Quote: I guess I will go ahead and let him dismiss the divorce. Do you think I am making a mistake?
What do you want? If you want the marriage to work then I would say yes dismiss it.
Let me ask you this, what purpose does it serve to have it sitting out there now? I am NOT familiar at all with TX law, but is all you lose by dismissing it your filing fee and part of the A's retainer fee?
I mean if you decide later you want the D, have you lost anything other than the time you give to trying to make your marriage work and the money you have spent?
Cal asked me very early on when I was mentioning money, she said if I told you if you paid me $5000.00 right now and I could save your marriage she said I bet that $5000.00 wouldn't mean anything to you and somehow, someway you would find it to pay me.
She was absolutely right and ever since then that has put this whole thing in much more perspective for me.
But I am on the other side here and not sure my advice is the best to follow. Plus I don't know if in TX there are other legalities involved in keeping the D case on the books or being the one who files or anything like that, in IN all it means being the one that files is you are the one pays the filing fee and you are the one in charge of the timing of the D. But it doesn't affect the settlement at all.
Plus there is the fact of what dismissing it would say to your H, like I am committed to making this marriage work. Just a thought.
Last edited by psluke; 03/31/0410:42 PM.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
My motion to dismiss was filed March 12 and the judge will sign it on the 7th. I'm still scared that my H won't let it go through, but another att told me that once it is filed it is pretty much a done deal. But still wasn't sure and will be glad when it's over.
What are you saying?! I think letting it go through says you want to make this M work, otherwise it is saying you are throwing in the towel!
You can always refile. I think you are just getting the last minute jitters. It is costing me $175 to get mine dismissed! Plus I still owe the att over $2000!
{{{{opt}}}}
I think this is great news! Now is your chance to really work on your M without a D hanging over your head!
Well, my friends, it seems we are getting to the end of a bright green morning. I do not exactly know if I just blew it or it is that I reached the limit or what.
My SIL leaves today with her partner. My H is going to take them to the airport. The two of them have 4 suitcases and they will not fit in my H's Mini (which seats 4 only if two have no legs and has no storage space to speak of), so two days ago I told my H he could take my SUV to drive them. Of course, since I had to come to work, that meant H would have had to drive my car to his office...
Well, this morning H had an elaborate plan to borrow a car from someone else and take them to the airport simply because he did not want to take my car to his office. His take is that he does not want to do it because I only offered it in an attempt to control him.
I cannot deny that I had gotten a thrill out of the idea of H driving my car to the office, and the wh*re seeing him in it, but I did not offer the car to control H. It was just the normal thing to do: one car is big, the other small... seems a no brainer to me. But he could not do it because he thinks I offered it to control him...
Anyway, I just suddenly became so tired of trying to explain myself and of walking on eggshells... He does not want to fire her and asked for 2 weeks: I gave him 13 months. He does not want to have my picture in his office while the wh*re plasters hers with pictures of the two of them, and I swallowed it; he does not want me involved in his finances and I've waited and let the wh*re control that also; I have waited and waited and I get accused of control for anything.
I told him that it was OK, that we had both tried. And we have. He has tried very, very hard and I appreciate his effort. I told him so, when he asked me if his effort had been in vain. It has not; it has helped me heal and understand, and feel valuable and me again. But he does not seem to understand what I need to finally heal; he sees my efforts as an attempt at control when it is only a cry for some measure of recognition, an attempt to get part of the floor back under my feet.
Anyway, he said he was leaving tonight and then told me I could take his car and he'd take mine... but that WOULD have been an attempt at control. "Do what I want or get out of the R." So I just took my car and left for work. I thanked him for his effort and I told him ILY.
I am not bitter or jealous or even sad. We both have really tried. I just cannot keep trying any more. It is time to accept that he needs something I cannot give him and he cannot give me what I need. We both forgot our R was the priority, and paid for it. He made a huge mistake and has been very strong, and courageous to try and fix it. And without his help I'd probably be a nervous wreck today. He has shown that he loves me, in his own way, and he is sorry. But he cannot betray who he is and I cannot deny what I need. An attempt by either or us to do so would only result in disaster.
We will talk tonight about how to speak to D. She is the only loser in this mess. But we both love her very much and will do our best to make up for it.
Thank you so much my friends, for all your help and advice.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
The bb is in a down cycle, things are going nuts. You and H have had company, I don't care how much you like them and how well you know them that is an additional stress in the household.
It is like the car was the final straw for both of you, but I'm wondering if there aren't a lot of other factors at work here.
You were debating what to do about your d on file and I don't recall seeing what you did decide.
He is aware I'm sure that it is still on file.
He is stressing over job changes and how the heck to manage his feelings and conflict avoidance and get rid of ow.
Plus there is all the working on an R stress that everyone else here in piecing went through when they first started rebuilding their R.
I just think there are a lot of other factors at work and both of you sound like you just let being tired and irratible get the better of you this morning.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Thanks Deb for your support. It is really nice of you to drop by with all you are going through.
Pam, your points are well taken. And you are right in most things. But the stress only forced things in the open that had been suppressed. It did not create them.
CHL, that is a really tough question. I do not know. I cannot and should not force or manipulate my H into doing something he does not want to do, regardless of how much I want him to do it. And I do not have it in me to live in this situation any longer. He resents me and is angry at me for what he perceives as attempts at control. They are not. So I am removing myself from the equation. I just need some peace. Some closure.
I cannot blame him for this. He tried very hard, as hard as he can. I have no right to expect more from him that he can give me. The tragedy for the three of us is that I do need more...
Right now I will finish work and go home, plant a little in my garden and wait for his call. Then we will talk, I hope.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Plus I don't know if in TX there are other legalities involved in keeping the D case on the books or being the one who files or anything like that, in IN all it means being the one that files is you are the one pays the filing fee and you are the one in charge of the timing of the D. But it doesn't affect the settlement at all.
I think you are just getting the last minute jitters. It is costing me $175 to get mine dismissed! Plus I still owe the att over $2000!