Here is yet another update:

So far things continue to be stable. I am weeding my garden, helped by D and H... (who actually does not much like to garden: it was one of the wh*re's major gripes) and planting some seeds (it has been raining a lot, which helps ). We've bought a few plants and are starting to really get into the work part of gardening fun.

I had a weird dream last night, rather peripatetic, I'd say. I woke up to find myself snuggled against H, which helped, but I wonder what my Id is up to...

I am not sure of where or when I was, but I was walking along with the wh*re's pastor (a well known personality in the evangelical world). He was asking me why our divorce was taking so long and why was I obstructing it. I got the distinct impression that he had had the info from her.

I explained to him that his source of information was totally wrong. That my H and I were not getting a divorce and were actually fairly close. That she must know that was the sitch, because she had not gotten subpoenaed to depose in the D, and she was one of parties to the adultery (this said in an absolutely matter-of-fact, non-accusatory way). He kept asking probing questions and I answered them, explaining how my H spent most of his time with us, the nice things he does and making the case FOR my H's good behavior and the wh*re's delusional thinking!!! ME!!!

Believe it or not, I went on telling this guy that she was still working for him because it was not fair to punish her daughter's for the mother lack of moral compass (their college depends on her income), and that my H had no intention whatsoever of marrying her at all.

At that point I woke up, with none of the anguish usually associated with flashbacks. I do not know why I even answered the questions (this guy is not my pastor, and I do not know him at all), let alone why I took my H's 'side' so to speak.

What is happening to me? Any ideas?

"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little" Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"