@ AS - I really appreciate your reassurance that it's normal to have ups and downs in feeling done. For me, I guess it only lasts for a little while for now. When the feeling lasts for an extended period of time I'll have a better gauge on things. Makes me think of WAH, how they have to totally dissect their feelings. It's feels hopeless they'll ever be turned back on.
I feel like I'm learning another definition of expectations now. Because I thought I was doing well monitoring my expectations because I wasn't waiting for H to respond in this way or that. But even waiting for movement in general is an expectation. So I'll need to continue working on that.
You're right, AS, the hope that is exhausting is most likely related to expectations too. I have hope for my family as a whole, especially for my kids. The picture of my/our future is still as a family unit. But I need to get to the place where I can be authentic in my actions regardless of any future outcome with H. I think I've accomplished a lot by resolving a lot of anger, by accepting what I cannot change, by not reacting to situations in anger and establishing friendship. But if this goes south, I will feel terribly used by H. My efforts to heal with him and our dds will help him in his goal of reconnecting with girls. But I'll get nothing out of it, except the satisfaction of knowing I did my best and learned to evolve. I need that to be enough...
@ IO - I like the idea of having a good reality be enough. How do you let go of what would be a better reality? Expectations again...
@ labug - Why do I feel I'm carrying all the hope for the family? I guess I'm assuming my vision of our family restored is mine alone. I want to be united in our M in the future. And I assume he doesn't want that now. It would be painful but easier to give up on the hope and dreams for my family. To move to acceptance and not have to worry about my interactions with H anymore. I would not continue a R or communication with him. I'd be friendly in regards to if I saw him at an event, but I would stop trying to promote a friendship R. It is exhausting... or maybe it's reality in the way that relationships take a lot of presence and conscience efforts and I didn't do that before. I'm just feeling the stress of the last year and feel it's all on my shoulders, including the hope of our family's future. If I played along with H we'd never speak and there'd be no hope at all.
I realized yesterday that my greatest fear in continuing as friends with H is being taken advantage of. What part of me does that speak to? I'm stumped on this - pride? abandonment? fear? I still don't know myself well enough to understand why that's the worst feeling for me.
