Grab yourself a comfy chair and a tall glass of whatever you are drinking. This post is going to be a doozy.
So....
I feel something happened today that truly tested me... tested my strength, my integrity, and what TVS is really made of. And I fully believe I passed this test.
At work today I get a call from none other than OW. She was filling in for another employee at my building, and asked if she could talk to me. I said yes.
Now I will be honest with you all... My heart was racing. A million different thoughts and feelings raced through my mind. I tried to emotionally and mentally prepare myself for anything.
She starts out the conversation by saying that she wanted to apologize to me for being a terrible friend. That she feels terrible about how she's treated me and the things she's done. She said she felt terrible several times.
She went on to say that she had been angry with me. That she felt that I had not been there for her as I friend with some things that had been going on in her life. I actually listened and validated that by saying that I was sorry she felt that way. That I had no idea she was upset with me, and that I thought I had always tried to be a good friend to her.
We discussed many things about our friendship. She said that it made her sad that we weren't friends and that I didn't speak to her. She said she hoped that I could forgive her for how she has treated me.
I said that I felt the bridge had been burned with our friendship. That I wished her and her family well (and also asked about her H and kids). I said that I didn't think forgiveness would be a problem, but that I could never trust her again. She said she understood.
When we discussed H, it was in terms of the situation, and not about him personally. I made a concerted effort to do this. She did make a few comments here and there about what a difficult time he has gone through. She even said at one point she felt like he was so down last year that she thought he was ready to take the bridge. I just said I know, I live with him.
There's so much that was said, I can't possibly write everything or even remember everything. Some of the things I said:
- that I felt totally betrayed by her. That I thought I told her things in confidence as friends do, and asked her how she would like if I told her H some of the unflattering things she said about him.
- told her (and I have told H this) that I have never talked to another man about him. That I felt that talking to a member of the opposite sex about your M crossed the line.
- I told her that I felt that she disrespected me and my M. That her talking to H behind my back, texting H behind my back, and meeting him out behind my back were all disrespectful and a betrayal of my trust. She agreed, and said she thought all of those things were wrong. She did not deny doing them.
- I asked her how she would feel if she found a picture of her H with another woman. She said, "I would be done with him." She wanted to know why I wasn't done with H. I told her about my belief in M, my taking my vows seriously. That I didn't believe in bailing when things got tough.
Some observations about her:
- she was teary at times, and I do actually believed she had some genuine guilt and remorse she was dealing with
- she seemed to have almost an angry tone when talking about H sometimes. Said something like, "Well, I don't know what HE'S told you." She also said how she was afraid of H being angry with her, that he could be mean when he was angry.
- I said how I felt bad about her H having cancer, that I thought he was a good guy. That even though he had his faults, I believed his heart was in the right place. She didn't agree with me. Said something like its been a tough couple years for them.
It ended by her asking me if I felt better, and I said I did in some ways but... I would appreciate it if she would show some respect to me as a wife, mother, and person in her interactions with my H. She said she understood and that she appreciated me having the balls to say that. She commented that she can't believe how well I've held up.
She asked for a hug, and I gave her one. She thanked me for letting me talk to her.
Whew!
I think she meant some of what she said, but know she was still definitely witholding things. I didn't tell her everything, didn't play all my cards. Didn't tell her about the late night phone conversation. Didn't tell her about knowing they take the same days off, or the gifts I know he has bought her.
I never actually came out and said I thought she was having an affair.
There was definitely Divine intervention with me today. I didn't yell. I didn't swear. I kept my cool. The words just seemed to flow from me naturally.
H is at golf, will be home in a bit. I plan on telling him about the conversation. (Which he may very well already know about. This whole thing could be a set up. who knows). There were so many times in the past that I wish I had been more forthcoming with him concerning her (this is pre-bomb).
Thoughts and advice are very much needed and appreciated!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
