New to this ...

[steveh27]

Thank you for the feedback ... the focusing on the me part seems so unclear to me right now. I guess I'm still trying to gather as much information as possible, but I still oddly cannot find the me to focus on, as my brain still seems to be in damage control. It's frustrating because all I can do is focus on the family (ie. kids) and take it day by day.

It seemed last week the communication started getting better, maybe because we were just "settling in" to the arrangement, but then I golfed in a benefit on Fri and came home to more short talk. It down slid into Sat where I couldn't take much more and had to say something. We didn't yell but emotions got high and I asked about her moving forward with an attorney. She said not yet but she needed to talk with someone. Very vague to me at the time. She has an older sister that is like a mom to her now so I think she shares info with her for support. The talk got deep about what this will do to the family etc. etc. - she said again she needed to get out and talk with someone and left. She was gone for 4 hours or so and the kids had friends over but I couldn't move from the couch, just paralyzed ... and I just watched shows on Disney TV with my 9 yo. the whole time. W came home a little better and she asked to go to bed .. so I took care of things and just let it be. The short talked stopped though. We talked quickly yesterday and I asked if she was able to figure things out. She said she talked with her sister and she is going to see a counselor but not promising this is a fix for anything. I told her I would give her a name she could use that would help with choosing a counselor ... she was open to the suggestion and even asked this morning not to forget to give her the number. More open dialog this morning but I know its going to ebb and flow.

Breakdown: Like I mentioned - I'm still trying figure this out. I'm hoping the way I "think" will change through counselling/therapy else I would've been able to do it years ago.
As this is my biggest challenge this will be a work in progress, all I can do now is cold stop the behavior and get help with changing my thoughts.

hotwheelsaust: thank you for responding - like I said the me part is hard right now.

Fartiltre:
Nice to meet you ... I'm so sorry your in this situation also. I did read Sandi2s rules and in the middle of the book now. When you talk of 180s - is there some list or how to implement them someplace or in the book, people refer to these almost as such, so i was wondering. I am doing them honestly, but I always feel its not being seen as such. Our main issue is my asking questions and controlling behavior over what she's doing. I have done my best and only ask her how her day was and dont ask who's calling or what time she's going to be home if she goes out, which she really doesn't "go out" anyway. Other minor 180's are just general help around the house and spending time with the kids with their stuff. The dishes, laundry etc. I would help in the past very sparingly, now I try to do my share even if she says I don't have to. It's about consistency right now as I want to be the person I know is inside of me but struggled with other things that sidetracked me from him coming out. My wife has always said Im a good husband and father but I need to get a hold of my demons with the unnecessary fear and anxiety which causes my controlling. Trust me I hate it and finally getting help with it now.