The good: H came to dd's rehearsal tonight and d18 invited him to dinner. He came for a little over an hour and dinner was pleasant. I followed your advice azguy and praised his work and visit we had yesterday. I also took him up on offer to watch cats while we're gone this week and told him alarm code. He asked if I wanted to make a temp code for him but I just told him what it was. I initiated a hug when he left and he referred to our MC appt this week so I don't have to remind him of that!
The bad: I feel nothing. I feel like I hardly care anymore. The kind, friendly interactions are non-intimate and it feels useless. I accept that I can't fix him, can't fix our R without some effort from him, and he seems uninterested in positive changes with me. The effort of carrying all the hope for our entire family is exhausting.
The ugly: I was teasing d18 at dinner about having senior-itus and H went into a speech about personal integrity. Really? He can even open his mouth and tell us about the importance of doing what's right? He actually used an example like you would to a 10 yr old 'would you steal the candy if no one was looking? you have to do what's right because you know it's right'. Big. Fat. Whatever.
I'll need an attitude adjustment before mc this week.
You sound burnt out with DB. I've been feeling the same way lately. Some days it just feels draining, I agree. I decided I'm going to focus more on things that keep me happy (working on the house, lately) and less on interactions with XW. Do you have something similar that will raise your spirits?
I'm curious what upsets you about your H talking about doing what is right?
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
Hey Reb..don't give up..you've made a lot of progress. You know this takes time. Have no expectations of your H..don't forget in stage 1 you are going to be working unilaterally. You are only trying to establish friendship at this early stage. The romance may come later down the track. Even so don't forget to try some eye contact. Keep up the non-sexual flirting, you said you both enjoyed a laugh together, that's all its got to be at this stage. Fun, no pressure.
I know you're walking around with a big hole in your heart, we all are here. Try to look at your progress and that may help to keep you motivated.
There is no timeline to this. Look at my dates down below. Scary, huh?
I think you're watching for the pot to boil. Stay busy with your life and leave the pot to do what it will do.
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The effort of carrying all the hope for our entire family is exhausting.
Talk more about this. It seems you actually have pretty good family interactions with H being gone. And you've certainly grown as a person. Why do you feel you're carrying all the hope for the family?
About the integrity speech, take it for what it is. A man expressing an opinion.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
The positive is that your kids see these interactions and realize that it is okay. That you and H can get along and interact and be okay with everything. I think even if you are saying to yourself ' this is not working' it really is because you are growing in the situation, learning about you, and showing the kids what compassion, grace and kindness look like.
Your expectation of what should happen and the reality of what is happening don't come together. But I'll take a good reality any time
Another internal panic. WHY would he invite me (and kids) to his place of work? It's so humiliating to see all the guys H works with and I don't know what they know about our sitch! I feel like I'm going to feel like a fool.
I know this is from a few days ago, but just wanted to mention that I think you should look at this as an opportunity. Let's assume that your H has been telling them all kinds of stuff that puts you in a bad light, well this would be a great time to show them a funny, polite, attractive, kind you and make them realize that maybe H's stories are not-quite-accurate. People often complain that they're afraid to go to family events for the same reason- they're afraid their WAS has made them out to be a monster to everyone. But when I think back in my own past about coworkers who have made their spouse out to be mean/ evil/ etc. there's nothing like actually meeting the spouse to slap a big ol' reality check on that. When I meet them and find them to be the opposite of what I've heard, then it makes me think the coworker was the one that didn't have both oars in the water.
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The bad: I feel nothing. I feel like I hardly care anymore. The kind, friendly interactions are non-intimate and it feels useless.
First, it's normal to feel like you hardly care now and then. If it lasts months that's another thing entirely, but I think it's normal for any LBS to just think they're done and over the sitch every now and then. It's probably temporary, give it a few weeks and see if you still feel that way. Second, kind, friendly interactions whether with H, the kids, coworkers, friend, strangers, etc. are NEVER useless.
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I accept that I can't fix him, can't fix our R without some effort from him, and he seems uninterested in positive changes with me.
Sounds like you have expectations, you're expecting that your positive changes should be producing some result in H. Do it for you, not for him. Drop the expectations.
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The effort of carrying all the hope for our entire family is exhausting.
Are you sure it's "hope" that is exhausting you, and not "expectations"? Hope is what motivates us, it's a wonderful feeling to have inside. Expectations on the other hand, they're a constant disappointment when they're not met. Have hope, not expectations.
