Sizing up the task ahead!

[mrtwopointfour]

Hi twopointfour, I'm no sandi, but I can tell you that you really do need to detach more. I know it's hard, and jeez I struggle with it too, but it is absolutely essential. Now, I've got a couple of things to say here, which I hope you'll take in the constructive sense that they're intended. Here goes:

Every time we say "but my sitch is different", or "I'm doing my best but I don't think it works for me" or, yes, "I'm worried about the kids", we know that deep down what we're really saying is "I'm scared, I'm lonely, and I just want my W back so I'm gonna do what feels right, even though I can see that it's not working and all the veterans are telling me that I'm deluding myself into thinking that that ever will work".

There's no getting around the fact that all of us are in perhaps the most difficult, most gut-wrenching situation we've ever experienced. And what our hearts tell us to do is "fight!" But that just won't work. Instead what we need to do, as you've heard it said a million times, is focus on you! You MUST stop pursuing and start detaching. As I've been telling lots of other DBers lately, constantly reminding W that you want her back is like giving her a safety net that lets her go out and take chances, all the while knowing that you'll be there to catch her if she falls. At least, that is, until she feels confident enough with her new trick to perform it without a net, with all the peril that entails. If you deny her that safety net by detaching, taking the pressure off of her, focussing on you, you force her to really think about the step off the cliff she's about to take. She's got to have space to realize the consequences of the actions she's considering taking.

Try to think about the ways you've been fooling yourself about DBing and your efforts in applying them. I think you'll find that there are plenty of things to improve and you'll understand why it's important to listen to what the vets say to you on these boards.

Stay positive, 2.4. And be patient.

Wow Papa4life - that's a great post. You are a DBing Jedi now! Great to hear you talking this way, and certainly what I need reminding as I am sure we all do.

Its all too easy to fall back into pursuit even if its unintentional, by simply being over helpful and supportive. I am falling into this trap all the time, and lets say the helping arm stretching out is more holding the hand of W at some points.

I need to dim it down a bit. I think its the threat of her trip away which is making me panic and want results. The fact is I have some. Even if she still makes snide comments and only yesterday told me she does not want to be married to me.

We are planning a vacation - this was never on the books before. And she will allow me to give her a hug and cuddle when she is down, which was a no go before. Not sure if this is right, but sometimes its for me just as much as her.