Thanks for the comments rH, Portia, and T^2. I know there will be times in the future where I'll be angry and down, but I hope to not dwell on that.
I had always told W, no matter what I say or do while giving her space, always know I haven't quit loving you or wanting to be married to you. Maybe the fact I haven't pursued and am acting "ok" has her questioning that. Could possibly be the reason she asked last week if I needed to finalize things. When I responded, with all y'all's help, it let her know I haven't moved. She can relax and go about her business, replay or whatever.
Portia, I'm sure you can look back on my posts and see anger too. Lots of it. And there is some anger still and will be. How could there not be, this is brutal stuff. I wouldn't treat my worst enemy the way I've been treated. But, I am trying to not let it consume me. I'm winning that battle today.
I was thinking about the Israelites in the wilderness. God provided manna from heaven everyday. If they tried to store it, it spoiled. He promises daily bread. I've always tried to store up bread for, not just tomorrow, but 6 months/15 years from now. I'm learning to see, and enjoy the daily bread. I'm tired of the mlc diet.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Been traveling the last few days for work. It's been another nice break. Weird thing is my MIL traveled with me to meet up with an old classmate. We had a long discussion on the way out. W has been telling her how well she and I are getting along. W made special mention of our anniversary day at the chapel we were married. MIL thinks w will come through this and we'll be better for it. I hope she's right. MIL has suffered from depression off and on for years. She always blamed the, now deceased, FIL. She's beginning to realize it wasn't him. Funny how that works. The few who know things aren't great at home can't believe MIL and I can exist in a car for 6 hours out here and then 6 hours back.
W texted me everyday about her job and how she hated it, wants to quit, etc. At least there's a different target for her situation now. I'm sure it'll be me as soon as I get home. Haha! I validated and encouraged.
Went shopping for me while out here. I'm starting to do that more now. Used to come home with gifts only for her. It's been nice to take care of me a little. And the boys, they always need clothes.
Part of my trip this week included giving a presentation for about 100 of our customers. My part takes about an hour. I decided to go with a bowtie! Who knew it was making a comeback?!?! Anyway, the boys got in bed late (shocked) so I didn't get to show it to them on FaceTime. I sent w a pic so she could show them this morning. She couldn't believe it, but said it looked nice. I'm the type that would never in a million years wear anything but a necktie. I'm sure she's wondering what happened to me. I'm considering wearing it for our church directory pictures. I have a feeling she may not like it so much then.
Traveling back today. Miss my boys but also miss the fact that W isn't waiting to see me. Maybe one day she will.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Travel safely. You have a good attitude about things and that will help to carry you through the dark times. Bow ties have been making a comeback for a year or so and I'm sure you looked very nice wearing one. Don't worry about what she thinks of your bow tie...if it makes you happy, wear it!
Your family will be very happy to see you and do plan to do something special w/them this weekend. As for your MIL, it's too bad she finally recognized that her depression was not caused by her late husband. Hopefully she's seeking professional help w/it now.
Again, travel safely and stay positive.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I like the bowtie! I'm sure you looked great in it!
I had read in the WSJ a few months ago that they were making a comeback. It's nice you stay stylish. I think that's important for you as well as your family can be proud of you!
It's nice you could spend that time with your MIL. It's wonderful you have a good R with her and she is supportive of you.
I'm sure you are looking forward to seeing the boys again.
I'm glad you are doing some shopping for yourself. That feels good, I know. Part of this MLC journey for us, the LBS, is learning to take better care of ourselves, too!
I love your positive attitude! Let us know how things go this weekend! rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Thanks snodderly and rH! Made it home fine. MIL had a great time with her friend. The friend gave me a big hug, kiss on the cheek, told me how great I was, and how much she loved me. It was a little odd seeing as how I've only been around her for 3-4 hours over the last 12 years. She and MIL are both only children so they think of themselves as sisters. Makes me think MIL told her the sitch and she appreciates what I'm doing.
W told me at least once that she was glad I was home. She has a hard time keeping the boys in check. She also talked about doing/going to places together as a family this summer. Then, later, she texted my brother about an alumni football game at our old high school, trying to get us to play. First time she's communicated with him in months. He and I've talked about the possibility of playing if they ever did this. Based on the fact that we're in our 40's and healthy, we've always said we would not play.
Real strange of her to text him. She's also liked several posts/pics my cousins wife has put on fbook. They are friendly but never have been big friends. I wished I knew what she was thinking.
Watched a movie together as a family this evening. Me and the boys are going to church in the morning for a men's breakfast.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
It sounds like your W wants to maintain family connections even if she isn't ready to come back. It could go on this way for a while during which time she figures things out.
I'm glad you are doing things with your boys such as the men's breakfast at church. That's so good for them to see other good role models besides you and to see you keep up good R's with other people.
Good work!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Thanks rH. Ws been better the last few days. Texted me early this morning, referring to me as Mr. Bow Tie! Actually encouraged me to wear it in the church pics so I'd be a "trend setter." Followed that up by asking to go shopping tomorrow as a family.
W had plans this evening. Stopped on the way out the door and told me where she was going and with who, in case I needed her. Sent me another text a few mins ago to let me know about things going on where she's at.
I'm in a similar spot as tvs tonight. So normal it hurts.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Nice weekend. Went to church as a family, then lunch with about 15 other church members. I had one lady, who knows things aren't great, ask if we were together again. I told her we were working on it. It must be as confusing to them as it is to me. W and I shared several glances and winks when comments were made at the table that could be taken out of context. It's one of our things that we do.
Came home and watched a movie and played games. W was truly engaged. Playing with both boys and having fun. She even left her cell phone out a few times! Even discussed how S9 used to love to play in the tub and how that gave us a break.
She texted me early this morning to let me know S6 had asked her to wake him up, so I should not. She made it up on time and did it.
How do you you tell the difference between cake eating and a spouse just doing better? Does it change the way you deal with them?
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Cake eating remains a perspective thing... We generally use the term to indicate that someone is taking advantage of someone else. If I have a wife who likes to clean, then I am cake eating if I do not clean. Yet if I have a wife who likes to clean, who perhaps has OCD, and I interfere by cleaning. Well...
Do you feel that your W was trying to get her emotional needs met, while she continued... for all these months and years... to plan her escape...?
Do you feel that she was doing so, to intentionally hurt you?
Do you feel, by having continued to provide her with a physically and emotionally safe place to figure things out, where she continued to see your positive changes, and believe in them, that you did not get closer to your goals??
Have you read this posting from KD on T^2's thread? This and other questions he asks really give you something to think about.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
