Is this cake eating 13

[keep_going]

I am completely dumbfounded and speechless.

Sorry, NLW - I have no idea what is going on with your H, but I agree with 2Chiquitos - this was just today and tomorrow is another day. Try to focus on the here and now, find meaning and enjoyment in your life today and do not try to assign any meaning to any of what your H says or does (either good or bad).

Detach...


(((((NLW))))))

[longrun]

I agree with KG:

Is it time to roll down the shutters or open the door a crack?

Neither. Detach and lead your own life with your kids.

[NLW]

Ok, I get this message, but it's still hard - as much as I think I am in a much better place, detachment-wise, than I used to be.


But then He keeps AT ME.

Like today we got D-ed.

So now, 5 hrs later he emails me asking when he can pick up an old broken Jukebox that he's stored in our garage.

WHY NOW - after all this time?

And of course my mind rushes to the question of what on earth he is planning to do with it. Where will he put it? It's broken and ugly and HUGE.

And he also asks when I will let him take the broken-down car so he can get a quote to fix it.

On this pont I feel paralysed - if he takes the car, i know (from previous info that we both have) that the advice will be it is not worth fixing (transmission).

As the car is in his business name, I suspect he will then trade it for scrap cash. Which he will keep.

He defaulted on a debt collection arrangement that he had to enter into recently to pay for the previous repairs on this vehicle, so WTH is going on?

If I refuse to let him take it for a quote however, he will argue in court that I won't let him fix it.
The car issue is a slated for immediate discussion at the next court date as the judge saw it as a big problem for me and the kids to be left without one.

Damned if i do and damned if i don't again.

If I go to L for advice, I blow another $1000 - maybe more than the car is worth!!!

But anyway what sort of person sends this sort of email on the night of a divorce?

One who is really wanting to check out completely of any further contact I suppose.

[JuneReN]

I am totally bewildered....
Perhaps best to say ' don't worry about the car, I had a couple of quotes and it is x amount of dollars.' Use the quote you have and quickly call a couple of shops and get a couple more quotes based on the info you already have.

And don't let him have the car.

I am so so sorry about yacht pics...I have some choice phrases running through my head that would put me smack back on moderation if not banned.

I am sorry NLW, but a guy who would do this to his kids is not someone to be trusted. Ever.

[NLW]

Now XH is back on email again tonight trying to arrange to collect the kids from schools tomorrow, first day back.

He hasn't been doing this (apart from once or twice) since November last year.
Now he seems to want to re-instate the regular daily contact.

Again, all this on the evening of his Divorce.

I feel divorced - from reality!

Even told S14 he will help him with homework tomorrow (which will mean coming into the house when he drops them home).

Do I just go with the flow and see if this leads to better things. Or do I let him know we have dropped the rope and are sick of being jerked around.

What do I want to do? Both probably, if this makes any sense.

Don't want to go back to the cake-eating that has characterised this limbo to date.
You know by now how i love to mix metaphors!

But really trying to think of what's best/most appropriate DB-wise.

[AnotherStander]

Weird. My guess is since the D was granted he feels some sort of relief. Of course I am no expert but that's my gut. Interested to see what others say.

I agree. There's nothing like D to take all the pressure off a WAS.

Is it time to roll down the shutters or open the door a crack?

Neither. Detach and lead your own life with your kids.

I agree with this too. Your H is reaching out, but that doesn't mean he wants to reconcile. More likely he thinks he's accomplished his "goal" of D, so now he doesn't feel the need to remain cold/ distant.

[bustingout]

I agree NLW to stay detached for now. This is a whirlwind of behavior, actions and words being thrown at you. Get your shield up, detach and watch and observe.

If it simply means he is around for the kids, and can feel more comfortable around them, then better for the kids.

Its still his ride...

((((((((NLW))))))))

[wishing, hoping]

I agree. He got his way so he is happy for now. He's still an @$$ so keep your guard up and your eyes open.

He's a whackadoodle!

[albamarie]

I agree. There's nothing like D to take all the pressure off a WAS.

I agree with this too. Your H is reaching out, but that doesn't mean he wants to reconcile. More likely he thinks he's accomplished his "goal" of D, so now he doesn't feel the need to remain cold/ distant.

NLW- You know me I can go straight to the source, so I asked H what does D mean, to a man who's flipped, and the above statements were dead on. He also add a man doesn't see his family as anything other than his family, and the XW looses the label that ties him, putting her in a different light.

Ah, until you try to act like "the W" ex or not and put limitations and demands on him, then your just the 8itch he can't shake. Please be very careful and attentive to his ways, it's still all about him!

I have to say you are handling everything with such grace. You have been at this for so long and I hope you and your kids can move on and heal. As soon as you said you now have an XH, I was taken aback. I feel more like a widow w/alien in my home, a D would make me feel like my air hose was finally detached from his ship and I can begin to breath on my own.

I'm sure your going to go through some different emotions over time and different issues with XH, and we will all be here to listen, and I will continue to learn from your inner strength, as my time is approaching for change!

<3 dm

[keep_going]

NLW,

You have received lots of great advice re. your H - protect yourself, let things flow, don't overthink, don't mind-read, detach, go dark... Yet, I still see you completely focused on HIM.

You know we are here to support you - your sitch is not easy at all and we want the best outcome possible for you. Yet all we hear about is your H. I for once would love to hear about NLW...

What do YOU want?

What would you like to see happening in your life 6-months from now, 1 yr. from now, 5 yrs. from now?

What are you doing to get there?

What GAL activities are you currently doing? Today? This week, this month?
What else do you have planned to do differently to enrich your life in the near future?

Let me get to know NLW better... I know she is a wonderful person and as a friend, I'd love for her to share more with me of what is good in her life and what her dreams are!

(((((((NLW)))))))))