I think I will see if either D wants to go do something, if not I will either go on a walk or bike ride.

[AnotherStander]

Sent W an email that said how I have been seeing more of how I was in the past and why I was that way, not saying I was changing, just that I was becoming more aware and apologized for it. I wasn't sure if I should have done, that, but I did.

Probably not helpful for your sitch, I think the WAS just looks as these things as kind of a sad and pathetic move on the LBS's part. I did the same thing pretty early on in my sitch and got a response similar to yours. W basically told me it was great I had figured that out, she wanted me to be happy and wished me the best. All very PC.

Right now I am on two different AD and anti anxiety.

Are you taking a benzo for anxiety? If so, then only take it when you need it. They are very addictive. I was on them and really didn't like taking them because they messed up my head. I only took them if I had a bad anxiety attack.

It all seems really strange to me now because I've been off the A/D's for over 2 months and haven't had an anxiety attack for... 6 months +/-. Looking back I can't believe I went through all that, it seems so alien to me. I really wasn't myself back then. Now I feel like the old me, the me from well before BD when I was content in life and not stressing all the time about my job or whatever. Little to no anxiety, no depression, happy and content. All of that misery seems like a terrible dream.

I just share that so you know that these meds are probably just temporary. You are in what the doc's call "situational depression". Once your "new normal" is established then you will probably come out of it and can taper off the med's.

[Positivespin]

Tonight I want to do something outside. I think I will see if either D wants to go do something, if not I will either go on a walk or bike ride.[/quote]


AWESOME!!!!!!

Now remember if your daughter says no - ITS OK!!!!!
just keep asking / involving every day

but more importantly.....YOU DO IT ANYWAY

[uRworthy]

No need to post the emails, JP unless you feel it would be helpful.

I think that is enough contact with your w right now. SHe is not really in the right mindset to receive what you are saying. And so, any response from her is probably not going to be what you want.

Good for you for doing something outside. I am going on a bike ride.

Keep going, J. One step at a time.

[jp787]

OK, so I am working on trying to remember my childhood, what things were said to me that were negative by my mother. The problem is I can't remember much if anything. Has anyone ever found a way to remember their past when they don't have the best memories of childhood?

[uRworthy]

J, I hear you on that. I had a horrific childhood and dont remember a lot of it. I think that is a good thing in a lot of ways because I remember plenty that I wish I could forget.

I know money is tight. My sis went for EMDR therapy and it really helped her remember her past and find new ways to deal with it.

I have a great therapist who has helped me remember some.

I know you want to find out what brought you to who you are today.

And that's a good thing. But the most important thing for you to know is that you are ok.

You are not a bad person. You did not mean to hurt anyone with your words or actions. You were just broken. You did not know better.

Now you do. And so you can do better.

It takes work and perserverance and courage to do it.

The way to feel good about yourself is to change into someone you can be proud of.

And you are changing, J.

I can see it. You are reaching out and posting to people. You are looking inside. You are changing your relationship with your daughters.

All good things.

You just keep moving forward. Keep working on becoming the person you were meant to be.

You are ok, J. Really and truly.

[Positivespin]

JP,

.....and what did you do outside yesterday? Did daughter join you?

[jp787]

One D suntanned and one did HW. I worked more in the yard and swapping out summer and winter items.
Went to Sams, got fish and chicken in bulk and cooked it all for the next week or so.

[JuneReN]

What time is supper?
Shall I bring red or white?

[jp787]

Now that I don't have to wonder when W will be home, dinner is when I make it ;-) and I prefer red myself.
I have gotten back into cooking, I do enjoy it. Too bad it can be so expensive!
I was raised by all women, so I'm a shopper and bargain hunter (wow that sounds sexist!) I shop for the deals ;-)
Too bad the kids don't like to experiment with more foods...