Time for the Loop the Loop on this rollercoaster!

[AnotherStander]

But then my mind is not on my sitch anymorw much, its on the favt that my daughter is getting older and her expenses are going up.

She's three right? Take it from someone with one in college and another close to it, I think you have some time before her expenses start going up significantly. You need to provide for her obviously, but you're not in a place where you need to throw yourself 100% into your business at the exclusion of everything else.

My free time is spent working on my website, promoting my business,etc.

Sounds like this is your newest thing. You've decided that what your W really wants/ needs is a hyper-provider, so now you're going to throw yourself into that now. Meanwhile, your W is STILL waiting to see CONSISTENT 180's. As 25 says, "consistent actions + time = change your S can believe in". I'm not seeing constistency from you, nor does it seem like you give anything much time to work before moving on to something else.

And his wife loves and reapects his ambition and dedication to providing a good future for his kids.

That's mind-reading, your sister-in-law could very well be a WAS in the making.

It may arrogance, it may be ambition and high seld regard. But I think we all have to be true to ourselves and what we want out of lufe.

An arrogant person should be true to themselves? Do you even know what arrogance means? "Having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities." Doesn't sound like a positive attribute to me.

[SM34]

Exactly. I dont believe I am arrogant because that tends to be negative and 'exaggerated' as you said. I think it is more a high self regard. I dont need approval from others and I think that is what high self esteem looks like.

in any case, the renewed focs on my business is along side my 180s of complimenting, and finishing projects I start etc. business success is for me, it is to save ne, iy is go save my daughter. If its not what my wife nreds to change her mind, them so be it. I am being true to myself.

I feel she changed,me in to someone who settles for less in life by constantly saying I put too much into work. I am only young for gods sake! I need to build something that I can enjoy later right?

I know my wife well. She doesnt believe I can do this, and now I think her negativity over the years convince me that I wasnt capable. But I believe ibam. So I suffered a few set backs in business. So what. you kearn and you move on. You dont blame others, you Blane yourself. But you dont dwell on it and you dont let it beat you. That is alpha make, and that is how I was.

DB is about saving yourself right? Well that is exactly what I am doing. I am sliping further into debt and I need to grab the bull by the horns and fight. And I can do this! I can achieve anything I set my mind to. Is that arrogant?

I think the line between high self esteem, high self worth, and arrogance is very fine. I may talk arrogant but its onl bevause I believe in myself and my capabilities. In my life, I have had many friends and family who have no ambition. My in laws are kind of like that. And I love them dearly and dont ever look down on them.

But I must stay true to myself. we talk about how marriage makes you lose yourself sometimes, and DB is about finding yourself. Well, this is myself. Some just have an insatiable desire to succeed, while some dont.. Nothing wrong with either as long as it is true to who you are.

[SM34]

Also, how can you have an ecaggerated sense of your own abilitues? If you didnt think you can do anything, then wouldnt you say 'no I could never achieve that'. Isnt that low self regard, low self esteem and not belueving in yourself and your ability to shape your destiny?

I was raised to believe I can achieve anything if I set my mind to it. I lost that belief in mysel after a few stumbles and I wife who stopped believing in me. I wanr that back! That is what dbing has made me realize.

I dont think poorly of others! Anyone can be whatever they want to be if they try hard enough.

[MrBond]

"I feel she changed,me in to someone who settles for less in life by constantly saying I put too much into work. I am only young for gods sake! I need to build something that I can enjoy later right?"

Wrong. You don't need to be rich to be successful. You don't need to be rich to be happy. Look how many people are rich and are on their 3rd, 4th, 5th marriages. If you constantly look for external and material goods to make you happy, you will never be happy.

"I think her negativity over the years convince me that I wasnt capable."

Now you're changing your marital history. She just wanted to provide you with some input but you ignored it thinking that you know better than her.

"That is alpha make, and that is how I was."

Yes and even when you were sinking you still kept telling yourself you knew best. An alpha male knows how to listen and interpret ALL information that is given to them (even if they don't agree with it) and choose the one that will yield the best outcome.

"And I can do this! I can achieve anything I set my mind to. Is that arrogant?"

Of course not. But what is arrogant is that you're missing the point of what people have been trying to tell you.

"I think the line between high self esteem, high self worth, and arrogance is very fine."

No it's not. Having high self-esteem means to be comfortable in your own skin and being cool about it. Arrogance is saying my skin is better than yours and I don't care what you say.

"I may talk arrogant but its onl bevause I believe in myself and my capabilities."

You keep forgetting that this is what got you into trouble in the first place. You didn't listen to your W and just made her contribution/suggestions seem insignificant. That's why she went after a guy who actually listens to her.

AGAIN! It's why people have stopped posting to you. Because you talk like a know it all. You keep saying that you're not and that you're not acting like one, etc. But look how many people have left and ALL for the same reason. Are you saying that they are ALL wrong and you're still right?

[SM34]

MrBond, you raise some very interesting points. I re read your post several times to let it sink in.

I think people are not wrong. I was not receptive to some of the suggestions people had. And I think it may be due to the fact that I am somewhat arrogant, but also because I never really explained the things that my wife suggested for my business. So I look like a real jack &ss!

I did go along with my wife on several ideas even though I had a hunch they would not pan out the way she thought.

For example she had a GREAT idea for a TV commercial. My wuestion, as a businessman, was how do we fund it? I gave her full control to look at and change both our business budget or our personal budget to free up the funds,needed.

After she examined it, she found a way to fund production. I said ok but what about airing it? She said we will worry about that when its time.

She had an awesome TV ad made which I love. I told her repeatedly how much I was proud and thankful for hsving her.

But then she couldnt find the Money to air it. So it became my fault.

I kind of led myself into that trap even though I could seeit coming. I eanted so badly for her to be a part of,my business. I saw her bored with her life and wanted her to be excited about something.

But in the end I was the problem because I couldnt find a way to get it on TV.

However, I do need to learn to listen to other peoples suggestions. I will admit that.

It ties in with who I used to be and who I have become. I used to listen and weigh out the pros and cons and then implement something that was usually a combinstion of the suggestions of others, and my own idea. I think after having so many projects fail, I have subconciously decided I am only listening to myself. And that is not the way to be.

I will think about the points you made and see if I can put my finger on why that happened and how I can change that.

As far as changing that with my wife, I have been extremely aware of it with her. When purchasing the new business, I gave her the final word ss to if it was a good venture.

I have invited her to re design the interior of it sinve she is an interior designer. But she has yet to stop by to take a look at what needs to be done.

Im trying very hard to listen to her suggestions. Im trying hard to listen to your suggestions. I am trying to get back to being that person I was at 21 who took in all the suggestions he could get. its tough changing a habit you developed as a defense mechanism against financial loss.

Mrbond I appreciate your insight. how can I fix this part of way? Could I practice listening to people and trying.their ideas in small every day situations? How can I learn to not discount someone elses idea?

[SM34]

I want to also expand on the 'success makes me happy' idea.

When we had the money to travel and also to buy nice things my wife never questioned my business expertise.

When things got rough, life got boring. You are right in that we could have found things that were less expensive to do for fun.

But when things got really tight, she started to doubt me. The 'my husband knows best' mentality was replaced with 'my husband doesnt know what he is doing'.

I dont think being rich makes you happy. But I think being poverished can make you very unhappy if you are not used to it.

Part of the problem is that a few of the couples we know who are about our same age, are now replacing their stsrter home they got married in, with something nicer. We are obviously not in that position and that has been a sour point for both of us. Not because we want to keep up with the Jones' but because it was part of our plan and now its not possible. Our house has gotten too small for us.

Im going to really practice listening to her over the next few weeks. Many if her friends have told me she is coming down off the OM high and is realisung he lied about moving closer to her.

Perhaps if I can really show that I can listen to her and that I value her input, I can bring her a step closer to coming back.

[AnotherStander]

I feel she changed,me in to someone who settles for less in life by constantly saying I put too much into work.

I thought you said her problem with you is that you didn't put enough into work? IE, you can't properly provide, she doesn't have the lifestyle she wants, etc.

I need to build something that I can enjoy later right?

I've got a few years on you, and I've seen my share of workaholics. They do not ever slow down later to enjoy things, they just work-work-work at the expense of everything else. Covey asks in 7 Habits what you want people to say about you at your funeral. Do you want them to say "he never left his desk, he was the most dedicated worker I've ever seen, work was everything to him, it was his life" or do you want them to say "he was the most devoted father and husband I've ever seen, he didn't think twice about setting work aside to spend time with his family."

DB is about saving yourself right? Well that is exactly what I am doing.

DB is about action. I've seen you talk a lot in your threads about things you want to do. I haven't seen you talk at all about accomplishing any of those things.

I think the line between high self esteem, high self worth, and arrogance is very fine. I may talk arrogant but its onl bevause I believe in myself and my capabilities.

Arrogance is not listening when others give you sound advice because you think you know better. It's getting so caught up in how great and smart you think you are that you think it's enough to just talk about all the things you're going to do and never actually do anything. Arrogance is sitting around doing nothing because you think you're so darned great that your W is going to beg to come home when she "comes to her senses". Arrogance is a negative characteristic, it has absolutely nothing to do with confidence, self-esteem or self-worth.

Well, this is myself. Some just have an insatiable desire to succeed, while some dont..

True story- I met a 22-year-old crack addict who had birthed 4 children, 3 of which had been removed from her care. She was on welfare and prostituted herself for extra cash to buy more drugs. Her teeth were a rotten mess. She was going to go to nursing school and get her degree, then intern at a local hospital while saving up for a house. She was going to be hugely successful, you should have heard her talk about all the great things she was going to do. And it was all going to start tomorrow. She had an insatiable desire to succeed. Yet she was still a crack addict single mother on welfare. Ambition is a DESIRE for personal achievement. But that's all it is- desire. Actions are another thing entirely. Quit telling us about the things you're going to do some day. Start doing things, and then come here to tell us about them. How about an update on your backyard reno project, how's that coming along?

Also, how can you have an ecaggerated sense of your own abilitues?

Absolutely, I see it all the time in my industry (architecture). Kids come out of college thinking they can design buildings when in actuality they don't have a clue about the first step. Here's a Persian proverb for you:

He who knows not, and knows not that he knows not, is a fool, shun him.
He who knows not, and knows that he knows not, is a child, teach him.
He who knows, and knows not that he knows, is asleep, wake him.
He who knows, and knows that he knows, is wise, follow him.

Arrogance = fool

I was raised to believe I can achieve anything if I set my mind to it.

A woman here in the office is 6'-4" and 300 pounds. Her daughter used that line on her and she said "Oh, so if I want to be a ballerina I just need to set my mind to it?" Point being, we weren't all meant to be ballerinas. Work towards what YOU can achieve, capitalize on YOUR particular skills.

[Crimson]

As noted before I have no background with OM in my situation, but I do echo GMs comments -- unplug from the "friends updates" and act upon what is in front of you - not what you think is coming based upon whatever intel you gather.

As a side note, I TOTALLY understand the "happiness through success" notion. But here is the deal that I am learning.....pay close attention to this --> there is little to no happiness to be found in stuff and material acquisitions. And that that there is is fleeting at best. There are mega-rich people that are miserable and divorcing. Houses, vacations and all the trappings of a successful life are icing - but happiness with yourself and what you have (and more importantly what you DON'T have) is the cake.

We are at best malcontented and always want to move on to the next stage or next big thing. It's the basic backbone of modern economics...."unlimited wants being pursued by limited means". Let go....focus on happiness with yourself....and if you can - happiness with your family.

Just my two cents.

Crimson

[SM34]

Gabbysmom, what is the plot? Im all ears.

Begginners mind.

[AnotherStander]

there is little to no happiness to be found in stuff and material acquisitions.

Amen! The Millionaire Next Door is a great book to read to get a reality check on those people you see around you that have all the trappings of being rich. They're really not, they are what are referred to in the book as "hyper consumers". I knew one such guy that was a NASA engineer, he had an enormous house, boat, new Porsche, etc. etc. Everyone was amazed at how "successful" he was. Then he lost his job in downsizing. Within a year he lost it all because he had loans on EVERYTHING and as soon as he started missing payments it all got taken away. The book points out that people like that aren't millionaires, in fact they usually don't have any wealth at all, just a lot of debt. Most real millionaires drive an older car, shop at Walmart and wear regular clothes. They are millionaires specifically because they don't blow all their money on the trappings of looking rich. It's a fascinating book.

I started out on a loading dock making 3.15 an hour. My friends and I, our idea of a good time was shooting pool, drinking beer and sharing a pizza. Then I went on to college, got my degree, started in the white collar world and eventually worked up to a 6 figure salary and all the perks that come with that. But when I think back to the times of my life that I was happiest, crazily enough those times on the loading dock are pretty high on the list.