I think we are both are testing the waters in this new world. Maybe I'm mind reading - but then again I haven't been wrong yet.
She is definitely keeping the door open. My latest test was including her in a FB post for a film she was a huge part of when we were younger. I felt it appropriate to include her and she responded stating a fond memory of the moment it started with congrats.
My next step is letting her know how my filming is going on my current movie. When she informed me how her amends process went with her mom (which I did not ask her to do), she gave me some solid advice on things and then told me to let her know how it goes.
I'm waiting until the show is over which is on the 7th to tell her. I need to figure out how to keep it short and sweet, but that idea goes against who I am as a person. Her advice drastically impacted my show.. it would be great to share it with her.
I kinda hope she reaches out before then. My fear is that she will think I'm pursuing… or that she will think I will start relying on her. I don't want to add that pressure. I'm doing my damnedest to not let that fear dictate my actions… but it is difficult.
My mom asked me if I was okay with x talking to me. For the most part I am… I still have my angry moments. Especially recently when I discovered that after 2 years, I'm still not really ready to date
But overall I think I'm okay. Keeping healthy boundaries for myself yet still being loving. I know that I think of her more often now… but I think that's about me just figuring it all out.
I had dinner with an old friend whom I haven't seen in almost a year. Her father passed away and she fell off the face of the earth. Last night she informed me that she went to rehab and is now working a 12 step program.
We talked about x a ton. The more I talk about it, the more I believe that this needed to happen. It was the only way to make ME healthy. It was the only way that she stood a chance to become healthier.
Overall, my actions haven't really changed much. It's more that I am accepting this new challenge in my life.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
