It's certainly is frustrating. Feels like being on a 24hrs driving test, being watched and judged on every manoeuvre.
I have to say when it gets to things like this its the worry for the kids future that keeps me going. How I don't want them to have any other man in their lives other than me. How they will feel growing up knowing that their 'parents' never tried to make it work for them.
If we were without kids I think I would have on more than one occasion given up by now as its exhausting - and I've only been at this 3 months - but I just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel right now. And as much as I love my W. would I put up with this and forgive her if it wasn't for the kids?
Right now - No
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
What I think I need is Sandi2 to pop over to my thread and give me a good reality check and stern talking to!!!
Snodderly - you've been brilliant up to now and always manage to say what I need I hear. Any thoughts - I know my grumble is just a minor moan and I should get on with it, but just feeling worn out by it all.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
2.4, I hear something in your point that I have thought a lot about. We are here spending tons of time, thought, and emotional stress trying to figure out our moves. MLCers on the other hand can just prance throughout our worlds thoughtlessly throwing grenades, then be unhappy when we do one thing out of place. Not saying that will change, just that it is awfully frustrating when it happens. Kind of like we have to study lines and stick to a script for our role in the movie, no deviation allowed. But MLCer can ad-lib their role and we have to be the one that makes it work.
Hang in there and focus on what you can control.
CB
^^^Early in my sitch I often felt like this. Not so much anymore. Part of this is in our control… the part of how we act and respond.
Somewhere along the way I decided to not do the eggshell walking thing. Just be myself, (well, my new improved self) while staying out of my W’s way. I figured if she really wants to leave, nothing I do can make her stay. It’s been more than 13 months since BD, and she is still here.
I know you really, really want your W. I want mine too. But the fact is we don’t need them. We will be fine without them if it comes to that. I think coming to this realization is an important step to being a successful DB’er. It allows us to show confidence to our W, instead of fear, the latter of which is very unattractive. Our wives want a strong man, not a doormat who is afraid of making the wrong move around her.
I know, easier said than done in the beginning. But this, I think, should be your goal.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Just be yourself! Do what you have to do in order to make it through each day and be the best father you can be. I'm sure Sandi could give you a stern talking to...but will you listen to her?
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just be yourself! Do what you have to do in order to make it through each day and be the best father you can be. I'm sure Sandi could give you a stern talking to...but will you listen to her?
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward.
Ha ha, probably not. Listening is something I was good at for at least 2 months after BD and something I need to get even better at.
But as far as dusting off and moving forward - that's exactly what I need to do.
A friend of mine told me a story today of his W's friend who lost her husband a few years back from a sudden heart failure on a Saturday afternoon. No previous signs, no health concerns or anything, just passed away without warning at 37 years old. She has 2 kids, and has had to get on with life. She now has a new man and is enjoying life the best she can. So what gives me the right to be down!. Yes have lost my W for now, but she is still alive and I have the chance to be with her again one day if things turn out that way. If not my kids still have their mother even if not how I would have wanted it.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
I found out that W has been in touch with a life coach who specializes in therapy to help people move on after marriage into a better life and new relationships.
A bit of a kick in the teeth. Again, just confirms that now matter how hard we try to save R on this side, they are trying just as hard to get out of R the other way. My W is doing a negative version of DBing.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Sorry for the constant small posts - my mind is racing a bit.
I guess this just proves that my detachment is not going as well as I thought it may be. The thought of W wanting to do this is really painful. Yes, I know she wants D, and is unhappy in M, but this looks like she is desperate to sort herself out even though we are not even D'd yet.
On the other hand I guess this also means she is not finding it as easy as I thought. After all, this therapist claims to be the solutions to depression, self meditation, impulse decisions. Well, basically the list of MLCer habits - apparently this person can solve that so that W can move on to a new happy life. So W must be having trouble getting over M and our R to be thinking of having therapy for it.
Argggh - Frustrating.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Take a deep breath and try to remain calm. What your wife is doing is sorting things out now in her life. People in mlc do not wait until the ink is dry on the divorce decree to do so. People in mlc have been thinking about a new life long before the bomb drop, sometimes 1-3 years prior to announcing that they are unhappy.
She's on a fact finding mission...whether she acts upon what she learns will be another matter. Until that time, continue as you have been.
Keep the focus on you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
