Make the solid agreement and put it in a joint google/icloud calendar or write it all on a calendar at the house.
On your night off just make sure your busy. I would expect her to do whatever she wants if you are home. It is difficult to be home but not looking after the kids, your seen as home so why can't she go out.
I found that when my wife went out with friends I looked after the kids and that was that. If I said in advance that I wanted to play a new game on a particular night I was still home so it didn't get the same attention as being out.
Obviously your not in that position right now. Nothing to stop you standing your ground, tell her your going to lie in the bath for 4 hours watching T.J. Hooker reruns on your laptop with headphones on. Just because you choose to stay home that doesn't mean your the in-house child minder to suit her social life (Although I wouldn't say that ).
It would be better if you went out and she thought you had a life outside the house.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Great advce, T1000. I have been quite active lately, and what has been great is that, by spending time with other people, you get invitations and suggestions for other activities. So I think pretty soon I'm going to sign up for a photography class and maybe piano lesson. That's going to be a great way to GAL and improve my PMA. Although soaking in a tub watching T.J. Hooker sounds pretty good too!
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Help, I need some advice. Tomorrow is W's b-day. She and the kids are away at a campground with MIL and FIL. I told W that I wouldn't be able to make it there because I've got a big project I have to finish up for work. W asked if I was coming and I said, sorry, no, I've got to get this work done. She responded, Oh well, I don't care, I'm just weking because of the kids.
In short, I'm really not going to be able to make it and I'm wondering if I should call or text to wish her a happy b-day. Thoughts? Advice?
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
I'd keep it cool. You are busy! I sent just an SMS to my wife's 50th birthday some weeks ago. She thanked me a lot for it, go figure. (Add me to the club DBing European style...)
Hi longrun, thanks for the feedback. I actually really am swimming in work at the moment, and that's a good thing. I think I will just text her. I mean, what do I have to say to her?
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Oh well, I don't care, I'm just weking because of the kids. In short, I'm really not going to be able to make it and I'm wondering if I should call or text to wish her a happy b-day. Thoughts? Advice?
Would she actually say that she doesn't care if she didn't care?
Could she be telling you why she asked you to go (for the kids) so it appears that your decision doesn't bother her.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Oh well, I don't care, I'm just weking because of the kids.
Whoops, typo. I meant to say I'm "wondering" because of the kids. It might seem mean to them if papa doesn't call mama to wish her a happy b-day.
Originally Posted By: T1000
Would she actually say that she doesn't care if she didn't care?
Could she be telling you why she asked you to go (for the kids) so it appears that your decision doesn't bother her.
That might be why she said it, I dunno. I can't imagine how my not coming to her b-day would be worse than sitting them down in a few weeks and telling them that we're getting a divorce, as she's planning for us to do. Hmm, maybe because when it's her choice she can reconcile it in her own mind but when I it's my decision then it's all about the repercussions.
Sorry, I'm venting. I'll suck it up and give her a quick call later.
Wonder if (suspected) OM will call. Sigh...
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
I don't know what it is, maybe just having time alone or the events of the past week or so, but I feel like things are finally coming clear for me about how DBing works and what W and I both are going through. I've also been reading through sandi2's old posts, and that has been a tremendous help in understanding what brought W to this point. I realize now that I made ALL of the classic mistakes, andI don't know (don't think) that I can turn things around anymore, and that's okay. I'm feeling better about muself having come as far as I have with regaining my independence and working on socializing and PMA and all that. My confidence levels are inching back upwards and I am looking towards the future with more confidence.
I don't know what it would take for W to change her mind, but I can't sit around worrying about that. AnotherStander is my role model, and I'm going to try to emulate him and even think about what he would do (or how other vets like sandi2, cadet, mrBond and others would respond) before I do anything rash. So thanks, guys. I absolutely appreciate all your feedback and tips.
I know that the whole mediator meeting is coming up and W wants to tell the kids about the D after S10s b-day celebrations are over. I will have a tough time with that, I'm sure, but at least I know I'll be able to focus on supporting them and being there for them to help get them through this with as little lasting pain as possible. But I won't be grieving for myself, because all of this has taught me that I can have my own life in this place and I can start afresh without W. I can even feel sympathy for W in what she's been going through. I could never have said that before, I was too hurt, sad, and scared to even consider her pain -- heck *I* was the victim here, right? Well now I realize that this cuts both ways.
Head up and chest out. That's the right way to greet the new day.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
I like your last post and I hope all the best for you regarding the mediator meeting. I am not there yet but I already fears it. It will break my heart and I hope to find your strength before it comes to that! I also think that your sit is quite new compared to how much you have moved...and you can take that as a compliment!
By the way: What is SBR in your sinature?
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
I realize now that I made ALL of the classic mistakes, andI don't know (don't think) that I can turn things around anymore, and that's okay.
You absolutely can, we all have backslides! Some greater than others I made all the classic mistakes too. One benefit we get from making mistakes is we more clearly see what DOESN'T work
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I'm feeling better about muself having come as far as I have with regaining my independence and working on socializing and PMA and all that. My confidence levels are inching back upwards and I am looking towards the future with more confidence.
Fantastic! Real PMA is MUCH more effective than faking it!
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I don't know what it would take for W to change her mind, but I can't sit around worrying about that.
Only she can change her mind, and only time can get her there. There's nothing we can do to speed the process up. We just have to get out of their way and work on ourselves.
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AnotherStander is my role model, and I'm going to try to emulate him and even think about what he would do
Thank you, that's very kind Regarding the birthday, I would definitely acknowledge it to your W in some way, a call would be better than a text I think. Birthdays (and Christmas) have always been a huge deal in my family. My W's bday fell not too long after BD and she was still at home, so I gave her a party and presents, not as big as "normal" but not small either. She enjoyed it, I doubt it helped the sitch but it didn't hurt it either. By Christmas she had been moved out quite a while and I wasn't planning on buying her anything. I talked to her about it and to my surprise, she had already bought me things. So we ended up exchanging gifts. Sandi's 180 tips say not to give gifts, so take that for what it's worth.
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W wants to tell the kids about the D after S10s b-day celebrations are over.
She doesn't mean right after does she? I hope she at least gives it a few days so it doesn't spoil his moment!
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I can even feel sympathy for W in what she's been going through. I could never have said that before, I was too hurt, sad, and scared to even consider her pain -- heck *I* was the victim here, right? Well now I realize that this cuts both ways.
Great, that's a good place to be! If you can respect and acknowledge what your W is going through it puts you in a better position to honestly validate her feelings when she opens up.
).