hey hi-

thanks for asking- i feel like total pos - thanks.

this h is enough to make me scream. am i expecting too much from h and life? do ya think?

he's gong around being perfectly pleasant- doing allll his chores- not picking or icky, buying me candy ???!!! . which only makes me feel like wtf. when he's terrible - i don't like him and it. when he's not i don't like him and it. i don't like hm thinking he's buying me off with a few stinking trinkets. now i know how pissed off the american indians probably were- who does this darn "white man" think he is , anyway?

this being all nicey-pooh? why the heck? it dirves me nuts a bit. he leave=s tomorow- . i know- what a strong strong man to "stand" my presence for seven whole days. i'm so insulted by him and this coming and going crappola - and the fact that i'm supposed to (i guess) kiss his feet for a stinking week out of a month- where he graces me with his presence?

idk dawn- what in the world is up with this all. i know , i know, me and the job. (i actually was called and worked yesterday as a substitute) felt like a total dud and got no "game" for wooing a bunch of kids. i like them- just got no strategy or talent with it all yet. it was soooo wierd to be doing something totally new and different - first time in about - what? 45 years!!! no wonder it was daunting. even the lingo is new - rooms are sooooo "cellar" ish compared to the architecturally nice school rooms we had as kids. it sure is a different world. everyone is roaming allover the place all the time- like a giant beehive. yikes!!!

anyway- i guess i'll try it til i either get good at it or find out i totally stink at it and slink away.

back to h - wtf and wtf??? i've managed NOT to say - you jack@$$ - get out of my face and never come here again. i can't believe he can think i do not have feelings (very very strong feelngs) about his treatment of me - the having a separta life down there including ow- etc. and i'm not supposed to , what? notice it? not supposed to notice i'm not welcome down in my life anymore unless i get his - what? permission? creeeeepy city here.

it drives me crazy and then i thnk of you wanting your h out- and i can't figure out if i'm crazy one here or what? so- do you think i overreact and should be happy he stays away?

am i supposed to be having some other strategy than acting like it's perfectly fine with me- which i'd think suits him to a T and he really is perfectly fine with it.

if it's just that this guy is soooooo cold and bold and "over" me- well, you see the problem, back to the whole round circle of insanity of just stinking go- why visit- why hang in there - etc etc etc.

not too detached at the moment. he tra las off leaving me lonely- bored and with my wackie mother to boot. he's alll "there" for his stupid friends. who do i call when i have a flat tire? that would be my butt thanks. hello , booty - could you give me a ride down town?

i'd better go do something useful before i work myself into an insane lather. i just hate him rite this minute- his stinking detachment. i hate to think of being like that- it's an awful type of person to be.\

eek