Another week goes by and time does fly. I cannot believe it is midFebruary already... I have been very busy at work and barely able to log in. I will have to spend hours on the bb to catch up with everybody. Sorry.
Things at home seem to be the same. I had not brought up anything about H's office or how things were since our two outbursts in the weekend but I do not think it was a good idea because I kept being eaten up by anger and resentment. I got to a point in which I felt nearly ready to just go on with the divorce, and the only thing that kept me from having him served was that I just could not bring myself to do that to my daughter. She has been such a happy little camper since Daddy came back... she has even been praying every day to God for a little brother...
Now that I checked, I had not posted about the other little 'incident' during the weekend. It was a virtual copy of the first but on Sunday. Again my mother called me and made me feel hunted; then H said he'd dropped us at the bookstore while he checked on work (he had called at noon to ask whether he should finish then come home or come home and then we'd go out together, and we'd wait at the bookstore while he finished work: I chose the second option). We went on and I am quietly thinking of my convo with my mother and trying to think of a way to tell her to please not check up on me every 5 minutes because it makes me feel spied on. Suddenly H asks what's wrong with me and I say 'nothing.' Next thing I know he is in a pelter, saying that he had asked me what to do and I had chosen to go to the bookstore and have him go to work now. I told him he was mistaken and we kind of glossed it over, but it did leave a bitter taste in my mouth, metaphorically speaking.
The rest of the week went by fast, with lots of meetings and committees and late hours. My mood did not get much better and I still felt H was trying to hide things from me and keep me away from his work and his office.
Yesterday morning I had a dream. It is rather blurry right now (it has been one day after all) but in my dream it is 4 am and H and I are talking R in bed; he tells me that things are good and the wh*re and her daughters are gone for ever; I ask for his new car to go to work and he says no prob. Really nice, uplifting dream.
Anyway, I wake up at 6 am and I think the convo WAS real, so I get up, get dressed and get H's car keys to go to work (early morning meeting) and kiss him bye. I get in the car and next thing I know a furious H is in the garage asking WTH do I think I am doing.
Me:"You told me I could take the car to work today" H: "Did not" Me: "Did" H: "Did not" Me: "But we talked earlier..."(realization hits) "Don't tell me it was a dream" H: (going back to bed in a bad mood) "Do whatever you want" Me: (frozen in the spot) "It cannot have been a dream"
Anyway, I go back to the bedroom (corporate meeting temporarily forgotten before more pressing problem) and he is back in bed, very mad at me.
H: "I am leaving". Me: (with supernatural calm) "If that is what you want, fine. But this is it. We are not going to be playing this game with D anymore. I cannot have her go through the same thing again and again any longer." H: "You always bring her up" Me: "I cannot differentiate between what is good for her and what I want for me. Her needs are first" (meaning even though I may not care for you any more I am ready to work on this for her sake) H: (grumble) Me: (calm and bussiness like)"If that is what you want, I'll call the lawyer tomorrow. When do you want to be served?" H: (grumble) Me: "Is it what you want?" H: "No, it is not what I want but I do not know what else to do." Me: "You can try telling me things"
Seemed to open a floodgate. I cannot recall the thing verbatim any longer, but he told me that the wh*re is looking for a job and is still there because she still has not found one. That he could kick her out immediately but he does not want to. That he has to do this his way, and has even wondered why is he doing it like that, whether it is some kind of perverse, teenage desire to make me suffer or to disobey... That he has learned that he does not feel anything for her and even confessed that it has been over a year since he had sex with her. That it has been good for him because it has convinced him that he is able to work with her and now he avoids the office unless he has clients there. He told me that a year ago he did not know what he wanted, but that now he knows he wants us, he loves me and wants to live with me.
He mentioned the weekend fiasco and I explained that I was mad at my mother, not him, and he was overreacting to my moods and interpreting as related to him, not to me. I told him to stop trying to read me and start asking questions and giving me more information himself, because I was not going to be walking on eggshells.
I had to tell him we'd talk later and rush to work 30 minutes late. I came home really late last night and wiped out, so we did not talk. He is still home though, and this morning he called me to invite me to breakfast.
But if it is so positive, why am I not any happier?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
