Sorry I've been dark again, I went away for a few days...more on that in a minute.
My W told me on Wednesday that she had a horrible headache and wouldn't be coming over to talk. She didn't mention a new time to talk, and I didn't ask, so as not to pressure her.
I went away for the weekend, got back last night. Went to visit my sister and family. My brother was also there, which was great. The three of us hadn't been together since my wedding. It was a really nice weekend.
Another scenario that came up last Thursday. On Thursday night I was out at a sports thing. My phone rang and it was W. She said that D didn't want to stay with her that night, but, wanted to go to my house. I explained I wouldn't be home until later. W said if it was okay, shelf bring her to my house, get her read for bed and stay until I got home. I said sure thing.
When I got home D was just asleep. I was doig some things around the house and W came into the kitchen and asked how my day had been.. She also mentioned that I had changed the (our) bedroom around. I smiled and replied really good, how about yours? I then said, yes, I just felt like I needed to make it feel more like my own. She then told me it was okay she guessed...But had a weird look on her face and hesitated. I asked her if everything was okay. She told me she felt odd all day. I said that's not good, do you feel sick or what's going on? She the began to tell me how she has no idea who she is anymore or what will make her happy. That when she was in the house, she feels comfortable, and feels like its where she belongs. But she the tells herself she made the decision to leave and why. She then said she felt like she should feel more comfortable in her new place, and does at times, but doesn't other times. I asked her how it made her feel in her head and heart. She said it made her feel odd and confused. She the told me how it was the hardest decision of her life to "have to stop loving me" and did I think she had wanted to give up her life and be living in a small apartment? I told her I couldn't imagine how hard of a decision that was, and how painful. That I was sorry she felt she had to make it, but, I would help and support her anyway I could. I said that it has been nearly 2 months and if she wanted to we could start talking, I would listen to any/everything she has to say. That I was concerned for her, and why her heart and mind seemed conflicted. She then told me that we couldn't just start over again, that we'd be back in the same place in 6 months. I told her I wasn't asking/pressuring her to start over or commit. I reiterated that maybe we should just start with her talking and me listening, and us spending that time together over coffee, etc and we see how we do. She was crying and said she would start talking. But she said she couldn't commit to anything (meaning R) because she didn't know who she was anymore or what she wanted in life. That she wouldn't know if she would be the same person in 6 months. I told her I understood, because I know feel similar. That this has forced me into inner exploration and to become a better and happier person and I didn't know where the road would lead either. But, I thought we should both continue our IC, I told her I would be, and we could start talking to each other if and when she wanted to. It was up to her. She said she would, and said she had to go home to bed, she was too emotional and exhausted.
Over the weekend, she stayed with D at my house to take care of our dog. I spoke to her every day for D. She would ask how my trip was, and how i was doing. I would reply fantastic (it really was!) and i was doing well. She would say thats great. I would then ask her how she was dong, and her response was "You know, I'm okay..."
So, I do not know what to make of all of this. I'm not going to rush in or push. Is this a standard thing for a WAS? or is my W really "thinking"? I don't want to get caught up in mind reading though...
