Beginning and end of a bright green morning

[optimist]

Another weird update. Valentine's day was another fiasco. I was not feeling like doing anything special, so I did not give H any presents or even mention it. He did give me three nice paintings and we stayed home because it snowed; everything was pretty nice initially.

We were watching movies and H put the channel on CNN and went to the kitchen. At the moment they were putting on the special on Infidelity. I started to watch it and it seemed good. H came back, saw the topic and without a word, changed the channel to 'Cliffhanger,' a movie we have watched 100 times. I got up and went to our room. He asked if I wanted to watch the movie and I said 'no, I've already seen it.' I started to watch the special, but I really could not bear it alone, so I went back and asked H to watch it with me. He got mad and refused... then I went back to bed and tried to sleep, but could not. I went back to the family and found that H had turned the TV off and was slepping in the couch. I asked him to come to bed and he replied gruffly "I am in bed." I said fine and went back to bed, but could not sleep so I sat in silence by the coach. At some point, he fell off the coach, hit my feet and realized I was there. We just hugged for a while, then went to bed...

Sunday and Monday went by fine, with lots of work but no serious glitches. And this morning started well . Then I picked up the mail and there was a letter from 'the other' CFC saying something about talking to the wh*re about H's account with him. Apparently, without telling me a word about it, my H has changed all his retirement accounts from our financial consultant to this guy. I ran into H at work and told him to give me a call when he had time to speak. A little while ago he did.

I was in the middle of the office and quite constricted to talk, but he was in his car, and was very vocal. He does not want to include me in his financial life. He feels I am controlling him and being vengeful. He is not interested in going to counsellors or working through any books. He resents even my talking to friends about our problems or being on the bb. He accused me of turning all his friends against him. He wants to forget everything and live his life with us sharing only what he wants to share.

I explained to him that I needed validation, and to be included. That I could not just ignore what happened. That I was trying to make our R more open. That I wanted to be informed, not to control him.

I told him I did not feel loved or valued, just useful. He got mad and cited instances of behaviors that prove he loves me (his being more accesible, his informing me of what he does...). I tried to explain the LL concept to him, but he did not want to listen. He seems to think I should be happy with whatever he does and accept whatever he wants to give me, even when it is clearly not what I need or want.

I am seriously wondering whether our R is just fundamentally flawed. I want things he really cannot give me, he wants things I cannot accept... Maybe it just will not work. He is trying. I am trying. We may just need different things.

At this point, I am hanging on by my fingertips. The thought of my D's face if her family falls apart is the only thing that stops me from calling it quits.

What am I doing wrong? And do not say drop the rope: I did it once, he felt unloved and got involved with the wh*re...