What should I do with all of my WAH's clothes hanging in the closet? I think he comes & takes some every once in a while when I am not home. It is depressing seeing them hanging there but I don't know if taking them down & boxing them up is the best DB thing to do for myself or him.
After my W moved out it was a "slow bleed" for weeks afterwards where she would take this or that on practically a daily basis. I finally told her enough was enough, I wanted her to get the rest of her crap out of the house at once so we could both move on. I offered to help but she didn't want help, so we set a date and she came and got the rest of it while I was at work.
AnotherStander u are incredibly kind to go thru my garbled post line by line & decipher it. It brings me out of the well reading your explanations & advice on all of this craziness that I am seeing, hearing & feeling. I am so amazed at the fortitude you have along with others that have gone out of their way to help me - that you have made it to such a place that you have a deep understanding of this insanity, and reach out to help me, a perfect stranger, from being so incredibly distraught to comforted by your words.
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
AnotherStander - Amazing how u can put into words what I only thought I could feel -"slow bleed" is exactly what it is like when I come home & notice a couple more of my WAHs things gone - no note, just gone. I think I will "lovingly" pack up at least his clothes still hanging in the closet & leave them by the door for his next suprise visit when I am not home.
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
It brings me out of the well reading your explanations & advice on all of this craziness that I am seeing, hearing & feeling.
I'm very glad to help That's the beauty of these forums is you don't hear from people who read it in a book and give you false sympathy for what they think you're going through, you hear from people that are right there next to you in the trenches going through all the same trials and tribulations. They may be ahead of you or even behind you on the timeline, but it helps to know you're not alone. It's still extremely painful to go through and often you'll feel terribly alone, but these forums can hopefully instill hope in you- hope that despite things seeming really bleak there IS still a chance you might reconcile in the future, and also hope that even if you never reconcile you do still have a great life ahead of you. There was a time when I thought "my marriage is about to go off of life support, maybe I shouldn't post here anymore" but I think it's just as important for people to hear stories like mine, where I am not just going to survive losing my W but will thrive and mostly likely go on to an even better life.
Originally Posted By: Tonkarider
I think I will "lovingly" pack up at least his clothes still hanging in the closet & leave them by the door for his next suprise visit when I am not home.
By all means, do it and then text or email him that you've packed up the rest of his stuff and would like for him to come get it. Then tell him you want him to respect your privacy and not just let himself in, but ask permission first and knock when he gets there. That may sound a little cold, but it's consistent with DB'ing in that you want to make him thing you're moving on in life whether with or without him. I did this and I also took down all the pics of W in the house. I didn't do it to spite her, I just couldn't stand seeing her stare back at me when she was gone. It helped me detach.
How long does it take to be able to care about anything again? I can make it to work & get the bare minimum done there (I am a geneticist, so long term experiments anyway) but at home I barely can do laundry, I barely eat & feed my dogs, I board my horse so all I have to do is show up & ride - barely do that, I have a mountain of mail that has just piled up since my WAH left with all kinds of bills & prob important stuff in that mountain but I just can't do it. I used to be Susie Homemaker & show my horse every weekend. I have only vacuumed once since he left (middle of April). Why am I paralyzed? He showed up at home a little while ago & cut the grass so I went out & pulled weeds & he said hi & I said hi & I went back inside. I didn't box up his clothes yet just because I feel like making a bonfire out of them instead so I figured I had better not deal with that right now. I had to take down the photos of him because every time I looked at them I thought how weird I don't know that person at all after 19 years. Thankfully no kids. The people on this board are kinder to me than someone I spent 19 years with - go figure.
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
Your insight is very valuable - I can barely take care of myself at this point & I def don't want to have any kind of R talk for fear of H mean mugging me & making me feel worse than I already do which is pretty bad. I think that will be on hold until I am stronger. So strange I feel I have been in this nightmare for months but I just looked at the date H left - April 13. I also feel badly because My parents live in Maryland (I am in NewYork) & I used to call them all the time but now I don't because I want to spare them my pain & I can't always hide it. I sent them some cards 4 their 60th Anniversary but I couldn't even call them because I am too upset. Do u know a way to reassure family & spare them pain when u are so upset & almost suicidal (on Cymbalta now - that & this board & GAL is helping) that you can't call without breaking down?
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
Well a million steps back now because why do I get sucked in to his texting? Why can't I keep my mouth shut? Why do I think he will be different & come running back if I say I miss him? What a disaster. Why don't I have any self control?
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
That's the beauty of these forums is you don't hear from people who read it in a book and give you false sympathy for what they think you're going through, you hear from people that are right there next to you in the trenches going through all the same trials and tribulations. They may be ahead of you or even behind you on the timeline, but it helps to know you're not alone. It's still extremely painful to go through and often you'll feel terribly alone, but these forums can hopefully instill hope in you- hope that despite things seeming really bleak there IS still a chance you might reconcile in the future, and also hope that even if you never reconcile you do still have a great life ahead of you. There was a time when I thought "my marriage is about to go off of life support, maybe I shouldn't post here anymore" but I think it's just as important for people to hear stories like mine, where I am not just going to survive losing my W but will thrive and mostly likely go on to an even better life.