Sandi I'm reading your thread again and will re-read what you posted in here. In your thread I can picture what you H actions while you were fighting the temptation to contact OM.
It could be as small as offering you a popcorn and watch tv, in your feelings that made you cringe and that was a tremendous pursuit. I got to watch myself, I do those things up until recently. Everything you said on the boards they're exact words my w told me.
This is why I try to discourage LBH'S from pursuing a WAW who is in an A. He really has no idea how she really feels about him, or he would not press her. And yes, even asking her to watch tv seems like pursuit to a woman that feels disgusted.
I used that word "disgust" once, and a LBH was kind of shocked and said I was being a bit harsh. Men need to wake up and realize that she doesn't like you, doesn't want to be in the same room as you, and she sure as heck doesn't want you hanging around her like a love-sick puppy. So why would he pursue a woman who feels that way about him? Why on earth does he think it would change her feelings? All it does is to increase her antaganisim.
I suppose men just fall back on what they thought worked when they began a dating R. It worked once, so why not now? But you see, it only worked b/c she was interested. If she had felt disgusted by the thought of you back then.......you would not have had a chance to proceed with pursuing b/c she would have shot you down . Is it b/c the LBH doesn't really get it? They think use a little charm and pursuit and expect the same results as he got in the past? Not this time. Things are different with her now. She is done with him. That means that she will not respond to his pursuit. And you would be surprised to know what simple every day things can be considered as pursuing to a WAW.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, do you feel this is the same scenario for a WAW who isn't in an affair?
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Sandi... or for a couple who work together? sometimes my h has just "got to get away" from whatever it is that he is doing... is this flight? (ive been reading your situation)
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Sandi, I think that word "disgust" is spot-on, that's how I feel my wife feels when she's around me.
Just finished a charity bike ride 60 miles gained 5k' been training for 1.5 months I did better this year...w took the kids and saw me finish with the team--that was awesome see my kids cheer. I have a Lot of things to share about the ride but my w is not interested. I miss sharing with her. I should be used to this already darnit!...oh well I guess I'll focus on the positive. Our team raised a good amount of money for a good cause.
Well it is what it is. Sandi your posts have been very helpful! Thank you so much.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
It will be a long, hard journey for both of you. But right now is the hardest. And remember, just b/c the A was busted doesn't mean you are reconcile. In her heart, she's a WAW.
But you both can survive this crises! Some day she will look at you through eyes of love. Hold onto that thought, okay?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I love that thought. Maybe one day, there's a turning point to all these and she will realize we both cause our problems in the M and I'm not the enemy.
Keep me in check Sandi...I don't update much but when something significant happen in my sitch I'm normally on the boards.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Hi Sandi, I have been following your posts and also reading your sitch. And finding what you are saying incredibly helpful.
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I used that word "disgust" once, and a LBH was kind of shocked and said I was being a bit harsh. Men need to wake up and realize that she doesn't like you, doesn't want to be in the same room as you, and she sure as heck doesn't want you hanging around her like a love-sick puppy. So why would he pursue a woman who feels that way about him? Why on earth does he think it would change her feelings? All it does is to increase her antaganisim.
Can I ask. How does a WAW / MLCer go from loving, caring and ML in one month, to having a epiphany one day, to disgust and not wanting to be touched etc?
Does it happen as soon as feelings for OM are realised?
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Can I ask. How does a WAW / MLCer go from loving, caring and ML in one month, to having a epiphany one day, to disgust and not wanting to be touched etc?
IMHO, I don't think it happens in just one month. It often can appear to the bewildered H that it all changed over a month's time. A lot of women can keep their true feelings covered up. For instance, when they have an emotional need that isn't being met by the H. In fact, many WAW's will complain that the H didn't help with house chores, when in fact, they have a deep emotional need for something she's not getting. A man helping with housework is not an emotional need. (Which I just pulled that example out of thin air, since it's usually the first thing a newcomer thinks he hasn't done enough of to be a good H.)
Strange as it sounds, I believe some women just won't put it into plain language for the H to understand. Take me for example. I needed words of affirmation and emotional intimacy. I thought it would sound terrible if I told him I needed WOA, and he didn't have a clue what emotional intimacy was. So, as time goes on, the well eventually runs dry. The time to read the 5 LL is before she is done.....not after she gives the bomb.
It takes most women a long time of going without certain needs me. But as I've said before, a woman is like a flower, and if she's neglected (filling her emotional needs), she will dry up and die. That's exactly how I felt, like I had died on the inside. So, when another person comes along with sunshine & water to give her, she's in a very vulnerable state.
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Does it happen as soon as feelings for OM are realised?
Oh no, it happens long before there is an OM. OM would not even affect her feelings if she was receiving what she really & truly wanted from her H. But if she doesn't tell him, and she just goes through the motions of being a happily married woman, then OM can get a chance at her heart.
Other things can obviously cause women to react very suddenly and quickly. Hormone disorder is a huge factor. I went for years with everything scr@wed up. The doctor could not believe my test results! It can cause a person to do bad things. Look at what some women had been known to do during PMS, or after giving birth to a baby!
And just as some men hit MLC, so are more & more women these days. It seems too much stress is on most everyone. I'm not saying it's an excuse, I'm just saying it is happening everywhere.
I think one of the most common issues I have read about here on the board, has been couples who were not spending enough one on one time with each other. Either jobs, schooling, kids, or other issues were keeping them spread so thin that they never had special quality for alone together. It eventually does a bad number on a MR.
I wished I had an answer that would help you. Living in limbo is like being one of the living dead!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This very line is still thrown at me to this date. "Something inside me died and how do you get something dead to live again?" W is talking about her feelings for me and therefore she believes she can never have those feelings back because they're dead.
How do you give hope to someone that tell you this? Perhaps the actions that you've changed? But isn't it true that if you're in a fog the changes are a little too late for a WAW?
Sorry just more questions that come across my head.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Hi sandi, just name checked you in my thread in MLC forum, and how odd that at the same time you were responding to this. Why? Because I am exhausted after only 3 months of this and need a good kicking back into shape! One reason I feel like i am so exhausted:
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A man helping with housework is not an emotional need. (Which I just pulled that example out of thin air, since it's usually the first thing a newcomer thinks he hasn't done enough of to be a good H.)
There you go! Trying to do too much around the house and feeling annoyed when I don't have time to keep it up!
Anyway I will stop hijacking newmans thread now (sorry Newman!) and get back to not trying too hard!
As usual great post sandi2
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
