DBing European Style, part 2

[Papa4Life]

Hi guys, thanks for responding. I appreciate your feedback!

I like your last post and I hope all the best for you regarding the mediator meeting. I am not there yet but I already fears it. It will break my heart and I hope to find your strength before it comes to that!

I also think that your sit is quite new compared to how much you have moved...and you can take that as a compliment!

Fartlitre, trust me when I say that if I can do this, YOU can do this. It has taken quite a bit of soul searching and learning from my mistakes to get to this point.

I appreciate your encouraging words. If I've improved at all over these past weeks and months, it is due in large part to the encouragement and feedback I get on these boards. So thanks!!

we all have backslides! Some greater than others I made all the classic mistakes too. One benefit we get from making mistakes is we more clearly see what DOESN'T work

Well then, I have certainly got a good grasp on that now!

Real PMA is MUCH more effective than faking it!

Ain't that the truth. I think that WASs can smell faking it from a mile away

Only she can change her mind, and only time can get her there. There's nothing we can do to speed the process up. We just have to get out of their way and work on ourselves.

Thanks for reinforcing a realization that I've only just recently arrived at. I'm just gonna get out of her way and let her do the work she needs to do.

AnotherStander is my role model, and I'm going to try to emulate him and even think about what he would do

Thank you, that's very kind

I meant every word of it. You've given me so much good advice and encouragement and I appreciate it immensely.

She doesn't mean right after does she? I hope she at least gives it a few days so it doesn't spoil his moment!

No, I think she's planning to tell the kids at the end of May, just before I leave for my visit to the States. We..well, she..planned it that way to make S10's b-day a happy one.

I can even feel sympathy for W in what she's been going through. I could never have said that before, I was too hurt, sad, and scared to even consider her pain -- heck *I* was the victim here, right? Well now I realize that this cuts both ways.

Great, that's a good place to be! If you can respect and acknowledge what your W is going through it puts you in a better position to honestly validate her feelings when she opens up.

I agree with you on this one, and it has been a revelation for me. Plus it's somewhat empowering, because I can look at this situation as something other than something that W is doing to me. She's got her stuff to deal with and I'm just going to get out of her way and let her consider the decision she's about to make.

[Papa4Life]

S.O.S.! Mayday! Could use some tips here.

We're going for our first meeting with the mediator tomorrow. I'm wondering what I should say. I suppose we're going to have to lay out what our intentions are and what our plans our for the future. Should I just lay everything out there? Or should I still try to be mysterious? I can't imagine that this whole thing will be resolved in less than a few visits, but I don't want to make it any easier for W to slip away.

I guess going by what I've been telling everybody else on the boards lately, I'll probably just o along with it and not put up a fight. W still seems willing to split everything right down the middle and work on co-parenting. Any tips, hints, or feedback?

W came down to ask about the gift we're going to get for S10 s b-day. She then asked about my trip to the States at the end of the month. She asked if I was really just going to visit family or if I was planning on making preparations to stay their indefinitely. I validated her feelings and thanked her for working with me to make this visit possible, and I told her that I really needed to see my friends and family and that I want to co-parent with her to raise our kids to be healthy amd happy. She seems oddly chatty tonight, which is nice, although it's only been a few things here and there, not what you'd call loquaicious by any means. And of course I'm sure by tomorrow she'll be back to being reserved with words.

Anyway, wish me luck and lemme know any advice you can gove! Tx

[longrun]

What about considering your core aims after a (potential) divorce, let's say the minimum time you would like to see the kids, financial arrangements etc. and try to realize them in the talk with the mediator? As long as those basics are ok just go along with anything your W brings up. I imagine it could be a smooth session.

[Papa4Life]

Thanks, longrun. W and I have discussed this in the past, including with our financial advisor, and we've agreed (at that time at least) that we wanted to split time with the kids 50/50. She also knows that she'll probably have to pay me some type of support since we decided that she would focus more on career and I would do more on the childrearinf side, although I do okay with my translation work. Her career has advanced more quickly because of the time she's had to focus on work while I had to make more...adjustments...to my work schedule. Barring that though, I think we see eye to eye on just about everything else.

And now for the requisite DBers lament: I just wish it hadn't come to this point and I hope she has at least a partial change of heart before D-day. Blah-blah-blah. Bring it on. I'm ready to embrace the future, come what may.

[longrun]

I just wish it hadn't come to this point

I can hear you. Ain't it crazy? Actually our situation has a number of similarities - I also was a stay-at-home-dad for some (too much) time, we also have twins though first kids in my case and last ones for you.

You know - it ain't over 'til you declare it to be over. Divorce is just a legal act documented on some paper. Nobody forbids you to go on DBing after D, to the contrary. Maybe you have seen Crimson's thread. He is long past D - and now piecing.

[Papa4Life]

In the mediator's waiting room. I'm feeling pretty positive, I must say. W got ticked off at S10 and I because apparently she called to say she wanted to leave earlier, but S garbled the message. I remained cool.

[Fartiltre]

I am pulling for you - all that I can!

Best of luck!!

[T1000]

Good luck P!

[Jeack]

How'd it go for you?

[Fartiltre]

Hi P4L

How did mediator come out?
I have sent you my best thoughts a lot of times.