If I am at the barn riding my horse I am almost alright because I have to concentrate on what I am doing so I don't get bucked off.
Same for me, except my horses are steel
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Right now at work I am sitting here almost unable to move or breathe I feel so weak. It is really difficult for me to imagine anyone else feeling this horrible
I went through it too. Then came the anxiety attacks. That was horrible! Because of the anxiety I couldn't even sit still. It was that whole "fight or flight" thing. I had months of super low productivity. It was very difficult to function.
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or having someone whom you trusted with your life just walk away.
Yes, everything you thought you knew about your life gets turned upside down and dumped out on the ground. It's very difficult to come to grips with. But you will! It takes a lot of time, but you will feel normal again I promise. This you right now is not the real you, it's a temporary you that's happened because of your circumstances. You will find the real you again.
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I have been working on myself since H dropped the bomb - I joined the gym, lost 25 lbs (in the last month so back to my "fighting weight"), got my nails done (first time since my wedding 15 years ago), made some close girlfriends (had become practically a hermit in the last 10 yrs), went back to riding my horse (stopped doing that after I had should surgery last year) - but here I am at work sobbing and feeling so hopeless.
That's perfectly fine, the GAL activities don't fix you overnight, that too takes time. Just stick with it! I had to drag myself out of the house kicking and screaming. Every fiber of my being said "don't do this, go back in the house and curl up in the corner feeling sorry for yourself." But I kept getting out, and slowly started enjoying life again. It happens a little at a time, so be patient and keep doing what you're doing. And by all means cry, try to do it in private but don't hold it back, let it out.
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You would think I would feel better
Not yet, it takes awhile, and everyone's pace is different.
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but he moved out early when I said I love u please don't leave and when I cried hysterically. H said he didn't have to watch "that". I am so confused.
It's not confusing because that is not what he wants right now, so when you say you want something different (IE, he wants to go, you want him to stay) then it puts pressure on him and drives him away. Stop all pressure! Give him time and space.
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I am sure something is wrong with me
We've all felt that way. It's a very painful, ugly place to be. Be patient with your H and with yourself.
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I don't have any kids so I just want to end it all
If this feeling doesn't pass soon or you start making a plan for ending things then get to a doctor ASAP. Many of us had to go on anti-depressants to get through the worst of it. I was on them about 3 months (weaned off of them a couple of months ago). You are very important, you don't feel like it right now but you are. We care about you. We want you to feel better. Take care of yourself!
