I want him to be happy

[stilllookingup]

It’s been over a month since my H moved out. When he came back to grab hew more things the next day he moved out, I helped to carry some stuff to his car in the garage. We were saying bye and he said he’d give me a call when he comes to get the stuff in the garage. Whenever he mentions getting the rest of his stuff my heart sinks. I know that’s what “moving out” means but I guess deep down I want this S to be just temporarily so badly that I know I’m hoping he doesn’t have to take the “rest of his stuff” to his new place.

It’s been over a month and so far he hasn’t come back to get “the rest.” One thing I’m being really careful about is that I don’t send a wrong message. I’ve read some posts here that making changes to the house etc made WAS think that we’ve moved on and scare/upset them so I haven’t touched his stuff in the garage, his hobby desk etc at all. He also still has the key and remote to our house & garage and he lets himself in whenever he has to come get his stuff (mail, packages that he ordered before he moved out) He does let me know via text beforehand that he needs to come, I say ok and he lets himself in. Some people might have problem with that but I don’t. I actually like that he still holds onto the key. One thing I’ve noticed – he does seem to like to come get stuff when I’m not home and he only takes what he needs (mail or packages) and not the rest of his stuff.

I don’t text him unless he texts me so you can say I was going dim. I haven’t posted anything on FB since last Oct (BD) so nobody knew what I’d been up to except friends and family I occasionally update my sitch. I hosted a baby shower for my best friend few weeks ago that I put my heart and soul in. The shower turned out wonderfully and I debated if I should post pics on fb or not but I ended up posting them mainly because I wanted my bf’s family and friends on fb to share. The next day he texted to tell me he saw the pics and how great everything turned out. He was still living at home when I was making a diaper cake so he knew how hard I was working on this shower. He also asked how one of our cats were doing (because he was supposed to take her when she recovered from her surgery), and if I was going to the charity walk for his sister that weekend. I told him I was going with my girlfriend and that I could not miss it this year because I missed last year. Right after that I saw he registered for the walk online. I only took that as a positive sign for 10 min and my negative thoughts started going through my head. “Why did he donate $25 extra? Is it for his date?” “Did he ask if I was going because he didn’t want me to come?” I know I shouldn’t but it’s my nature I guess.

Deep down I knew he was not gonna bring a date to a family event even if he did have one but I sometimes feel I don’t know him anymore that I speculate things. When I got there with my friend he was sitting next to his mom. His mom walked up to me and gave me a hug, which felt tighter than before. She knows I’m putting on a smile outside but hurting inside. I went to hug all the family members and when I went to hug my H, he kissed me on my head.

I’m so glad I asked my friend to come. She definitely helped to lighten me up in an awkward situation that I was able to act happy and fun throughout the day. I had a ladybug on my forehead and everyone was yelling and telling me to not flick it. My H was keeping an eye on where the ladybug was going and every time I moved, everyone had big laughs. We really had a great time. I remembered there would usually be a brunch at MIL’s house after the walk for the family but when we were walking to the parking, I quickly said that I parked the other side and I was leaving. I’m sure my MIL wanted to spend some time with her daughter and son I didn’t want to create a weird obligation for her.

This was particularly good day because I had a serious awakening…

As I was leaving, I thought about my friend who drove more than an hour for this walk and how appreciative I was of her. I don’t know if I ever mentioned this on here but I’ve always had trouble letting people become friends with me. I always hated happy hour because I felt why would I want to go have a drink (I prefer juice over cocktails!) and chat about guys and stuff. I always felt it was such a waste of time when I could go home and have comfy time with my H and cats. My H never understood this. He always joked (now I think about it he wasn’t joking) how I intentionally didn’t make friends. This is very true. One time I even said “I only want to be friends with someone who I gain something from” …………. What kind of bitxx would say that? I did. When I said this he froze and had a little disrespectful face. He said “When you say like that you are superior than them or something” I honestly didn’t mean that but now I know I did. He was right all along. People liked me but I didn’t give them a chance. I always had excuses for not making friends and blamed the entire world I’m here all alone and all my friends and family are in my mother country. This girl who came to walk with me always liked me and I liked her, but I never initiated hanging out with her outside of work because I wanted to spend time with my H. This close-minded and arrogant attitude of mine greatly affected our relationship. I’d say it’s one of the biggest reasons he wanted to leave.

I truly want to thank my H for waking me up.