Is this cake eating 13

[NLW]

IO, Thanks for this.

It helps to hear another perspective. I often think I'm creating the problem by over-thinking why he might do, but in this case, I think there is no way I can give him access to the car.
In any case, it's unregistered, has a flat battery by now and is only drivable in first gear/reverse.

Thanks for your thoughts about the yacht stuff.
Makes me so mad, it's good to know someone is on my side.

I don't think I could ever trust him again, but who knows. I've thought a lot of things in the past that don't hold now.
I don't even look at the possibility of a future with him at the moment, though.

[NLW]

WH, Busting, AS, Dawn

Thank you.

This seems like a good way of thinking about things.

Dawn, You are a gem. It really helped me to hear this from you. The insights from your H are amazing.

I have been thinking about the way XH always said he did not want to give me false hope.

Eg, by going to the movies with us, hanging at our house to help the kids with home work, having coffee with me, etc. All the things he indicated he was willing to do straight after D was granted.

He was aways going to D me. His mind was made up on Day 1 of BD. He was resolute.

Now he doesn't have to worry about giving me false hope. We are D-ed.

A big trial for me now to deal with the increased contact he wants with the kids, but not to see anything as an opportunity to build a foundation for possible reconciliation.
Got to keep my hopes in check.
And I do wonder what's going to come next.

Mainly, I fear that he will announce his marriage to OW pretty much straight away. Then a baby. I would find this hard, and i am afraid that it's coming.

I am also conflicted in my thinking about whether I would ever want to be reconciled with this person, too.

I want to prevent him taking more of my money, and I want him to pay back the money he has taken from me and my family, but other than that, I'm not so sure.

Like Golfmom, I still hold onto the shred of a dream of my family being whole again. For the kids, mostly. But I think I'm holding onto a fantasy, not a real possibility.

I think that things may be better now than before D, however.

Although I run the risk of cake-eating again, at least he is not ranting.

And I got a coffee, some food, and a free ride. No small matters in my current financial state.

NIce is better than raging monster who can't get his own way. But is it better than 'out of my life'?

This is the issue that I'm grappling with now.

[NLW]

NLW,

You have received lots of great advice re. your H - protect yourself, let things flow, don't overthink, don't mind-read, detach, go dark... Yet, I still see you completely focused on HIM.

KG, I get what you're saying. I want to say "Give me a break. I was D-ed yesterday! And then XH did all these strange things. So of course I wanted to post about this to help me deal."
But I understand that you're not just referring to this.

I guess I post to help me think stuff through. And to vent.
I post when i need to get over stuff and am having trouble. When i need someone else's perspective.

I tend not to post about stuff i manage on my own.

You know we are here to support you - your sitch is not easy at all and we want the best outcome possible for you. Yet all we hear about is your H. I for once would love to hear about NLW...

What do YOU want?

Money. I want to be paid back for all the money XH has taken. And I want money to help support our kids.

If i had this, i'm not sure I'd even want anything to do with XH any more.

Is that terrible?

What would you like to see happening in your life 6-months from now, 1 yr. from now, 5 yrs. from now?

I'd like to have my mortgage paid for by XH. I'd like to have him pay down all the cc debt he incurred through cash advances. I'd like him to pay back the money he took from my parents and kids.
Then we could get on with living our lives decently, with some comfort and security.

What are you doing to get there?

Paying thousands of dollars that i don't have to a L.

What GAL activities are you currently doing? Today?
Went to the movies (Ironman, loved it!) on a free ticket MIL gave me for Xmas. Kids came too and paid for themselves (sad).

This week, this month?
Walking dogs, going to work, talking to friends, doing school stuff with kids, teaching D17 how to drive, gardening, painting a fence, baking, visiting elderly parents, watching football, watching old movies (Cat on Hot Tin Roof, Suddenly Last Summer, Life & Loves of a She Devil), reading novels (Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, Scoop).

But both kids have just come down with impetigo - believe it or not.
It's terrible. They are confined to house due to infection. Can't wait till i get it too.
I'm worried that it's happened due to the stress they're under or even because of our poor diet.

What else do you have planned to do differently to enrich your life in the near future?
Get back out meeting new people. Admitting my D-ed status and living like a D-ed woman, not a limbo 'faux' wife.

Let me get to know NLW better... I know she is a wonderful person and as a friend, I'd love for her to share more with me of what is good in her life and what her dreams are!

Dream is to travel with the kids to UK. We used to go regularly but have not been now for 3 yrs. But how to do that in current financial sitch ...
Would love to do it as a reward for D17 finishing her senior year and before she goes off to college.

(((((((NLW)))))))))

[bustingout]

^^^I like your responses NLW.

NIce is better than raging monster who can't get his own way. But is it better than 'out of my life'?

This is the issue that I'm grappling with now.

I can understand this dilemma. I go through it too.

Just really coming by to see how you are today...its been such a surreal period of time for you lately. I am here for you....

[keep_going]

NLW,

I hope I didn't upset you with my last post. You were divorced just a couple of days ago and i am so deeply sorry if you felt like I was insensitive. it was not my intention at all.

I understand your need to post to vent (I do all the time) and work through stuff you are struggling with (i do so as well). The amazing thing about this forum is that it is truly a safe place to to express our deep, deep, hurt and have people that actually get it, can empathize and offer support. Isn't it?

I have followed your sitch for a long time trying to offer that - empathy and support because I feel I GET IT. I feel like your sitch and mine are similar in many ways...

Yes! You have absolutely every right to post to vent and work through stuff you struggle with and you should continue doing so! It's part of the healing process. You mentioned that you also post because you want a different perspective and that is what I am trying to offer you...

When we focus on our spouse's actions, the hurtful thing they do and say and we try to understand their motivations, we start speculating and mind-reading, which causes anxiety and more pain for us. It can also become a habit and we can get stuck. And so I fear you getting stuck... I fear that your life may become on hold, watching and waiting for your H's next move. I fear so because I have been there - stuck for a very long time...

Coincidentally, Advina and Accuray were discussing some of this just today in her thread. And Ad summed up so well what I want to say, that I am going to steal it from her thread for you (and me!):

"But enough complaining has to eventually lead to doing or it becomes an obstacle to improvement. Venting has its place but also its limits."


That is the perspective I was trying to bring today... Because that is what DBing is about, isn't it? It's about focusing on ourselves to become the best person we can FOR US. It's about not letting our lives or emotions depend on what our spouses do or say. It's NOT easy and it doesn't happen overnight, but one thing that can help us build momentum to get closer is to break our own cycles. Breaking the cycle of letting our thoughts focus on our spouse for too long, breaking the cycle of talking to others about our Hs frequently and breaking the cycle of writing about their actions too much ... When we practice bringing our thoughts back to the present moment, to what we are doing, to the good things we have today, to what is working in our lives, it's easier to stop thinking so much about them and thus, we take a step closer to detachment.

I want that for me, for you and for everyone on this forum. That is why I asked you about your GAL activities - because they also help us create momentum forward until we can get to a better place and I was worried, based on your posts, that you were not helping yourself in that area. So I am very, very happy to hear about all your GAL activities - they sound great and enriching and I want to give you kudos and encourage you to keep it up!

I am also glad to hear that you have clarity re. what you want financially. I know what it is to live with the anxiety and stress of not knowing how you will pay the bills next month, so yes, financial issues have to be dealt with. So no, of course it's not terrible to want him to pay back all the money he has taken. (I actually asked for the same thing in the legal document my L is sending to my H this week.)

Yet my question to you was really about what you wanted out of your own life to be happy, separate from your H. Why separate from him? Because if your wants, needs and goals for your life are based on what he does or doesn't do, then it means you have no power...

So what if the things you want from him don't happen? What will that mean for NLW? Because the truth is that most of the things you listed as your desires are unfortunately out of your control.

Look, my own request for money to my H is what I think is fair... I included it in the document because this is a negotiation and this is the time to ask for what I want. Yet I am completely clear and at peace knowing that I might not get ANYTHING. Why am I ok with letting go of that after fighting it for so long? Because I have made new life plans and goals that are independent of all of those D issues and of anything my H may or may not do. I am finally looking ahead to a future based on me and my kids... My H said we are no longer US over two years ago and I am finally ready to take control of a life based on ME, my happiness and work on becoming the best person I can be FOR ME. Because I deserve it and it's within my control...

So, what does NLW want out of life to become happy and become the best person she can be? What can you do today to help you get there?

(((((((((NLW))))))))))))

[2chiquitos]

Good questions KG!

NLW, keep posting. take what you like and leave the rest.

[labug]

Great post and perspective, kg.

[NLW]

Hey Busting,

Thanks for always being there for me.

It is big.

I'm always here for you too, reading along and hoping for you and your family every step of the way.

As I sat in D court the other day waiting to hear those ghastly words, I thought of you and all the other friends around the world, picturing little beacons of light that I knew would be supporting me.

[NLW]

NLW,

I hope I didn't upset you with my last post. You were divorced just a couple of days ago and i am so deeply sorry if you felt like I was insensitive. it was not my intention at all.

No, not at all KG.
And I'm a bit ashamed to let you in on my dirty secret. I don't believe that I'm D-ed at all. It still doesn't seem real to me.

Seems like it happened somehow 'outside' of me. Even when I read it here, as in your words above.

Maybe I am really in trouble, mentally.

Or maybe it's a good sign. i don't feel any different at all. No huge catastrophe ensued after the J uttered the words. Maybe that's all there is to it.

But anyway....

I understand your need to post to vent (I do all the time) and work through stuff you are struggling with (i do so as well). The amazing thing about this forum is that it is truly a safe place to to express our deep, deep, hurt and have people that actually get it, can empathize and offer support. Isn't it?

Oh, Yes! Where would we be without it?

I have followed your sitch for a long time trying to offer that - empathy and support because I feel I GET IT. I feel like your sitch and mine are similar in many ways...

I know and I really appreciate all the support and help you've given me.

Yes! You have absolutely every right to post to vent and work through stuff you struggle with and you should continue doing so! It's part of the healing process. You mentioned that you also post because you want a different perspective and that is what I am trying to offer you...

When we focus on our spouse's actions, the hurtful thing they do and say and we try to understand their motivations, we start speculating and mind-reading, which causes anxiety and more pain for us. It can also become a habit and we can get stuck. And so I fear you getting stuck... I fear that your life may become on hold, watching and waiting for your H's next move. I fear so because I have been there - stuck for a very long time...

Yep, I fear this too. I felt I was moving on a little with reduced contact with him over last several months. But this D episode and his subsequent change dragged me back in. Hopefully it's only temporary!

Coincidentally, Advina and Accuray were discussing some of this just today in her thread. And Ad summed up so well what I want to say, that I am going to steal it from her thread for you (and me!):

"But enough complaining has to eventually lead to doing or it becomes an obstacle to improvement. Venting has its place but also its limits."

Again, I agree.
I imagine, though, that I am going to have to vent and complain during the settlement process that is coming up too. XH has shown himself to be extreme in his attitude to finances. I really need to hear others' views and to vent my dis-belief at what he says and does. I feel I'd go crazy otherwise.
After settlement, I imagine there will be nothing much to keep us involved with each other. No need to vent if I don't have to have anything to do with him - and that will be a choice I can make.


That is the perspective I was trying to bring today... Because that is what DBing is about, isn't it? It's about focusing on ourselves to become the best person we can FOR US. It's about not letting our lives or emotions depend on what our spouses do or say. It's NOT easy and it doesn't happen overnight, but one thing that can help us build momentum to get closer is to break our own cycles. Breaking the cycle of letting our thoughts focus on our spouse for too long, breaking the cycle of talking to others about our Hs frequently and breaking the cycle of writing about their actions too much ... When we practice bringing our thoughts back to the present moment, to what we are doing, to the good things we have today, to what is working in our lives, it's easier to stop thinking so much about them and thus, we take a step closer to detachment.

Yes, I do hear you. And I agree. Although, you can see my attempt to justify my actions above.


I want that for me, for you and for everyone on this forum. That is why I asked you about your GAL activities - because they also help us create momentum forward until we can get to a better place and I was worried, based on your posts, that you were not helping yourself in that area. So I am very, very happy to hear about all your GAL activities - they sound great and enriching and I want to give you kudos and encourage you to keep it up!

Thanks. They're not really all that great, but I'm working on getting out and about more.

I am also glad to hear that you have clarity re. what you want financially. I know what it is to live with the anxiety and stress of not knowing how you will pay the bills next month, so yes, financial issues have to be dealt with. So no, of course it's not terrible to want him to pay back all the money he has taken. (I actually asked for the same thing in the legal document my L is sending to my H this week.)

Yet my question to you was really about what you wanted out of your own life to be happy, separate from your H. Why separate from him? Because if your wants, needs and goals for your life are based on what he does or doesn't do, then it means you have no power...

So what if the things you want from him don't happen? What will that mean for NLW? Because the truth is that most of the things you listed as your desires are unfortunately out of your control.

Yikes, I don't want to go there. I will probably lose the house. S14 will not be able to continue at his school. I will not be able to retire in 5 years time, let alone 10 years, and when I do, I will be living on a meagre income. The financial sitch is grim for me unless I can get something back from XH.
Hence my focus on that aspect.

Look, my own request for money to my H is what I think is fair... I included it in the document because this is a negotiation and this is the time to ask for what I want. Yet I am completely clear and at peace knowing that I might not get ANYTHING. Why am I ok with letting go of that after fighting it for so long? Because I have made new life plans and goals that are independent of all of those D issues and of anything my H may or may not do. I am finally looking ahead to a future based on me and my kids... My H said we are no longer US over two years ago and I am finally ready to take control of a life based on ME, my happiness and work on becoming the best person I can be FOR ME. Because I deserve it and it's within my control...

So, what does NLW want out of life to become happy and become the best person she can be? What can you do today to help you get there?

I understand, but really, at this point, i just need money to maintain a decent existence for me and the kids. Food, petrol, school and medical costs, pay all the bills.
I really can't think past these imperatives at the moment.
I could kid myself by planning to write a best-seller (a la JK Rowling) or hoping to stumble across Prince Charming.
But the reality for a massively in-debt 55-yr-old single mother of 2 teenagers is quite different.

I hope I don't sound like I'm in victim mode; I'm not. But getting out of this financial hole has to be my focus atm.

(((((((((NLW))))))))))))

[albamarie]

NLW

I really hear you about the $$$, funny how that is what's keeping me in place! Someone asked me a while ago if I won the lottery would I leave h, yes, I would not turn around as I walked out the door.

Your path will become clearer every day, baby steps.