I read DB but I don't remember anything about the safety net. It makes so much sense & in a strange way makes me understand distancing so much more.
You won't find that in DB because it's all mine, baby! Arrived at through long and intense soul searching for the past couple months But seriously, I made just about every newbie mistake you can possibly make. Most of that was because I did what, well, just about everybody who is having trouble does when people on this board tell them that what they're doing isn't going to work: I told myself, "they just don't understand my sitch, and just because it works for them, doesn't mean it's going to work for me." It's just not so. They know EXACTLY what's going on. It's just that what they're telling you is SO counterintuitive to what your gut is telling you, which of course is "FIGHT!!!" No. If you follow an alcoholic around the house telling him how much he's hurting you, what's he gonna do? He's gonna head straight for that darn door (pardon my use of such childish words, in real life I swear like a drunken sailor but on my gold-star behavior here on the boards, lol)...where was I? Ah yes, they're going to head straight for the door and, guess what? They'll probably drink even harder because you reminded them of what a...screwup they are. So take ALL of the pressure off. They need to hit rock bottom and they can't do that if they know that a) you will always be there with that safety net or b) if they have your pursuing or nagging to hold onto as a useful scapegoat for their unhappiness.
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I am so grateful for your kind and supportive words along with great understanding and advice. You have awakened a rally in me! Maybe I can live thru this and even come out a stronger person even if my WAH never comes back. I never knew such kindness as I have found here on this board.
We help by helping. Just as how you learn by teaching, you share your experiences, we offer advice, you implement the advice and then pass on your findings to other poor souls who are going through a similar experience. We are all going through emotionally trying times, every one of us -- this is like a meeting place for the walking dead, lol. But you can count on me to listen and not judge, and I can emulate my heroes, the vets on this board, and maybe we can all get through this with a modicum of dignity intact.
You CAN live through this, you WILL live through this, and it WILL make you a stronger person. Just promise me that you will make an honest effort to focus on yourself and your own needs and your own happiness and NOT with the intention of winning H back? It might even help (as painful as it is) to accept now that H is gone. At least in your mind! It makes it so much easier to detach and get on with the honest work on finding yourself again. Once you stop being needy, clinging, reasoning, nagging, pleading safety net it'll give H the space to consider what he's missing. Put any pressure on him at all -- and I'm talking the weight ofma feather -- will be too much. Back off and focus on you.
Practice patience and believe that you are strong enough, because none of us believes it at first, but the realization dawns on us sooner or later. Might as well face it now and save yourself this frustration!
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
But seriously, I made just about every newbie mistake you can possibly make. Most of that was because I did what, well, just about everybody who is having trouble does when people on this board tell them that what they're doing isn't going to work: I told myself, "they just don't understand my sitch, and just because it works for them, doesn't mean it's going to work for me." It's just not so. They know EXACTLY what's going on. It's just that what they're telling you is SO counterintuitive to what your gut is telling you, which of course is "FIGHT!!!" No. If you follow an alcoholic around the house telling him how much he's hurting you, what's he gonna do? He's gonna head straight for that darn door (pardon my use of such childish words, in real life I swear like a drunken sailor but on my gold-star behavior here on the boards, lol)...where was I? Ah yes, they're going to head straight for the door and, guess what? They'll probably drink even harder because you reminded them of what a...screwup they are. So take ALL of the pressure off. They need to hit rock bottom and they can't do that if they know that a) you will always be there with that safety net or b) if they have your pursuing or nagging to hold onto as a useful scapegoat for their unhappiness.
