Beginning and end of a bright green morning

[optimist]

Well, my friends, it seems we are getting to the end of a bright green morning. I do not exactly know if I just blew it or it is that I reached the limit or what.

My SIL leaves today with her partner. My H is going to take them to the airport. The two of them have 4 suitcases and they will not fit in my H's Mini (which seats 4 only if two have no legs and has no storage space to speak of), so two days ago I told my H he could take my SUV to drive them. Of course, since I had to come to work, that meant H would have had to drive my car to his office...

Well, this morning H had an elaborate plan to borrow a car from someone else and take them to the airport simply because he did not want to take my car to his office. His take is that he does not want to do it because I only offered it in an attempt to control him.

I cannot deny that I had gotten a thrill out of the idea of H driving my car to the office, and the wh*re seeing him in it, but I did not offer the car to control H. It was just the normal thing to do: one car is big, the other small... seems a no brainer to me. But he could not do it because he thinks I offered it to control him...

Anyway, I just suddenly became so tired of trying to explain myself and of walking on eggshells... He does not want to fire her and asked for 2 weeks: I gave him 13 months. He does not want to have my picture in his office while the wh*re plasters hers with pictures of the two of them, and I swallowed it; he does not want me involved in his finances and I've waited and let the wh*re control that also; I have waited and waited and I get accused of control for anything.

I told him that it was OK, that we had both tried. And we have. He has tried very, very hard and I appreciate his effort. I told him so, when he asked me if his effort had been in vain. It has not; it has helped me heal and understand, and feel valuable and me again. But he does not seem to understand what I need to finally heal; he sees my efforts as an attempt at control when it is only a cry for some measure of recognition, an attempt to get part of the floor back under my feet.

Anyway, he said he was leaving tonight and then told me I could take his car and he'd take mine... but that WOULD have been an attempt at control. "Do what I want or get out of the R." So I just took my car and left for work. I thanked him for his effort and I told him ILY.

I am not bitter or jealous or even sad. We both have really tried. I just cannot keep trying any more. It is time to accept that he needs something I cannot give him and he cannot give me what I need. We both forgot our R was the priority, and paid for it. He made a huge mistake and has been very strong, and courageous to try and fix it. And without his help I'd probably be a nervous wreck today. He has shown that he loves me, in his own way, and he is sorry. But he cannot betray who he is and I cannot deny what I need. An attempt by either or us to do so would only result in disaster.

We will talk tonight about how to speak to D. She is the only loser in this mess. But we both love her very much and will do our best to make up for it.

Thank you so much my friends, for all your help and advice.