Amen, FL. I think that's the way to go as far as your response, T1000 (although I wouldn't use the phrase "happy you are honest with me" -- she knows your not happy, so maybe "I appreciate your honesty" would be a better choice of words.
But then make it clear that you need time and space right now. It's good for her to have some space, because you know she's really considering the implications of this. You need to get off these boards for today, go work out and watch GoT (please, no spoilers, I'm not caught up yet either!) and then let your emotions settle down a bit.
We're here for you if you need us.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Off to the gym and don't worry I'm completely anti-spoiler!
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Went to the gym, it wasn't what I expected but glad I went. After 2 years of not being at a gym, 1.5 hours of weights makes me feel like an old man today. So sore! Think I'm gonna try another gym next time.
I watched GoT, Friday Night Lights and Veep then went to bed worn out and slept well.
I had moments where my sitch raised it's head. Lots of thoughts and feelings.
When I was running upstairs to get my gym clothes I knocked a picture off the wall of my wife and it tumbled down the stairs. I left it at the bottom of the stairs and went to the gym. When I got home and I went upstairs to shower I picked it up, carried it back upstairs and put it on the wall. A very small action but tough to do.
Today is similar to yesterday but less so.
This morning I was angry that throughout March when I fought through the snow and really bad weather conditions to pick the kids up at the agreed time because she was so tired and upset that she needed a break but she had time for OM is making my blood boil! I feel like I was used to help it along. These are things I want to throw at her.
If I could convince myself that what she did was not cheating it would be easier to stomach. Shame my brain doesn't work like that.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I'm starting to come around to the notion that she didn't cheat. Well she didn't but it feels the same or it feels very hurtful. I thinking about what and when my next move should be.
Right now I would like to carry on the fight and live happily ever after with W. If I'm able to let it go.
How do I do that? How long should I leave it before contact? Even though it still stings I feel like asking her is she wants to spend some time together, casually or with the kids.
It feels like there is so much to this. It's as if I'm dealing with infidelity (but not so strictly speaking) but she is not responsible for my feelings. How would I even begin to deal with this as it's described in the book if she doesn't have to accept any of the ramifications to the way I feel?
Everyone tells me I need to not show her any of my hurt. Does that mean I spend the rest of my life pretending something is fine when I'm struggling?
It always felt that getting our M back on track was going to be an uphill battle with where we both live all our previous issues and now this big f***ing cherry slammed right on the top to drive me totally insane with rage.
It's writing posts like this that can make me manic. The more I write the more it's laid out to see how much there is to fix.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Everyone tells me I need to not show her any of my hurt. Does that mean I spend the rest of my life pretending something is fine when I'm struggling?
I didn't say that so I'm not sure but maybe they mean "not right now"? This is not the time to pour out all your emotions at her.
I often think about "what if we R" and the first thing that comes to my mind is that I will feel resentful for all the pain and time. As far as DB goes we shouldn't feel that way but hey I'm only human I can't stop feeling what I feel.. just like you. But then I always go back to all these YEARS he had felt unhappy and sad and how much I've changed since BD (in a good way) Every time I think about that, the thought of resentment goes away.
I'm glad to hear though that you are coming around! I too go to the gym when I have something on my mind. I can't believe I have put off going back to the gym for a LONG TIME. I totally forgot how exercising helps clearing my head and feeling good!
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
I did feel exactly like that regarding her being unhappy for years and how much I have changed until the most recent revelation and now I'm bursting at the seams with resentment.
I read an article on breathing the other day. I thought I would give it a go by going for a run. Normally 2 miles and I'm completely done. I haven't ran for about a year. Set off tonight and concentrating on my breathing for a lot of it and did 4.2 miles. Well happy with that! Funny thing was with the breathing I out ran my legs. I had to sit on a wall for 10 minutes and then slowly walk/limp a mile home. I never got out of breath though.
I don't know why but I seem to vent a lot in the shower. Maybe it's because I'm completely alone and I can just let it rip. A bit like singing in the shower I suppose. Strange!
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Oh me too! It's my crying time in the shower. I'm washing my hair and all of a sudden I either get so sad or resentful. Then I do the mind exercise I said above and by the time I hop out of the shower I'm usually o.k.
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
Right now I would like to carry on the fight and live happily ever after with W.
I don't like when people call this a "fight" because it implies that it's you against your W. The very thing she doesn't want is for you to oppose her. DB'ing is all about laying down arms and leaving your W alone, give her time and space. You want her to feel you're both on the same side. No pressure. No opposition. NO FIGHTING.
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Even though it still stings I feel like asking her is she wants to spend some time together, casually or with the kids.
The ONLY time you do that is when you already have plans. "W, I'm taking the kids to the zoo Sunday at 10:00, you're welcome to join us if you wish." If she says no, then shrug your shoulders and GO ANYWAY. Text her a pic of the kids standing next to a giraffe or post some on FB. Do not ask her on dates, and do not predicate anything you're doing on whether she goes or not. Because that's pressure, and she doesn't want pressure.
Quote:
It's as if I'm dealing with infidelity (but not so strictly speaking) but she is not responsible for my feelings. How would I even begin to deal with this as it's described in the book if she doesn't have to accept any of the ramifications to the way I feel?
Wow, I can scarcely believe I'm reading this!! You don't think your W is responsible for your feelings do you? If you do, then you are way down the codependency rabbit hole and you need to find your way out ASAP!! Two books for you- "Codependent No More" and "The Happiness Trap".
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Everyone tells me I need to not show her any of my hurt.
Right. In DR MWD talks about acting "as if". Here are a few of the 180 tips that talk about this:
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
A few more 180 tips that apply to your question about showing hurt:
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
