The long and winding road

[reachingHigher]

...the patience you have shown your h is unbelieveable....

I hope today is a good day for you and your boys.

I agree ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Tvs, I like making you laugh, so I thought of a funny thing while H & I were flying down the highway in our convertibles yesterday.

I bought a sort of a cute beret cap/hat at Target to contain my hair since it is longer now (H & I both like it that way). And then it looks decent upon arrival.

I noticed that H has to wear a hat too since his hair is longer too! Lol!!!!

[Takevowsserious]

Hello my DB friends...

Grab yourself a comfy chair and a tall glass of whatever you are drinking. This post is going to be a doozy.

So....

I feel something happened today that truly tested me... tested my strength, my integrity, and what TVS is really made of. And I fully believe I passed this test.

At work today I get a call from none other than OW. She was filling in for another employee at my building, and asked if she could talk to me. I said yes.

Now I will be honest with you all... My heart was racing. A million different thoughts and feelings raced through my mind. I tried to emotionally and mentally prepare myself for anything.

She starts out the conversation by saying that she wanted to apologize to me for being a terrible friend. That she feels terrible about how she's treated me and the things she's done. She said she felt terrible several times.

She went on to say that she had been angry with me. That she felt that I had not been there for her as I friend with some things that had been going on in her life. I actually listened and validated that by saying that I was sorry she felt that way. That I had no idea she was upset with me, and that I thought I had always tried to be a good friend to her.

We discussed many things about our friendship. She said that it made her sad that we weren't friends and that I didn't speak to her. She said she hoped that I could forgive her for how she has treated me.

I said that I felt the bridge had been burned with our friendship. That I wished her and her family well (and also asked about her H and kids). I said that I didn't think forgiveness would be a problem, but that I could never trust her again. She said she understood.

When we discussed H, it was in terms of the situation, and not about him personally. I made a concerted effort to do this. She did make a few comments here and there about what a difficult time he has gone through. She even said at one point she felt like he was so down last year that she thought he was ready to take the bridge. I just said I know, I live with him.

There's so much that was said, I can't possibly write everything or even remember everything. Some of the things I said:

- that I felt totally betrayed by her. That I thought I told her things in confidence as friends do, and asked her how she would like if I told her H some of the unflattering things she said about him.

- told her (and I have told H this) that I have never talked to another man about him. That I felt that talking to a member of the opposite sex about your M crossed the line.

- I told her that I felt that she disrespected me and my M. That her talking to H behind my back, texting H behind my back, and meeting him out behind my back were all disrespectful and a betrayal of my trust. She agreed, and said she thought all of those things were wrong. She did not deny doing them.

- I asked her how she would feel if she found a picture of her H with another woman. She said, "I would be done with him." She wanted to know why I wasn't done with H. I told her about my belief in M, my taking my vows seriously. That I didn't believe in bailing when things got tough.

Some observations about her:

- she was teary at times, and I do actually believed she had some genuine guilt and remorse she was dealing with

- she seemed to have almost an angry tone when talking about H sometimes. Said something like, "Well, I don't know what HE'S told you." She also said how she was afraid of H being angry with her, that he could be mean when he was angry.

- I said how I felt bad about her H having cancer, that I thought he was a good guy. That even though he had his faults, I believed his heart was in the right place. She didn't agree with me. Said something like its been a tough couple years for them.

It ended by her asking me if I felt better, and I said I did in some ways but... I would appreciate it if she would show some respect to me as a wife, mother, and person in her interactions with my H. She said she understood and that she appreciated me having the balls to say that. She commented that she can't believe how well I've held up.

She asked for a hug, and I gave her one. She thanked me for letting me talk to her.

Whew!

I think she meant some of what she said, but know she was still definitely witholding things. I didn't tell her everything, didn't play all my cards. Didn't tell her about the late night phone conversation. Didn't tell her about knowing they take the same days off, or the gifts I know he has bought her.

I never actually came out and said I thought she was having an affair.

There was definitely Divine intervention with me today. I didn't yell. I didn't swear. I kept my cool. The words just seemed to flow from me naturally.

H is at golf, will be home in a bit. I plan on telling him about the conversation. (Which he may very well already know about. This whole thing could be a set up. who knows). There were so many times in the past that I wish I had been more forthcoming with him concerning her (this is pre-bomb).

Thoughts and advice are very much needed and appreciated!

[job]

Well! I must say that you had a day of it. Now, here are my thoughts...definitely tell your h about the conversation...do not leave anything out. Be sure you have his undivided attention when you have this discussion.

As for the ow, I don't trust her one bit. She may have been sincere in some areas, but something tells me that she was testing the waters to see just how much you knew and what you were going to do about your h, i.e, kicking him out and/or divorcing him. In my opinion, she was on a fishing expedition.

You are a saint. You've earned your wings, halo and harp today. I think you did a smashing job of handling this discussion w/her. But, please watch your back.

[Takevowsserious]

Thanks Snodderly, I couldn't agree more!

There were times during the conversation that I felt like she was fishing. And I threw out comments like " I just think that running away from your R problems don't solve anything because your problems will eventually find you" and "there is no such thing as a perfect person or a perfect R" and of course all my beliefs about M and family.

I wondered if she was going to come clean about the A just to see how I would react or what I would do. Maybe that is yet to come.

Part of me is nervous tonight waiting for H to come home as I don't know what to expect.

Any thoughts on what you think she may do/try next so that I can be prepared?

[uRworthy]

You, my friend, are one classy lady.

I think you did wonderfully. You were dignified and strong.

I do believe that guilt is there, but, I also agree with Snodderly, that she was taking a temperature.

She definitely didnt get the answers she wanted. Good for you.

She may up the ante a bit and might tell your h a different version of it. She seems a little desperate.

I wouldnt be surprised if your h is angry. You keep to your story.

Y, you passed with flying colors. Good on you.

Please let me know what happens. I will be thinking of you.

[wishing, hoping]

Wow. But that was interesting. I wonder what she was up to. She's got some nerve. Let us know how things progress. Keep your guard up!!

You rock!

WH

[MrBond]

That's a sign of a true narcissist. I see how she talked about how much YOU hurt her, etc. All blame shifting so that they feel better about themselves. Even the hug to make her feel better.

[Takevowsserious]

Thanks UW and WH!

I feel like I was given this challenge because I was ready to receive it.

H comes home this evening and we make small talk. He asks me how work was. And I tell him that OW came to talk to me.

He seemed rather surprised. Asked me what time this was today. Huh???

I repeated my story. He did seem uncomfortable at times. Had a strange look on his face when I said she said she knew that she treated me terribly. Then he got defensive when we were discussing how OW said there were rumors of an A at work. I told him that I told her that I could understand how rumors could be hurtful, but on the other hand, maybe she should examine her behavior to see why exactly people were saying this.

He got mad.

He went off about how there are always rumors about people at work. I was almost going to say, "Well, do people ever say I am having an A?" But thought better of it

Anyway, the rumors at work are definitely a sore spot for him.

He asked me how things ended, and I told him. Asked me how I felt about it, and I said okay. I added that I didn't think she was being completely honest about everything, that it kinda seemed like she was fishing for info.

He wanted to know what I meant by that.

I said that when we discussed the picture I found, she wanted to know why I was still with you, and I thought that was a very weird thing to say. (And of course went into my spiel about not bailing when things got tough and wedding vows. he gave me a lot of intense eye contact for that). I also brought up about the phone call I heard a week before bomb at 3:00 am - she wanted to know if I overheard any of the conversation. Now why would she care about that?

He just looked at me.

For the most part, he was okay, but did try to turn things around on me as usual. And I purposely brought up OW's H just to see H's reaction, and he seemed to be very uncomfortable.

I also said that she said she hoped I would forgive her for how she's treated me. He wanted to know what I said.

I told him that I believe in forgiveness, and believe that everyone is worthy of forgiveness, but that we could never be friends again because I don't trust her.

We did talk a bit about him and how he is feeling. He reiterated that he feels like a shell of himself, that he knows he is a different person, that he has a lot of anger, that he has a lot of things he is trying to deal with. I asked him if he had days where he felt good, and he said no, that he never felt good. I asked him if he meant physically or emotionally, and he said both. He said he had days where he felt better than others, but he wouldn't say he ever felt good.

So for those of you wondering what goes on in the mind of the MLCer, there you have it, right from the horse's mouth.

My mind is spinning with so much stuff now, my conversation with her, my conversation with him. Wondering what the conversation between them is going to be like...

H seemed good when saying goodnight. We will see how this all plays out.

Thanks for listening

[Takevowsserious]

Yes Bond, she was definitely projecting and I think attempting to say things to soothe her guilt ridden conscience.

She made an interesting comment to me...

She had a situation with a family member a few years ago that caused her great embarrassment. She confided in me about this, and I told no one, not even my H.

I brought this up to her tonight, and she said, "Yes, you never told H anything I asked you to keep confidential. So I bet this has been hard for someone like you to understand."

Someone like me?

I think she is definitely feeling a bit insecure...

[reachingHigher]

Tvs this is an exciting development in your sitch! Where will it lead?

I could hardly believe what I was reading; it was riveting!

So...my advice....journal as much of today as you can. It's to easy to forget later the details. You are probably already doing that, but just wanted to add that I think it's really important.

You acted like a queen today. The queen of love and strength and beauty.

One day, I think your H will look back with disgust on his actions. Or maybe his mind will wash it away, since it's been so disrespectful to you.

In the meantime, keep that light at home burning brightly.

You're the stained glass remember?--you show your beautiful colors when it's dark out and there is a light inside!

Hugs,
rH