Carry On

[labug]

Thanks, grace.

I've been humbled this week. I've been all over the place emotionally. S20 continues to be a challenge. We thought the dog was dying last week, S24 comes home from school and then goes to Canada for the summer, H's birthday is this weekend...

I feel I'm losing my H again. There's the H who left 26 months ago (just realized the dates in my sig are wrong) and when he let I took all the blame. Being a fixer, I think I felt that if I took all the blame, then I could fix it all and the pieces of my world would come back together.

Not the way it works.

I did take my inventory and I have worked really hard to live the serenity prayer, improve my communication skills and do my best to live without judgment, blame or shame, give others the space to live their own lives. I know I'm a very different person than I was 25 months ago.

I still miss my husband.

But...

I now see our relationship and my H more realistically (this has happened in stages). Example: S20 has a serious illness, H has never asked me how S is doing, H has never asked me how I'm doing with living with this daily, H has never made a suggestion or asked a question about treatment, etc. Just like when we were together. The difference is, then I could ask for a hug and would get it.

So this is what happens when people with a hyperdeveloped sense of responsibility meet up with a more laissez-faire attitude-a control freak is created. I very clearly understand my role in this and now realize I should have stepped back but you live and learn.

Why this is coming up now? I see how much I've changed but H is still pretty much where he was when he left. He lives in the same 100 sg ft, he gets up, goes to work, comes home, goes to bed, he sees people on a very limited basis, he's involved in our sons' lives on a limited basis, doesn't go out, doesn't go to movies. He doesn't have to do yard work, there's very little maintenance or cleaning, his mom may be doing his laundry. Yep, pretty much the same guy. He is taking guitar lessons, something he's always wanted to do, so good for him.

But the same things that irritated me in the marriage are the very things that irritate me now. I now realize that I am in control of my reaction to those things but would I choose to live with that again?

So I guess I feel like I'm losing the guy I see with my more realistic viewpoint and I'm questioning why I'm sad. But I am sad because he's more than those things ^^^ but is it enough?

I'm going on a personal retreat this weekend. I'm lucky enough to live in a location where there are several facilities who offer rooms for retreats at very reasonable rates(if you have monasteries locally, check them out). I did this in 2009 and remember I spent most of the time crying and grieving. That was the year my mom died and also the year after the first BD. I was a mess, a rudderless boat. My retreat had no structure. This time I have a structure and I'm going to a different place so I won't be haunted by those memories.

This coincides with the week S24 will be home before he leaves for the summer. When I realized that, I almost canceled my plans but then thought better of it. He'll be hanging out with friends and probably won't even realize I'm not here. And that's OK. We'll take a hike, go out to dinner maybe a movie before I leave.

Life is different now.

Thanks for allowing me to ramble and work through this in my head.